Payback Hurts (Oh, Does It Hurt)

Jul 31, 2012 | Filed Under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

That Mother of the Year Award that I blew...?  Yeah, I may just be in the running for it now.

Hand-Foot-and-Mouth has been an unwelcome house guest here for more than a week now and Drew, his mouth completely ravaged by dozens of sores and blisters, still screams at the very sight of food.  We’re talking about the child who will eat lint if you serve it in a bowl.  But now even ICE CREAM sends him running for the hills.  Which is just so sad… that I have to console myself by eating his ice cream.

What?  It’s not like he’s eating it.

When you have a 13-month-old who is existing on occasional swigs of water and milk, you will do just about anything to get that child to eat.  Mr. Candy has performed song-and-dance routines.  I have offered him a Ferrari in exchange for a bite of yogurt.  Nothing has worked.  Except…

…nursing.

Thank goodness Drew was not completely weaned yet because it is pretty much the only way he’s willing to consume any nutrients (besides the bits of severely chapped lips he’s unwittingly swallowing…YUM).  The good news is, breastfeeding doesn’t seem to be uncomfortable for him, as the sippy cup and bottle are.  The bad news is, to make it more comfortable for him, HE USES HIS TEETH.

Oh my god, people.  The pain.  The mind-searing, toe-curling pain.  After last night’s 3AM feeding, which immediately comforted him, I thought to myself, “I would rather give childbirth than have to nurse him again.”  Which reminds me:  does anyone out there give epidurals for nursing a kid with a mouthful of blisters?  Besides the guy offering to administer them out of his van on craigslist?

Although we’re not above taking Van Man up on his generous offer.  –My Weeping Nipples

But, hey, such is being a mom.  Better to have mutilated nipples than a dehydrated and malnourished child.  (Now there’s a parenting mantra that deserves to be splashed across a mug!)  Keeping our kids healthy, even if it’s at the expense of our own health, is just part of our job.  And, I figure, my nipple that is so deformed that it looks like it’s sprouting another nipple thanks to Drew’s chompers, is the universe’s way of getting back at me for laughing off his symptoms at first.

Just to make sure Mr. Candy didn’t feel left out of all this fun, I sent him out on a VISM (very important shopping mission):  BUY NIPPLE CREAM.

“Uh, so I’m at the pharmacy at Target,” he called, clearly uncomfortable. “Is this nipple stuff with the Vaseline?”

“No, it’s with the other nipple stuff — in the breastfeeding aisle,” I laughed.

He called back two minutes later.

“FOUND IT!” he declared, sounding surprisingly triumphant.

Bleeding-yet-nourishing boobs and successful nipple cream shopping adventures:   all part of the small (and glamorous) triumphs of parenthood.

Seriously.  We have a Mother’s Day bestseller right here!

About Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

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8 Responses to “Payback Hurts (Oh, Does It Hurt)”

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  1. Deeva says:

    OW!! Hope you all feel better soon!!

  2. Kris says:

    Ouch! Your poor boobies! :-(
    Not sure what kind of nipple cream you were going for but the Lansinoh brand of lanolin has saved my nips through three kids. It’s thick as tar, does not need to be wiped off before nursing and soothes on contact. Plus it helps repair the skin, as does massaging a bit of breast milk into your nips (but for me, that just hurt). Hope you both feel better soon!

  3. Kelsey says:

    Oh dear!! I think I would cry. Zander has been biting lately and I freaking cringe when those chompers get near me!

    • Candy says:

      Oh yes, there have been unshed tears.

      Good luck with your boy’s chompers. I’d always been lucky before… but alas, my lucky streak has been bitten. Er, I mean broken.

  4. DayeLily says:

    Oh, how awful! About 10 minutes before I read this, my son was giving me a “kiss” that turned into a bite (sneaky little chompers) that hurt so bad I yelled (scared the poor kid). Then I read this and pictured that happening to my boob, and I nearly cried for you. I hope your little sweetie feels better really soon and gets back to just using his teeth on food!

  5. Nancy says:

    we have HF&M also and u r right about not even eating ice cream – but I found that ice chips (when shoved into his mouth) do help



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