Police were searching cars they believed were on their way to remote Aboriginal communities where liquor is banned — which may be the REAL travesty of this story — when they found the unrestrained children unwittingly hiding the goods.

I feel terrible for the kids, but am intrigued by this new kind of Robin Hood:  taking from the drunk to give to the alcohol-poor!

During a search they found a young, unrestrained child sleeping on top of a case of beer in the backseat.  Meanwhile, a search of another car revealed a child sitting on top of a beer carton that had been covered by a blanket.

Fosters:  Australian for “car seat.”

Sergeant Conan Robertson says both children were put in unsafe situations.

“The hope has got to be that people realize that the value [of] their child is far higher than a carton of beer,” he said.

I’ll drink to that!

Last year, the same neighborhood attracted international attention after police caught a driver who had put a seatbelt around a beer carton, but left a child unrestrained.

Suddenly, I’m feeling like a much better parent.  I always restrain my baby AND my six-packs.

These two totally sober-looking individuals, Danica Wallace, 24, and Jeremy Welch, 29, were recently arrested in Ohio after the cops spotted the reportedly pantless duo having sex in a car.

But wait — there’s more!

Danica’s two small children, ages four years and 22 months, were sitting in the back while they were knocking da boots.  Something tells me the traumatized kids will ask to take the bus from now on.

Good ol’ Jeremy, described as “extremely intoxicated,” had a simple explanation for their behavior: “We got horny and just wanted to fuck!!”  (The reporting officer added the extra exclamation point for emphasis.)

Meanwhile, Mother of the Week contender Danica, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, claimed to have only consumed a 22-ounce bottle of Budweiser.

“I’m not completely drunk,” she assured police.

That’s good enough for me.   Please, continue on your way, ma’am!

Kenny G, is that you?

A mom who was fed up with her 10- and 12-year-old daughters fighting ordered them to get out of the car — and drove away.

Sounds like someone has been watching too many episodes of “Desperate Housewives.”

Of course, it’s not like the woman exactly abandoned them in Compton.  She left them in the swanky White Plains business district three miles from their home.  The report does not reveal whether the girls had cell phones or whether the frustrated mom, Madlyn Primoff, 45, a partner in a Manhattan law firm, ever returned to look for the girls.  However, police did say that the 12-year-old eventually caught up with the mother.  Meanwhile, the 10-year-old was found by a “Good Samaritan” on the street, reportedly upset and emotional about losing her mother.

Madlyn pleaded not guilty to a charge of endangering a child.  A temporary order of protection was issued, barring her from all contact with the children (Ed. note:  Seriously?), who were physically unharmed.

This is why I’m installing a camcorder in my car before Baby Girl arrives.  That way, I can use the footage as Exhibit A when I enter my insanity plea!

"Wait -- should I not have done that?"

Here’s a strong contender for Mother of the Year:

Montana resident Angela Parenteau, 32, was feeling under the weather and, rather than risk driving under the influence of Tylenol, she wisely let her 12-year-old daughter drive her other three younger children — ages 1, 2 and 4 — to daycare five miles away.

Well, we are talking about Montana.  It’s not like there would be any oncoming traffic during a five-mile trip.

Police were alerted by daycare employees, who saw the young girl drive up.  Probably chugging a latte with one hand, texting with the other — just like 99 percent of licensed drivers.

Parenteau reportedly told police she didn’t want to take the kids herself because she was sick and on medication.  So, obviously, she had no other choice, people!

Parenteau was cited with four counts of endangering the welfare of children and one count of allowing an unauthorized minor to operate a motor vehicle.

In Parenteau’s defense, she likely read Teen Vogue’s article about how “12 is the New 16″ and thought her daughter COULD legally drive.  Hell, my grandma heard 80 is the new 21 and wonders why bartenders aren’t carding her.  It really is hard to keep the aging process straight anymore.

Heather Locklear — once known as the woman who could single-handedly revive any struggling TV show — has officially joined the not-so-exclusive Celebrity DUI Club.  Her welcome gift:  this lovely mugshot to be used in humiliating TMZ slideshows for years to come.

Apparently, the L’Oréal spokeswoman doesn’t use their Waterproof Volume-Building Mascara — and why not?  Because she’s not worth it™?!

Heather was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled substance — which turned out to be “prescription medication” — in Santa Barbara, where Heather was pulled over by an officer Saturday afternoon after a resident reported seeing the actress leaving a parking lot and “driving erratically.”  The officer finally tracked down Heather’s car parked on a state highway and blocking a lane.

Hey, we all like to take a mid-highway nap sometimes!

However, “in talking with her, (the officer) determined that she seemed to be under the influence of something,” so Heather was taken to the police station, where she was tested for alcohol and drugs, and recited classically bitchy “Melrose Place” lines for officers, such as:

You’re right. I did over pack. Feel free to borrow anything you can squeeze into.”

Zing!

Well, she should have.  I know I would’ve cleared her of all charges for sprinkling some Amanda Woodward goodness my way.  Besides, we all know this is Denise Richards’ fault!  Heather’s DUI… the financial crisis… all signs point to Denise, really.  Denise Richards:  It’s Censurable.

Busted.

Watch as Letterman tears into McCain harder than Drew Carey tears into a Big Mac.

In McCain’s defense, Katie does have better legs than Dave.

Breaking news:  West Virginian Jose Cruz has been booked for unleashing an offensive gas attack on a police officer.  Yes, as in flatulence.

Police stopped the Stink Bomber in South Charleston for driving with his headlights off.  Shockingly, alcohol may have been involved because he failed sobriety tests — and was subsequently arrested.

As officers were trying to get fingerprints, police say the Stink Bomber moved closer to the officer and — you guessed it — pulled a Pepé Le Pew and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was “very strong.”  Also known in technical terms as a “beer fart.”

The Stink Bomber is now charged with DUI and battery of a police officer.  However, CandyKirby.com’s legal experts expect the defendant to use the rock-solid “But he pulled my finger…!” defense.

Oh, puh-lease.  Who hasn’t used that ol’ defense before?

Dane claims he only rented the apartment in the first place because his heroes, Belushi and Martin, once lived in the same complex, and according to the court documents filed in L.A. County Superior Court, he would suffer serious “mental and emotional” damage — and his career would crumble — if he was forced to leave.

Dane states in the documents:

“I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration.  In the same way that writers can get writer’s block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and ’stories’; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I’ve seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it’s destroyed careers.”

In related news, people living in Martha’s Vineyard have reported a minor tremor believed to be John Belushi rolling over in his grave from being the “inspiration” for Dane’s comedic efforts.

Good old-fashioned family bonding alert: Ryan O’Neal, 67, and his son Redmond, 24, were arrested on suspicion of methamphetamine possession this morning.

Somewhere, Dr. Phil has T-bone juice dribbling down his chin and is yelling at his staff, “O’Neal AND his son?  Holy shee-yit.  Get ‘em in the books!  Now where the hell’s my A-1 Sauce, goddammit?”

True story.

Los Angeles authorities said they were doing a probation search at the family’s Malibu home — Redmond’s been arrested twice before for narcotics possession — when they found meth and a vial of the drug in Ryan’s bedroom.  The father/son wonder duo is being held on $10,000 bail.

Last year, as you may remember, Ryan was arrested for attacking his 42-year-old son Griffin with a fireplace poker.  Hey, sometimes, a time-out in the corner just isn’t enough!

Man, oh, man.  I’m feeling pretty lame right about now.  The naughtiest thing my mom and I ever did was drop a “Clinton/Gore” pamphlet in our ultra-conservative neighbor’s door and run away giggling like little schoolgirls.  Needless to say, they won’t be making a Lifetime Movie of the Week about our shenanigans any time soon.

What a nice way to commemorate 9/11.

How it all went down:  A still photographer was trying to take pics of Kanye at the American Airlines terminal, so Kanye apparently confronted the photog and smashed his camera to the ground.  A TMZ paparazzo then began videotaping the scene when Kanye’s bodyguard grabbed their video camera — and threw it to the ground, breaking it.

When Kanye realized TMZ had videotaped the incident, he rushed the dude and yelled, “Gimme that f**king tape!”

Candy Kirby.com’s sources reveal Kanye is telling the po-po right now, “LET ME GO, YA DAMN FOOLS!  I’M BIGGER THAN GOD!”

EPIC ALL-CAPS BLOG POST FROM KANYE TO FOLLOW!!!111one