Till Facebook do us part

Turns out, Facebook does more than keep you apprised of what your high school friend’s seven-year-old ate for breakfast — it also helps you investigate your lying bigamist of a “husband.”  That is, if you don’t already have the Bigamist Investigation app on your iPhone.

The scoop:  Lynn France suspected her hubby John (with whom she has two children) was cheating, so she tracked Johnny Boy down at a hotel and, lo and behold, she was right.

“He was there with this girlfriend,” Lynn told The Daily Mail.  “I said, ‘Hey, I’m his wife. We’ve got a baby.’ ”

I guess the girlfriend, Amanda, was nonplussed — marriage, schmarriage — because she simply told Lynn that she was engaged to Johnny Boy.  When Lynn’s friend recommended that she check out the woman on Facebook, she did — and found not only photos of the woman’s bridal shower, but also a Disney World WEDDING at which Amanda had dressed up like Sleeping Beauty and John as Prince Charming.

He’s Prince Charming, all right.

After discovering the photos, Lynn began divorce proceedings.  I can’t imagine why!   John France doesn’t deny he married Amanda, but says he’s no bigamist because his first marriage to Lynn has since been declared invalid due to a clerical error.

Well, THAT clears it all up.

Jeremy’s promising life of crime is cut short by his total lack of poker face.

[Photo Source]

"This is my f*cking prom."

On my prom night back in the Stone Ages, my worst crime was showing unseemly tan lines in a strapless dress.  Yes!  Unseemly!  This chick to the right, however — SHE sure knows how to make the prom a night to remember.  Or not remember, given her level of intoxication.

Where to even begin?  I’ll allow The Smoking Gun to explain:

Meet Jessica Halter. The Ohio student, 18, was arrested Saturday night at her high school prom after she drunkenly assaulted a policeman, tried to kick a paramedic, and spewed a “bloody ball of spit” at one cop. According to a Lorain Police Department report, an officer working the North Ridgeville High School prom was approached by school administrators who had received several complaints about the “highly intoxicated” Halter. When told of these complaints, Halter replied, “This is my fucking prom, this is bullshit.” Halter, her speech slurred, denied drinking alcohol and cursed out the school’s principal and assistant principal. “You are fucking bitches, this is my prom, I’m not drunk,” said Halter. After refusing to take a Breathalyzer test, Halter attempted to swing a chair at cops, and then began “smacking her forehead into the chair handle causing her nose to bleed.” While being handcuffed, Halter “began kicking, screaming, spitting and thrashing about.” As she was walked out of DeLuca’s catering hall, Halter–screaming obscenities–”let her legs go limp,” so officers had to carry the teen to a patrol car. That is when Halter “cleared her throat and spit a bloody ball of spit” at Officer Kyle Gelenius, whose name tag was ripped from his uniform by Halter during the confrontation. Seated in the back of the cruiser, Halter “continued to spit blood on the windows, the divider, and the roof,” and kicked the vehicle’s window. For her prom night meltdown, Halter was booked into the Lorain County jail (where she posed for the mug shot to the right) and charged with assaulting a cop, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, and underage drinking.

Huh.  Sounds like somebody was a little irked she wasn’t voted Prom Queen?

*Sigh*  Whatever happened to the more innocent days of parents keeping their pot stash in a sock drawer or empty coffee can?

State police say that Ronald Washington called the school and asked if his son had arrived because he needed to retrieve something from the boy’s backpack.  This apparently made school officials suspicious because they searched the bag and discovered two plastic bags containing 3.7 ounces of what they believed to be marijuana.  Probably right next to the kid’s alphabet flashcards.

That just ain’t right.

Ronny Boy was arrested when he arrived at the school and charged with possession of marijuana, possession with intent to deliver marijuana and disorderly conduct. The report said Ron told troopers he had done “something dumb.”  The judge seemed to agree with that assessment because bail was set at $100,000 — which Ron was unable to make, so he is being held in jail.

No word on whether the incident has inspired Sesame Street to create another fun toy:  Nickel (Bag) Me Elmo.

Police were searching cars they believed were on their way to remote Aboriginal communities where liquor is banned — which may be the REAL travesty of this story — when they found the unrestrained children unwittingly hiding the goods.

I feel terrible for the kids, but am intrigued by this new kind of Robin Hood:  taking from the drunk to give to the alcohol-poor!

During a search they found a young, unrestrained child sleeping on top of a case of beer in the backseat.  Meanwhile, a search of another car revealed a child sitting on top of a beer carton that had been covered by a blanket.

Fosters:  Australian for “car seat.”

Sergeant Conan Robertson says both children were put in unsafe situations.

“The hope has got to be that people realize that the value [of] their child is far higher than a carton of beer,” he said.

I’ll drink to that!

Last year, the same neighborhood attracted international attention after police caught a driver who had put a seatbelt around a beer carton, but left a child unrestrained.

Suddenly, I’m feeling like a much better parent.  I always restrain my baby AND my six-packs.

These two totally sober-looking individuals, Danica Wallace, 24, and Jeremy Welch, 29, were recently arrested in Ohio after the cops spotted the reportedly pantless duo having sex in a car.

But wait — there’s more!

Danica’s two small children, ages four years and 22 months, were sitting in the back while they were knocking da boots.  Something tells me the traumatized kids will ask to take the bus from now on.

Good ol’ Jeremy, described as “extremely intoxicated,” had a simple explanation for their behavior: “We got horny and just wanted to fuck!!”  (The reporting officer added the extra exclamation point for emphasis.)

Meanwhile, Mother of the Week contender Danica, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, claimed to have only consumed a 22-ounce bottle of Budweiser.

“I’m not completely drunk,” she assured police.

That’s good enough for me.   Please, continue on your way, ma’am!

Kenny G, is that you?

A mom who was fed up with her 10- and 12-year-old daughters fighting ordered them to get out of the car — and drove away.

Sounds like someone has been watching too many episodes of “Desperate Housewives.”

Of course, it’s not like the woman exactly abandoned them in Compton.  She left them in the swanky White Plains business district three miles from their home.  The report does not reveal whether the girls had cell phones or whether the frustrated mom, Madlyn Primoff, 45, a partner in a Manhattan law firm, ever returned to look for the girls.  However, police did say that the 12-year-old eventually caught up with the mother.  Meanwhile, the 10-year-old was found by a “Good Samaritan” on the street, reportedly upset and emotional about losing her mother.

Madlyn pleaded not guilty to a charge of endangering a child.  A temporary order of protection was issued, barring her from all contact with the children (Ed. note:  Seriously?), who were physically unharmed.

This is why I’m installing a camcorder in my car before Baby Girl arrives.  That way, I can use the footage as Exhibit A when I enter my insanity plea!

"Wait -- should I not have done that?"

Here’s a strong contender for Mother of the Year:

Montana resident Angela Parenteau, 32, was feeling under the weather and, rather than risk driving under the influence of Tylenol, she wisely let her 12-year-old daughter drive her other three younger children — ages 1, 2 and 4 — to daycare five miles away.

Well, we are talking about Montana.  It’s not like there would be any oncoming traffic during a five-mile trip.

Police were alerted by daycare employees, who saw the young girl drive up.  Probably chugging a latte with one hand, texting with the other — just like 99 percent of licensed drivers.

Parenteau reportedly told police she didn’t want to take the kids herself because she was sick and on medication.  So, obviously, she had no other choice, people!

Parenteau was cited with four counts of endangering the welfare of children and one count of allowing an unauthorized minor to operate a motor vehicle.

In Parenteau’s defense, she likely read Teen Vogue‘s article about how “12 is the New 16″ and thought her daughter COULD legally drive.  Hell, my grandma heard 80 is the new 21 and wonders why bartenders aren’t carding her.  It really is hard to keep the aging process straight anymore.

Heather Locklear — once known as the woman who could single-handedly revive any struggling TV show — has officially joined the not-so-exclusive Celebrity DUI Club.  Her welcome gift:  this lovely mugshot to be used in humiliating TMZ slideshows for years to come.

Apparently, the L’Oréal spokeswoman doesn’t use their Waterproof Volume-Building Mascara — and why not?  Because she’s not worth it™?!

Heather was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled substance — which turned out to be “prescription medication” — in Santa Barbara, where Heather was pulled over by an officer Saturday afternoon after a resident reported seeing the actress leaving a parking lot and “driving erratically.”  The officer finally tracked down Heather’s car parked on a state highway and blocking a lane.

Hey, we all like to take a mid-highway nap sometimes!

However, “in talking with her, (the officer) determined that she seemed to be under the influence of something,” so Heather was taken to the police station, where she was tested for alcohol and drugs, and recited classically bitchy “Melrose Place” lines for officers, such as:

You’re right. I did over pack. Feel free to borrow anything you can squeeze into.”

Zing!

Well, she should have.  I know I would’ve cleared her of all charges for sprinkling some Amanda Woodward goodness my way.  Besides, we all know this is Denise Richards’ fault!  Heather’s DUI… the financial crisis… all signs point to Denise, really.  Denise Richards:  It’s Censurable.

Busted.

Watch as Letterman tears into McCain harder than Drew Carey tears into a Big Mac.

In McCain’s defense, Katie does have better legs than Dave.