Posts Tagged ‘Par-tay!’
2010 East Coast Birthday Party Tour
Jul 26, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Par-tay!
Our crew has touched down in Delaware (state slogan: ”The home of dozens!”) as Mr. Candy and I chauffeur Miss Skye on her 2010 East Coast Birthday Party Tour. The tour is similar to what I imagine The Rolling Stones’ concert tours used to be like, only instead of a private jet, we are making tour stops in a four-door Chevy Malibu. And instead of lines of coke, Miss Skye is getting high on obscene amounts of icing, chased with shots of water and MiraLax. And instead of in-flight group orgies, we pass the time with in-rental car games of “How Many Cheerios Can Skye Throw on the Floor?”
I also found a rotting avocado in my suitcase. I like to think of it as our very own Keith Richards.
But back to Delaware: In addition to residents and square footage, the state is lacking Internet access. My mother-in-law, despite being just 55 years old, does not know how to turn on a computer, let alone own one with this newfangled Internet thing. Meanwhile, her thoughtless neighbors do not appear to have wireless access for me to steal. RUDE. This is, as you can imagine, the worst thing to ever happen to me, outside of Salt-N-Pepa’s tragic split of ’99*. Thankfully, Mr. Candy has a wireless AT&T modem that I can use; the connection is almost as fast as an AOL dial-up. Almost. It also enjoys kicking me off the Internet every 15 minutes or so, just to let me know who wields the power here.
You have more than made your point, Mr. Modem — I AM YOUR INTERNET BITCH.
Which is my long-winded way of explaining why I started this column nine hours ago, and am just now posting it. To make it up to you, I would like to share a picture of my mother-in-law’s mannequin, Beavis.
Yes, my mother-in-law has mannequins. Who hang out in the living room. Who also — I kid you not — have been “christened” by her Web-ordained brother. She inherited this, er, hobby from her mother, who also had a living room full of ‘em.
Ah, in-laws.
What can I say, except that I sleep with one eye open at my mother-in-law’s because I am VERY unsettled by the way Beavis stares into my soul. Also, I pray the mannequin-collecting gene is recessive.
*I think we can all agree Salt’s subsequent solo Christian rap career was ill-advised
The Laughing Stork Newsletter and Imminent Launch
Mar 16, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Par-tay!, Personal
The Laughing Stork is finally going to “officially” launch with a snazzy new design, expanded offerings, more frequent updates and a weekly video blog lampooning children’s programming and family reality shows within the next two weeks. Woo-hoo!
Don’t miss out. Get notified when the site launches and kept apprised of other news & announcements by signing up for The Laughing Stork’s newsletter:
I PROMISE not to share your info with anyone or spam you — my hubby thinks spammers should be electrocuted and I do value, um, living — and you can opt out at any time. You can also follow me on the myriad social networking sites: Twitter; Facebook; MySpace. Okay, well, maybe not myriad, but there are three!
I’m taking a pseudo-Spring Break this week to work on the TLS launch, finally work on that book I’ve been blathering about for years, figure out my new snazzy camera and spend some quality final days with my two-seat convertible (*sniff* *sniff*), but will still be posting on The Laughing Stork when I can. In the meantime, here are some of my fave columns thus far:
“All’s Fair in Pregnancy and Parking”
“Ultrasound Reveals… A Belly Party?”
Looking forward to seeing y’all at the launch par-tay!
Candy
candy@thelaughingstork.com
