The child, wearing a Phillies jersey, appears to be between three and four years old — in other words, way too old to be drinking from a bottle.  That boy should be drinking his nine-dollar beer from a real cup by now!  Geesh.  Parents today…

This latest incident at the Phillies home ball park comes after two nationally publicized confrontations, where one fan vomited on six people — lovely! — while another fan had to be Tasered by Philadelphia police on camera.  Never a dull, or well-mannered, moment at Philly games, that’s for sure.

Of course, with the way the Phils have been hitting lately, it’s never too early for a fan to start drinking.

Guinness is considered an appropriate solid food, right?

BONUS:  A family-inspired video tribute celebrating the true meaning of this holiday named after Saint Patrick, the patron saint of green beer.

Sláinte!

Let’s face it:  mommies (and daddies) need to get their drink on, too, sometimes.  Okay, a LOT of the time.

So I am officially kicking off a new weekly column:  Candy’s TGIF Drink of the Week.  I realize I’m a bit late in helping you celebrate TGIF today — blame Skye’s doctor’s appointment and an incident involving my car that I won’t mention so I don’t embarrass Mr. Candy (that totally involves him borrowing my almost brand-new Audi and running into a shopping cart and deeply scratching the ENTIRE passenger side and me furrowing my brow and clenching my fists and biting my tongue for the rest of the day, but again, my lips are sealed) — but Candy’s TGIF Chocolate Martini goes down smoothly any time, so it’s more of a TGIN (Thank God It’s Now) kind of drink, anyway.

CANDY’S TGIN CHOCOLATE MARTINI

INGREDIENTS

Godiva Chocolate Liqueur  (3 shots)

Smirnoff or Stoli Vanilla Vodka (1 shot if you want it to be really smooth or 1 and 1/2 shots if you’d like an extra “kick”)

Chocolate Bar

INSTRUCTIONS

Mix Godiva and vanilla vodka in cocktail shaker.  Make shavings out of chocolate bar by using a potato peeler.  Yes!  A potato peeler.

Pour Godiva/vodka mixture into glass.  Sprinkle shavings on top of delicious goodness.  (And/or swirl chocolate syrup in glass and/or place Hershey’s Kiss in bottom of glass beforehand. Basically, the objective is to incorporate as much chocolate as possible).

And… voilà!

Heaven in a martini glass.

A virtual toast to us parents!  We deserve it.

Student enjoys a light refreshment

When I was in college, I enjoyed the occasional alcoholic drink and by “occasional,” I mean daily case of Moosehead.  In fact, I majored in keg stands and was very fortunate that I was never busted — especially considering keg stand-ology is really only supposed to be a minor.  Also, college security didn’t want the headache of dealing with us unless our drunk asses were, like, in a coma, so they would simply “raid” frat houses by coming in and making sure we had set our plastic cups on the floor before leaving so we could resume drinking again.

Good thing I attended college in the olden days, because the new trend among a “growing list of colleges,” according to The Washington Post, is notifying parents “every time a student younger than 21 is caught drinking, drunk or in possession of alcohol,” a list that includes George Washington University, M.I.T., the University of Kansas, the University of Maryland, the University of Georgia, the University of New Mexico, the University of Virginia and, most recently, Virginia Tech.

Why inform parents of their adult offspring’s unlawful antics when legal officials wouldn’t do so with adult non-college students?  Well, concerned about injuries, deaths, rising alcoholism rates and lawsuits, colleges have realized that, in addition to disciplining with fines and whatnot, seeking parents’ help can help anti-drinking efforts. Research shows that parents can have a significant influence on their children’s drinking habits.

“Students are more concerned about their parents being notified than they are of the legal consequences,” said Edward Spencer, vice president for student affairs at Virginia Tech.

If you’d asked me how I felt about this a year ago, I would have said, “Ah, c’mon.  Let the kids take responsibility for themselves, so long as they’re not, you know, driving drunk or blowing a .7 on the Breathalyzer.”  But now that I’m a parent…?  TELL ME EVERYTHING.

I’m sure Miss Skye will agree.  *Ahem*

Bar establishments used to encourage the patronage of young, attractive customers — but lately they’ve been putting their collective foot down when it comes to the company of cute babies, going so far as to ban parents with strollers in a number of New York City-area bars.  Some bans are all-day, all-night, while others are instituted after 5 p.m.  As you can imagine, this has sparked a debate almost as passionate as Angelina v. Jen, only these t-shirts would read:  “TEAM ANTI-BLOB” and “TEAM BREEDER.”  This is also the kind of debate where you are CERTAIN babies do not belong in bars… until you become a parent of said baby and mama needs a drink.

Mr. Candy and I, being fans of the occasional drink, do not take Miss Skye to hardcore bars — we’re saving that for her first birthday — but rather to restaurants that have bars.  Even then, we usually look for outdoor seating (an advantage of living in L.A.) so we have plenty of space to spread out and can make a quick getaway if Miss Skye very LOUDLY lets us know she’d rather be watching Colbert at home instead.

More often than not, we’ll just stay in and have a glass of wine after our Colbert Lover has gone to bed.  But sometimes, oh sometimes, Mommy and Daddy need to re-familiarize themselves with LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE.  Just a taste of it satiates our repressed, inner party animals for months.  It’s not like we stay anywhere past the ungodly hour of 7:00 p.m., anyway.

Here’s a million-dollar idea (spoken like an alcoholic mother):  a family-friendly bar franchise.  No stroller?  No Bjorn?  No entry!   I tell ya, that place will be ROCKING every weekend from 4 – 5 — at which point we’ll all be ready to go home and let our heads hit the pillow.  But, oh, how we will party for that one, pre-dusk hour…!

Okay, maybe not so much party, but more like hold our still-mostly-full martini glasses and reminisce about how we used to be able to handle more than two teaspoons of liquor — but, hey, it would still be nice to have a public place where we can do that, too.  *SIGH*  I guess that’s what Applebee’s is for.

Ah, I remember the days of passing out like that.  Only instead of breast milk, Heineken was my poison of choice.  Of course, they’re not all that different:  Given how Skye has been putting it back lately — I mean REALLY putting it back — I fully expect her to pull up with a funnel and do a breast bong any moment now.

A new Globe & Mail article reveals that moms — GASP! — like to get their drink on.  In fact, having kids sometimes drives ladies to drink more than they did prior to becoming a mama.

For women who spend all day with kids, alcohol symbolizes adult time, claims Stefanie Wilder-Tayler, the Los Angeles-based author of Naptime Is the New Happy Hour and mother of two youngins.  After the kids are in bed, a couple of glasses of wine offer an escape from the feeling of hyper-responsibility, says Wilder-Tayler, 42. “It makes you feel like you’re still young and you’re still fun.”

You mean we’re not?  Ouch.  Pass me that boxed wine!

Of course, the article can’t just leave it at that and suggests these fun moms may have a problem:

According to a 2007 study, a significant number of mothers drink heavily in the weeks after giving birth. Researchers from the University of Wisconsin surveyed 8,700 postpartum mothers and found that 12 percent reported at-risk alcohol-related behaviors – defined as seven or more drinks per week, or four or more drinks on a single occasion at least once in the past month.

So one drink a day defines us as borderline-Courtney Love?  Uh-oh.  (Note to self:  Do NOT broadcast the fact you’re planning a “Meet the Baby” keg party next month.)

I’m not sure which is more offensive:  that people barely take notice of fathers who drink a six-pack a day; or that the title of the article is “Mommy wants a drinkypoo.”  Yes!  A drinkypoo!  I thought mothers were drinking to ESCAPE the poo.

These two totally sober-looking individuals, Danica Wallace, 24, and Jeremy Welch, 29, were recently arrested in Ohio after the cops spotted the reportedly pantless duo having sex in a car.

But wait — there’s more!

Danica’s two small children, ages four years and 22 months, were sitting in the back while they were knocking da boots.  Something tells me the traumatized kids will ask to take the bus from now on.

Good ol’ Jeremy, described as “extremely intoxicated,” had a simple explanation for their behavior: “We got horny and just wanted to fuck!!”  (The reporting officer added the extra exclamation point for emphasis.)

Meanwhile, Mother of the Week contender Danica, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, claimed to have only consumed a 22-ounce bottle of Budweiser.

“I’m not completely drunk,” she assured police.

That’s good enough for me.   Please, continue on your way, ma’am!

“I thought being weened off the boobie would be awful, but this stuff is de-lish!”

Because only somebody with beer goggles would slip on those leggings and ankle boots and think, “Yes!  Perfect!  But wait — I should grab a scarf in case I want to cover my NECK.”

Yes, I’m definitely catching the strong scent of Irish Coffee here.  ‘Cause any sober person could see it’s not her upper half that’s being victimized.