Posts Tagged ‘Love & Marriage’
The Battle of Snow Globe
Aug 24, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Musings | Tags: Hmpf, Love & Marriage
The sparkly battle lines have been drawn
You know those neighbors who still have Christmas lights hanging from the edge of their roof, and every time you drive by, you cluck to your spouse, “It’s August, for heaven’s sake. WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO TAKE DOWN THOSE FREAKING LIGHTS?”
Well, I happen to know the answer: When the responsible party — likely a married couple — decides to actually communicate about the lights. Also known as: never.
You see, Mr. Candy and I have our own version of the inappropriate Christmas lights, a perfectly lovely holiday snow globe that should have been packed away seven months ago. Being the eagle-eyed observer that I am, I realized around Easter that it was still lingering in our living room — presumably having escaped from the box also containing my wild-eyed, violin-playing Santa doll. Because no decoration could have been thrilled about sharing such tight quarters with THAT creepy guy for eleven straight months.
WHAT I SAID TO MR. CANDY: “Why is this snow globe still in here?”
WHAT I WANTED HIM TO HEAR: “You were supposed to take this down to storage months ago. Please do so now.”
WHAT MR. CANDY SAID IN RESPONSE: “Dunno.”
WHAT MR. CANDY WANTED ME TO HEAR: “I have no idea what you just said. Can’t you see I’m trying to watch the Sixers game here, woman?”
Both of us emerged from this exchange, satisfied that we were on the same page. After all, we had made our feelings crystal clear! Only, strangely, something got lost in translation. Because the snow globe remained in our house. And I “innocently” changed the channel from the basketball game to E! News Daily that day.
Weird, right?
And it only gets weirder. No matter how many times I ask, Why is this snow globe still in here?, and regardless of how many accusatory glances I shoot his way while standing next to the snow globe, MR. CANDY DOES NOT TAKE THE SNOW GLOBE TO OUR STORAGE SHED.
It’s like I need to ask him to take it to storage or something. I just don’t get it.
I’ve even tried putting the offending decoration on top of my box of maternity clothes, in hopes that bundling them would inspire Mr. Candy to finally give in, and carry the box AND the snow globe down to the garage. He kindly put away the box of clothes — and left the snow globe on our coffee table.
Oh, this was war. And, believe you me, I let him know so:
“Why is this snow globe on the coffee table?” I asked, eyebrow arched menacingly.
“Dunno,” Mr. Candy shrugged, thinking to himself, “What is it with her and the snow globe? And that eyebrow thing — does that mean she wants sex now? WOO-HOO!”
Sure, I could have taken the thing down to storage myself. But that would be admitting defeat! So I exercised the only other rational option — and placed the snow globe in various prominent spots around the house, going as far as to rearrange our console table to showcase the damn thing, believing that the very SIGHT of the Christmas decoration in July would be enough to push Mr. Candy over the edge.
WHAT I THINK WHEN I SEE THE DAMN THING: “Gah! Eyesore!”
WHAT MR. CANDY THINKS: “You know, if we got rid of that table, we’d have room for a bigger TV.”
Needless to say, the snow globe still resides in our house and will no doubt remain here until Christmas. Once the New Year rolls around, I’m going to settle this “battle” once and for all… and dump it in the plastic Jack-o-Lantern outside our door.
Husband of the day so far: Wife discovers hubby’s second marriage on Facebook
Aug 5, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Weird But True | Tags: Busted, Love & Marriage
Till Facebook do us part
Turns out, Facebook does more than keep you apprised of what your high school friend’s seven-year-old ate for breakfast — it also helps you investigate your lying bigamist of a “husband.” That is, if you don’t already have the Bigamist Investigation app on your iPhone.
The scoop: Lynn France suspected her hubby John (with whom she has two children) was cheating, so she tracked Johnny Boy down at a hotel and, lo and behold, she was right.
“He was there with this girlfriend,” Lynn told The Daily Mail. “I said, ‘Hey, I’m his wife. We’ve got a baby.’ ”
I guess the girlfriend, Amanda, was nonplussed — marriage, schmarriage — because she simply told Lynn that she was engaged to Johnny Boy. When Lynn’s friend recommended that she check out the woman on Facebook, she did — and found not only photos of the woman’s bridal shower, but also a Disney World WEDDING at which Amanda had dressed up like Sleeping Beauty and John as Prince Charming.
He’s Prince Charming, all right.
After discovering the photos, Lynn began divorce proceedings. I can’t imagine why! John France doesn’t deny he married Amanda, but says he’s no bigamist because his first marriage to Lynn has since been declared invalid due to a clerical error.
Well, THAT clears it all up.
Eight Years of Marriage
Jul 6, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Musings | Tags: Love & Marriage
The foundation of a good marriage: a shared love for high-fashion
Mr. Candy and I were not brought together in a “meet-cute.” We didn’t hop into the same New York cab in the pouring rain. Our hands didn’t brush reaching for the same latte on the Stabucks counter. In fact, Mr. Candy hates coffee. He hates the taste of it, the smell of it — if I give him a post-latte kiss, he’ll pull back and grimace, “Mmmm. Latte lips.” In the very same tone I would say, “Mmmm. Fruitcake. Again. Thanks, Aunt Betty.” But he will offer to go to Starbucks at 10 p.m. if I so much as mention I need a fix. Which is just one of many things that makes him so awesome.
When we met at a party that my roommates and I were hosting, both Mr. Candy and I had just moved to New York City after graduating from our respective colleges. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend of three years — a long time for a young lass such as myself — and was ready to sow my wild oats in the big city; Mr. Candy came to the party with his girlfriend, a sweet, lovely gal who sulked in the corner, nursing her apple-and-pear wine cooler, and rolled her eyes at our “immature” jokes.
I know. Can you believe it? A WINE COOLER. Obviously, it was never meant to be.
Our romantic destiny was sealed when I casually mentioned to my friends at the party that I thought Mr. Candy was cute. I’ve always had a thing for super-smart guys. Some chicks like bulging muscles. Me…? I tingled when I heard my future husband had graduated magna cum laude from Wharton’s undergraduate School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania, majoring in their two hardest concentrations. Plus, even more importantly, he shared my passion for copious amounts of alcohol. RAWR.
Yes, I said it: TINGLED.
Well, my friends decided it was their job — nay, their mission in life — to hook up Mr. Candy and me. Because that’s the kind of romantics they are. But mostly, because they despised his current girlfriend and figured I was a slightly less annoying option.
After a lot of giggling and conspiring and running back and forth between rooms, as only 21-year-olds would do, our friends somehow convinced The Evil Girlfriend to go home — without Mr. Candy — which allowed the two of us to bond over Jell-O shots and the fact that we both enjoyed Sammy Hagar with Van Halen. Meanwhile, The Evil Girlfriend returned to Mr. Candy’s apartment and, I kid you not, FOLDED HIS LAUNDRY.
Who knew Mr. Candy was such a playa? That dawg.
Six years later — including one year of dating, one year of living in sin, two years of me going to grad school in a different city and two years of Mr. Candy going to grad school (but always committed to each other) — we finally got hitched.
That was eight years ago today.
Many of my single friends ask me what our “secret” to happiness is. Friendship, of course, is high on the list. As is laughter. Two television sets. A willingness to “look the other way” whenever you find porn on your spouse’s computer. (Sorry you had to see that, Mr. Candy.) Whenever I become sentimental and ask my husband what he first noticed about me, he always gets starry-eyed and smiles: “Your boobs.” Then, when he notices the look on my face, he sputters: “I mean your eyes. YOUR EYES!”
So, yeah, I would also suggest low-cut tops.
After eight years of marriage, I can tell you exactly what Mr. Candy is thinking after reading this tribute (?) to us: “Wait — she DIDN’T marry me for my bulging muscles?”
Yes, honey, your bulging muscles also made me tingle. Just as you were attracted to my EYES.
Happy Anniversary, my muscly, brainy love.
50 Years
Jun 10, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Candy's Dad, Candy's Mom, Love & Marriage
My parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary today. Talk about an inspiration. Married when they were wee teenagers, their romance has endured through three kids, four cats, two dogs, one parakeet, several hermit crabs, countless fish, and a time when the family had to share just ONE television set — and shower.
Now that’s love.
Awesome Family Photo: No More Monkeying Around
May 27, 2010 | Filed Under: Animals,Awesome Family Photos,Featured,Other Photos | Tags: Love & Marriage
Yeah, this pretty much sums up what having a baby does to a marriage.
Breaking: Married Women Just Not That Into Sex
May 23, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Love & Marriage, Not Tonight Dear I'm Married, Sexy Time
A stunning and shocking and totally surprising study says that married women would rather read, watch a movie or sleep than have sex.
Sign of the Apocalypse #4351
Apr 12, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Love & Marriage, Signs of Apocalypse
MR. CANDY: How long are your parents going to be here?
Yet Another One of Jesse James’ Elegant Mistresses Comes Forward
Mar 25, 2010 | Filed Under: Celebrities,Pop Culture | Tags: Love & Marriage, Tsk Tsk
Gah! I’ve been trying to ignore the new mistress updates, but Jesse James is apparently the tattooed, motorcycle-riding Tiger Woods — so many HOTS (honies on the side) coming out of the woodwork, that he’s making it nearly impossible to avoid the reports. So alas…
