Denial:  not just a river in Africa.  Or what I employ when I try to pull on my pre-pregnancy jeans.

A couple in Michigan,  Carri and Ryan Emmons, recently had this very experience when the father called 911 in a panic because his wife was — SURPRISE! — giving birth in their bathtub.

The dispatcher reports that she could hear Carri yelling that she “thinks she’s having a baby,” quickly followed by Carri screaming something a bit more definitive: “The head is out!”

I’m no doctor, but yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s one of the signs of labor.

“Oh my God, I’m looking at a baby,” the 31-year-old father announced as the dispatcher tried to calm him down and get an address to send medical personnel.

“I didn’t know my wife was pregnant,” Ryan said of his 27-year-old wife, already a mother of three.

“You didn’t know she was pregnant?” the dispatcher asked.

“No, no,” Ryan answers. “(I) had no idea my wife was pregnant.”

And when you see this picture of Carri taken just days before giving birth, you’ll see why they had no idea:

Yes, this is a joke

Well, no wonder!

If there’s one thing that always endears me to a man, it’s when he has enough guts to get behind the closed doors of a radio station and attack a teenage girl’s looks.  Mmmm… sexy.

So, naturally, I am swooning over 41-year-old Jamie Foxx, who called Miley Cyrus “the one with all them gums” on his Sirius Satellite radio show, adding that, ” She need to get a gum transplant!”  Sweet.

The weird tirade against Miley was prompted when a caller brought up her silly feud with Radiohead.  Jamie seemed to take personal offense that someone like Miley would even be mentioned in the same breath as Radiohead, so to put her in her proper place, he told her to “Go and make a sex-tape witch yo daddy!” “Go and catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat!”  “Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin!”  “Do like Lindsay Lohan … and get some crack in your pipe…. That’s what I want.”

Jamie, whose movie “The Soloist” is released next weekend, clearly had visions of a lost Oscar nomination dancing in his head and offered an apology on Leno last night, claiming he’s just a comedian trying to make funny jokes.  Ha, haaaaaa!

Hmmmm… given his just-plain-stupid remarks, I’m not sure he needs to apologize to Miley so much as he needs to apologize to the comedy community.  … “Comedian?”  …”Funny?”  Now THAT’s offensive.

Not actual baby. Merely an actor reenacting the gruesome series of events.

A man who clearly skipped a few important chapters in the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Fatherhood has been accused of giving methamphetamine-laced water to his wife while she was nursing their poor three-month-old baby.

But wait!  It gets better…

The wisdom behind this move:  35-year-old William Lee Bieber told authorities he made his wife drink meth water to “give her energy to clean the house.”

That is just WRONG.

No, seriously — that approach is totally incorrect.  Here’s the right way, Mr. Bieber:  you get her hooked on heroin.  The first taste is free, then you refuse to give her any more hits until she scrubs some toilets.  Duh!

Bieber is now in jail for endangerment with a controlled substance, second-degree assault, domestic violence and five counts of witness-tampering after calling his wife 51 times from jail, despite a no-contact order.

The Laughing Stork’s sources say Mr. Bieber is finally getting that clean floor he so desperately wanted… as his cellmate Bubba mops the floor with HIM.