As you may remember from an earlier post, Ralph Lauren was under fire for the above-left ad, in which model Filippa Hamilton was airbrushed to resemble a Praying Mantis — for which Ralph Lauren has since apologized, blaming it on “poor imaging.”

Well, their image about to get a whole lot more “poor,” with the 23-year-old Filippa coming forward to reveal that, after eight years of working for them, Ralph Lauren has actually fired the 5’10″, 120-lb. model for BEING TOO FAT.

Are they kidding me? Screw Ralph and that stupid Polo horse he rode in on!

Filippa was fired in April, but decided to go public now because she was appalled to see the altered image that made her look like skin and bones.  She said she looked so “dangerously emaciated,” she was compelled to protest.

“Every young woman is going to look at [the photo] and think that it is normal to look like that — it’s not,” Filippa told “Today Show” host Ann Curry.

Unless, of course, you want to use your hip bones to slice deli meats!  Then it’s all good. Karl Lagerfeld approves.

“No one wants to see curvy women.  You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying thin models are ugly.  Fashion is about dreams and illusions.”

So… anorexic models are all that and a bag of chips, while us mothers are all fat with a bag of chips?

I’m not going to lie — I really do like my Baked Lay’s and TV.  But I can also tell you that it’s my Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not my Vogue magazine, that my husband always steals from me to “read the articles.”

Ralph Lauren’s legal team was apparently none too pleased when Boing Boing (via Photoshop Disasters) re-published this disturbing ad, threatening Boing Boing’s site host with a takedown notice.  Boing Boing refused to comply with their demands, citing that the post fell under the definition of fair use “for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting.”  (True dat.)

I guess Ralph Lauren wasn’t happy about the free “advertising!”  That’s because they’re now under the gun for promoting such a grossly distorted and unhealthy image of a woman’s body.  Here is what 23-year-old model Filippa Hamilton usually looks like:

Um, it appears RL’s photo editing team went a bit nuts with Photoshop’s “Lindsay Lohan” tool on the Blue Label jeans ad.  Hard to fathom that the ad went through a million reviews, from the advertising agency’s account team, to Ralph Lauren’s marketing gurus, to the head of Ralph Lauren, and everyone signed off on it:

“She looks AWESOME!”

No wonder 10 million American women suffer from eating disorders.  I remember a similar-looking ad inspiring Teenage Candy to go on the Frozen Yogurt-and-Chicken Sandwich diet.  A scoop of peach frozen yogurt for breakfast and a Wendy’s crispy chicken sandwich for dinner.  That’s it.  Worked, too — after an entire summer of that healthy diet, my body was ready to crumble under the weight of my massive head.

I looked AWESOME!

Okay, maybe not so awesome.  But now I AM jonesing for a crispy chicken sandwich.  Mmmmm.

The new technique has been refined in Britain as part of a 10-year study on global developments within fat grafting.  Dubbed the “two in one” operation, surgeons transfer a patient’s unwanted fat from areas such as the buttocks, thighs and stomach into the breast area.

So not only can you wear your heart on your sleeve, but now you can also wear your love handles on your chest!

The procedure will cost an estimated $13,000 when it becomes commercially available.  But, really, the looks on people’s faces when you tell them you have ass-boobs…?  Priceless.

I don’t really see what’s wrong with that.  Selecting the right pair of boots is a life-defining decision!  Right up there with religion, life partners and whether to pick “truth” or “dare.”  (TRUTH.  Always.)   It’s asking for men’s opinions that’s a big ol’ waste of time.

Choosing outfits for work, nights out, dinner parties, holidays, the gym and other activities means the average female will spend 287 days rifling through her wardrobe.  The biggest chunk of that time is used picking a kick-ass ensemble for Friday or Saturday nights out or selecting the right clothes for a vay-cay.

The study — which was based on an adult lifetime from the age of 16 to 60 — found most women will spend around 20 minutes deciding what to wear before hitting the town on a weekend night.

The study also found that, on average, women will try on two outfits each morning before coming to a final decision.  And one in two women spends 15 minutes the night before work deciding what to wear.

No worries!  I make up for that lost time by only shaving once a year!  (Says Candy as she stretches in her sleeveless shirt…)  Sex-ay.

No pressure or anything.

And it’s no wonder people have such crazy expectations these days, what with Heidi Klum walking the freakin’ Victoria’s Secret catwalk just two months after popping out her second baby and Nicole Kidman looking like she’d never carried more than a Skittle in her flat, tiny belly.

Well, for those of us who don’t have the benefit of full-time nannies, trainers, enviable metabolisms and Skittle babies, taking up to a year to gradually lose the extra baby pounds is not only fine, but HEALTHY, according to doctors at Germany’s Institute for Quality and Efficiency in Health Care.

According to the Institute, women are under too much pressure to lose weight quickly after giving birth — um, ya think? — when many need some of that extra weight to provide nourishment for the baby.

And celebrities who are slipping into their size-zero jeans within weeks of having a baby are — GASP! — not a true reflection of real life.

The Institute’s director Professor Peter Sawicki said: “Often, the extra effort women have to make to look after a new baby and breastfeed after giving birth means the kilos just melt away without effort.  But for about half of all women, the weight will not go away as quickly.”

So for those new mothers lamenting their muffin top, just relax, follow a sensible diet and build up slowly to a good exercise routine.  No need to do anything crazy — like give up chocolate.   Because that, my friends, is just no life at all.

And, of course, the most naturally beautiful wonder of all…

This fresh-faced mother and daughter.

The 49-year-old mom has only spent $71,000 on plastic surgery to maintain her natural good looks, and has passed on the gift to her daughter by buying her Botox injections for her 18th birthday to erase the “wrinkles” from her forehead.  She plans to instill her daughter with even more self-esteem by giving her a nose job and breast enlargement for her 21st birthday.  Under the nurturing hand of her mother and sharp edge of the doctor’s knife, the young lady should be blessed with total facial paralysis by the time she turns 25.

This is the stuff poetic Hallmark cards are made of!

Yay!  Good times.

The Daily Mail, which should win the Pulitzer Prize in women-bashing editorial, offers an oh-so-hysterical open letter to Julia Roberts “commending” her for daring to bare her “mummy tummy… with its crepey softness” while vacationing in Hawaii with her family last week.

Yes, this was written by a woman.  No, she doesn’t offer up a candid, perhaps even Photoshop-worsened picture of herself running after her kids in a bikini so we can have an equally good laugh at HER “mummy tummy.”

Ha, haaaaa!  Nothing funnier than busting on a mother for having a little loose skin from carrying LIFE in her womb.  Because that’s what really matters.

I think it’s about time the Daily Fail goes belly up.

P.S. — Here’s an untouched picture of Julia from that same day. For whatever it’s worth.

Thank goodness the Chinese have our backs or, um, boxes for “when stinks” — complete with handy-dandy diagrams, no less.  Can’t imagine why an agent would be necessary, however.  The copy sells itself!

[via Engrish]

Personally, I’m not too keen on my stomach looking like the New Jersey Turnpike, although I know it may be inevitable.  Much of it depends on genes, I’m sure.  It won’t be the end of the world if I’m stuck with them (being stuck at a Jessica Simpson concert would be a far worse fate), but if I can do something to minimize the scars, you can be damn sure I’m gonna do it!

My cousin, who (conveniently for me) is a labor and delivery nurse, bought me a tube of this  Erbaorganics Mommy-to-Be Stretch Mark Cream. Apparently, one of her patients used it and her skin looked “amazing.”   Thanks, cuz!  It’s too soon to say if it totally works, but at 25 weeks I don’t have any marks yet AND my skin is silky smooth.  I’m already on my second tube of the stuff.  (Got a lot of area to cover.)

Seriously, I’d even wrap myself in gypsy moth poop if someone told me it had magical anti-stretch powers.

Please note that shopping tips and suggestions are not paid for — just Candy’s general observations and ramblings — unless specified as a Sponsored Listing.