Posts Tagged ‘Candy’s Mom’
Candy’s Mom Ditches Longtime Love for a Younger, Newer Model
Jul 2, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Candy's Mom
ME: You finally sold your car?
MOM: We did.
ME: Wow.
MOM: Had that car almost twenty years, you know.
ME: I do.
MOM: Longer than most of you kids stayed here!
ME: So you loved the car more than you loved us, is what you’re saying?
MOM: (AVOIDING) Have to admit, I got choked up when they drove it away.
ME: I’m sure.
MOM: It was kind of like sending you off to kindergarten: at first I got choked up, then I was like, phew. FREEDOM…!
ME: ‘Phew‘? ‘FREEDOM‘?!
MOM: Just you wait.
50 Years
Jun 10, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Candy's Dad, Candy's Mom, Love & Marriage
My parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary today. Talk about an inspiration. Married when they were wee teenagers, their romance has endured through three kids, four cats, two dogs, one parakeet, several hermit crabs, countless fish, and a time when the family had to share just ONE television set — and shower.
Now that’s love.
Blame These Guys
Apr 16, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Candy's Dad, Candy's Mom
If you’ve noticed a decided lack of stories this week and are wondering how on EARTH I could have missed posting about Mel Gibson’s shocking split with his baby mama or the breaking news that zinc in pregnancy combats babies’ diarrhea, blame my mom and dad who are visiting from Pennsylvania. Visiting their granddaughter, that is. I don’t even delude myself into believing they are here to see me anymore.
What Goes Around
Feb 11, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Musings | Tags: Candy's Mom
ME: You know, it really sucks…
MY MOM: What’s that?
Countdown to Tears
Jul 27, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Featured | Tags: Candy's Mom
My mom just poked her head in before going to bed, and rather than the usual “good-night, love you,” she asked when she should start crying because I haven’t gone into labor yet. This is what it’s come to, people. Continue Reading »
Hair-Raising Trip Down Memory Lane
Jun 15, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Candy's Mom
Naturally, pregnancy has made me nostalgic. Embarrassingly so. I have a slide show of my life playing on loop in my head — especially recollections of how my parents raised me — from Dad taking time out of his busy schedule to coach my softball team to Mom subtly pointing out I might want to look into Sally Hansen Facial Hair Creme.
Oh sure, it stung. But I came to realize Mom may have saved my life with that suggestion, as I was practically just an open Hawaiian shirt away from being a dead ringer for Magnum P.I.
This sentimentality has led to many evening spent thumbing through old family photo albums. Which has led to much laughter and “Oh no, I di-in’t!”s. Well, oh yes, I DID — as you can see in the picture I’m about to share with you. A picture that, I believe, embodies the true spirit of the increasingly popular blog called Awkward Family Photos:
The bigger the hair, the closer to awesomeness
Considering Mom has NEVER had her eyes open in the history of all photos taken of her, that’s actually a nice picture of her. And this time, I can’t really blame her for closing her eyes because OMIGOD, LOOK AT THAT HAIR OF MINE! Mom is probably closing her eyes in fear that my hair is going to attack her like a pack of rabid dogs. Either that, or she’s lamenting how her daughter has single-handedly punctured a hole in the Ozone with the four cans of Vavoom Freezing Spray that were used to sculpt that hair into such a work of art.
It was the early ’90s, okay? I wanted to be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman so passionately, that I even bought that polka-dotted dress! And begged for brown-colored contacts! And waited on street corners for a hot billionaire to drive up in a Lotus! (Never happened, strangely, but I did get some lovely offers from middle-aged men in Trans Ams that I regretfully had to decline.)
Lord only knows how my daughter will humiliate herself when she enters the dreaded teenage years. Like Mom, I’ll just laugh and close my eyes.
30 Weeks
May 19, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Pregnancy | Tags: Candy's Mom
When I first spied those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, the next nine months of my belly in various forms of growth flashed before my eyes. Or perhaps those flashes came from hitting my head on the toilet when I’d passed out from severe nausea. (Oh, how I miss the first trimester.) Regardless, no amount of daydreaming or nausea-induced peeks into the future could have prepared me for the reality of this not-so-little development:
"Where did THIS thing come from?!"
It’s my 30-Week Milestone! Also known as The Tipping Point. Seriously, with my center of gravity officially missing in action (I swear a kitchen tile jumped up and tripped me this morning), college kids sure could have a lot of fun sneaking up on me and tipping me over. Let’s grab a case of MGD and go Candy Tipping tonight, guys!
Of course, it would be all fun and games until I HUNTED THEM DOWN AND SAT ON THEM. Once I managed to get back on my feet. The next day.
While I keep an eye out the window for USC students bearing cattle prods and double-bolt my doors, I just have to say pregnancy has agreed with me in a way I never expected. I’ve become one of those happy, glowy, knocked-up chicks you want to smack on the head. The odds of this happening were previously thought to be even worse than Tom Cruise’s chances of getting drafted by the NBA. Just ask my mother:
ME: I can’t believe how much I’m enjoying being pregnant.
CANDY’S MOM: I can’t believe it either. At all.
ME: I hear Tom Cruise is going to play center for the Lakers next year
CANDY’S MOM: Really?! Well, I guess that’s not so crazy.
Hey now. Who WOULDN’T love having a belly that could double as a ball in Tom’s first NBA game?
Mother, Friend, Personal Ego Deflator
May 5, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Candy's Mom
CANDY: We made an appointment to tour a day care this week…
CANDY’S MOM: Already?!
CANDY: They’re booked months in advance. There’s actually a waiting list. Hell, we’ll have to start looking at pre-schools soon!
CANDY’S MOM: I’ve heard some of those places even make the kids take I.Q. tests.
CANDY: Crazy, right?
CANDY’S MOM: Good thing we didn’t have to do that at your school. We never would have gotten you in!
(Ed. note: It’s no wonder I turned to Snickers Bars for comfort as a child. And teenager. And adult. Dammit, WHY IS THERE NO CHOCOLATE IN THIS HOUSE?!)
