I am in the midst of weaning my 14-month-old son (almost wrote 14-YEAR-old… would have loved to have seen the comments on THAT!), a fun process marked with painfully engorged breasts — despite having weaned gradually — as well as hormonal mood swings and sadness about never sharing that special bonding time with my son again (which we haven’t shared since he got hand, foot and mouth disease, causing painful sores in his mouth and permanently affecting his ability to nurse properly).
Yes! Good times!
So I thought I would lift my spirits by looking on the bright side and highlighting the best things about weaning…
Top 10 Best Things About Weaning My Son
10. After being pregnant and/or breastfeeding for almost four years now, I can reclaim my body and do WHATEVER I want with it — like have that margarita without a second thought!
9. …And eight lattes!
8. …And bottomless sushi!
7. …And allergy medication that works!
6. …And any antibiotics I want!
5. …And a hit of that young man in the alleyway’s crack pipe!
4. Basically, I am free to use the pharmacy’s inventory as my personal buffet.
3. Never have to be subjected to the sight of myself pumping milk in the bathroom mirror again, a reflection that always made me yell, “MOO!”
2. My currently engorged, huge, misshapen and unnaturally hard breasts could help me land a role on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
1. When the kid wakes up in the middle of the night, I can tell my husband, “YOU get him!” and actually GO BACK TO SLEEP. Hallelujah!