If you think this T. rex bed causes nightmares, just wait until you see the kid’s crocodile bath toys.

[via Boing Boing]

That’s “twisted,” all right.  No way is my daughter wearing tassels like that until she’s at least 18 years old and forging a prestigious career at a gentleman’s club!  Geesh.

Don’t even get me started on the “nipper size.”

Well, this is just all sorts of wrong, isn’t it?  I mean, everybody knows you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO LAY A BABY ON HER STOMACH, a fact that’s been drilled home several billion times by my baby books –

What’s that?  Oh yes, that IS a headless baby, isn’t it?  Huh.  Ah, nothing says “have a healthy, happy pregnancy” quite like a beheaded baby dessert!  Suppose that renders the whole laying-baby-on-her-stomach argument moot.

Even the teddy bear is bowled over in disbelief.

[via CakeWrecks.com]

“Wassup, bitches?”

This “Benjino” Gangsta Baby Doll was inspired by what?

1)  Carrot Top:  The Vanilla Ice Wannabe Years;

2)  A new line of toys guaranteed to give you and your kids nightmares for many years to come;

3)  Chucky‘s alter ego, Gangsta Chuck-E;

4)  A toymaker who clearly needs to share his large stash of drugs with us;

5)  None of the above.  This doll was inspired by __________________.

FUN, ’80s MUSIC-LOVING GAL SEEKING GUY TO CUDDLE WITH, CHANGE ONLINE DIAPERS TOGETHER

Nope, not weird at all.

According to the release, “all you need to do is load their photos as well as yours, and you get the chance to create a virtual baby in 9 seconds, not 9 months.”  Which could also be the title of a movie sequel:  “How to Lose a Guy in Nine Seconds.”

They claim 35,000 members have already “morphed and given birth to beautiful YOUAND.ME virtual members.”  One member, who wishes to remain anonymous — can’t imagine why? — apparently “beams with joy” when speaking about her virtual child:

“Actually, my sweetie is about what I’d imagine my ideal baby would look like,” she states. “I’m a little nervous as a novice virtual mommy, and I’ve yet to break the news to the virtual daddy.”

And in related news, virtual restraining orders have recently increased exponentially!

I mean, that’s a little bizarre, right?  Who in their right mind would — oh, wait.  I forgot to share a very special announcement with you!

Yes, I’ve been withholding a few minor details of my pregnancy with you.  Just minor.  Clooney and I had a virtual one-night stand and, well, here is our little bundle of joy, Kirby!  I’m still recovering from my virtual C-section, but Clooney has helped ease my pain with a virtual diamond ring!

Sorry, Mr. Candy.  But the virtual rock is HUGE.

I know what you’re thinking, and… yes, we are registered.  You can find our virtual baby registry at Petit Tresor, the very same place where Tom and Katie registered for THEIR virtual bab — er… I mean, for Suri.

[Make Your Own Baby Here]

I’m a huge fan of Burger King’s french fries.  But their ads…?  Not so much.

Seriously.  That Burger King they use in their commercials haunts me in my dreams.  Looks more like a bank robber or serial killer than a cool dude I want DJ’ing my parties, as they try to portray.  Unless, of course, I want all of my guests to end up DEAD!

But I digress.

Parents are reportedly none-too-pleased about SpongeBob popping up last week in a Burger King kids meal commercial, in which rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot proclaims “Booty is booty” and a bevy of beauties with rectangular asses gyrate for the camera.  Their bottoms also were measured by the Burger King character.  Probably to see if they’d fit IN HIS DUNGEON OF DEATH!

Again, with the digression.  My apologies.

The spot, which alters music from the rapper’s 1992 “Baby Got Back” song — one of my old faves, I must admit — to say “I like square butts,” began airing during the NCAA basketball championship game last week.  Complaints from parents followed shortly, according to the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which is leading a letter-writing effort against the ads.

“Associating a cartoon character who is wildly popular with young children with this kind of objectification of women and looking at and talking about their body parts, this is really a new low,” said Josh Golin, the group’s associate director.

However, Burger King claims the ads are targeted toward adults… which is why they used SpongeBob to push a kids’ meal?  Interesting, um, strategy.  Methinks the BK Marketing Department got slashed due to budget cuts — or due to a VISIT FROM THE BURGER KING!

No, I really can’t let it go.  He freaks me out, man!

These children are planning to do what with the Hitler doll?

1)  Have a tea party with their adorable Osama bin Laden pull-toy and Joseph Stalin dress-up doll;

2)  Pay him back with a trip to the microwave;

3)  Give the Anna Nicole Smith doll a run for her money in the “Creepiest Doll Ever” competition;

4)  Set him up with his dream woman, Forever Beautiful Bride Barbie;

5)  None of the above.  The kids are _______________.

[Source]

Introducing “reborns,” dolls that are designed to look and feel just like a real newborn baby — and, I suspect, to kill you in your sleep.

According to ABC News, women across the country are obsessed with these life-like dolls, paying upwards of $1,400 to fulfill their maternal needs with them.

$1400?! If they’re looking to be mothers, I’m pretty sure K-Fed would gladly knock them up for the low price of a Bud Light Lime.

One reborn fanatic admits her dolls are kind of a substitute for babies and that she especially savors moments when other people think that her reborns are real.

“I guess it would be considered, like, a maternal instinct,” she said. “You’re, like, all happy and proud, ’cause they’re, you know, googling over your baby.”

Well, who could resist that adorable crown of serial killer hair?!

Another fanatic just purchased a reborn called Rachel for $1,400 to add to her collection of 36 dolls. Yes, folks, 36 freakin’ dolls. Which, according to my finely trained mathematical mind, equals… a sh*tload of money.

I’m tellin’ ya: one Bud Light Lime. That’s all it would take, ladies.

It’s been awhile since LEGO Robin made a public appearance, and now we know why:  “Boy Wonder” has grown old, gotten one too many facelifts and asked his hair stylist for the Rod Blagojevich Special.  *SIGH*  Oh, LEGO Robin.

Talk about the gift that keeps on giving — even in places where you don’t want it.  The Baby Wee Wee Doll is guaranteed to make your kids’ spray*, er… day.

*Cheesy puns sold separately