Posts Tagged ‘Candy’s Mom’
Jul 27, 2009
My mom just poked her head in before going to bed, and rather than the usual “good-night, love you,” she asked when she should start crying because I haven’t gone into labor yet. This is what it’s come to, people.
Jun 15, 2009
Naturally, pregnancy has made me nostalgic. Embarrassingly so. I have a slide show of my life playing on loop in my head — especially recollections of how my parents raised me — from Dad taking time out of his busy schedule to coach my softball team to Mom subtly pointing out I might want to [...]
May 19, 2009
When I first spied those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, the next nine months of my belly in various forms of growth flashed before my eyes. Or perhaps those flashes came from hitting my head on the toilet when I’d passed out from severe nausea. (Oh, how I miss the first trimester.) Regardless, [...]
May 5, 2009
CANDY: We made an appointment to tour a day care this week…
CANDY’S MOM: Already?!
CANDY: They’re booked months in advance. There’s actually a waiting list. Hell, we’ll have to start looking at pre-schools soon!
CANDY’S MOM: I’ve heard some of those places even make the kids take I.Q. tests.
CANDY: Crazy, right?
CANDY’S MOM: Good thing we didn’t have [...]
Apr 29, 2009
My mom has a healthy outlook on growing older: “Nothing good about it!” Okay, so we may lose bone density, hair, mobility, the ability to apply lipstick within a five-inch radius of our actual mouths… but, as I learned from my recent trip back home with my parents, we also gain something valuable with age:
Carte [...]
Apr 16, 2009
I was born and raised in a Central Pennsylvania suburb called Mechanicsburg, which was not — to the disappointment of the jokesters who’ve asked me — founded by car mechanics.
A cosmopolitan metropolis? Not exactly. The smell of cow dung was all-too-familiar and Esprit was the brand I aspired to wear one day. Oh, one day! [...]
Mar 2, 2009
It’s critical to be surrounded by a sensitive support team during pregnancy. Your emotions are raging so hard, you have a nervous breakdown when the Coffee Bean barista inadvertently uses soy milk instead of skim in your chai latte. (Trust me, the asshole will never make THAT mistake again.) Your stomach is [...]
Feb 19, 2009
CANDY’S MOM: I can’t believe you’re quoting me in your column now!
CANDY (WITH TREMENDOUS SYMPATHY): Well, believe it.
CANDY’S MOM: It was an innocent comment. I didn’t mean anything by it.
CANDY: Uh-huh.
CANDY’S MOM: That’s it. I’m not saying anything about you and the baby ever again!
CUT TO: ONE MINUTE LATER
CANDY’S MOM: … I’ve been SO waiting [...]
