The show, which is basically the canine equivalent of Toddlers & Tiaras, proves why some dogs should get their owners spayed or neutered. At the very least, I urge these poodles to lobby Congress for stricter shear control laws.

"Not now, hon. 'Real Housewives of Tibet' is on!"

Pandas are livin’ the dream:  spending up to 16 hours a day eating, eight hours a day sleeping, and almost zero hours moving.

Sounds like my college years.

Without the help of Viagra or beer goggles, however, most male pandas in captivity would rather lie around and chew bamboo than stand up and get it on. And who can blame them, really?  Sex, like, takes work!

“The mating time is generally not so long.  Sometimes several minutes.  The shortest may be 30 seconds,” said Zhang Zhihe, director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China. “If they don’t like the female’s personality or the females don’t like the male’s personality, they won’t mate. That’s the biggest reason why in captivity the mating is difficult.”

Thirty seconds to several minutes…?  Perhaps pandas and humans aren’t so different, after all.  (Just kidding, honey!)

Pandas are known to be isolated creatures and poor breeders, and in captivity the problem may be exacerbated.  Zhihe and his team have tried a number of measures to try to cure the male panda of his woefully low libido — including showing videos of fellow pandas making love.

Yes, that’s right — PANDA PORN!

In the privacy of their own cages, captive male pandas watch the sights and sounds of love-making on TV.  And, of course, the hope is that they’ll be aroused and want to mate (and won’t simply, um, honk their own horn, if you know what I mean — and, unfortunately, I think that you do).

“We’re sure the sound of the video will stimulate the panda and the males’ interest,” Zhihe said.

Along with watching porn, pandas are doing “sexercises,” or specialized exercises to strengthen the males’ hind legs and increase their stamina.  Scientists have found that the combination of porn, exercises, and the occasional ménage à trois — I guess Pandas really DO like to swing, and not just from trees — to get young male pandas curious about sex have proved successful.

Zhihe says that more than 60 percent of his pandas are now capable of having sex on their own — up from just 25 percent twenty years ago. This “boost” is surely due to high-quality videos such as Bearly Legal 12:  Spring Break Shanghai and Divine Secrets of Ya-Ya the Panda and Her Naughty Sisterhood.

Now I’m mad at my cats — when Skye cries, all they do is put their ears back and worriedly sit outside of her door. Useless!

With thanks to Laughing Stork friend, Mark, for passing this along

This is being billed as “The Cutest Wrestling Match EVER,” but clearly, they never saw André the Giant wrestle Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Now THEY were just adorable.

"Hold still! Gotta get this French braid just right."

In a study of monkey moms and newborns that may shed fresh light on the evolutionary underpinnings of mother-child bonding, National Institutes of Health (NIH) researchers have discovered amazing similarities between how the Rhesus monkeys interact with their newborns compared to humans with theirs.

We all fawn, coo and buy them way too many bucket hats at babyGap.

Having observed more than a dozen mother-newborn macaque pairs during the first couple months of the infants’ lives, NIH scientists also documented long, fixed gazes, exaggerated facial expressions, and a lip-smacking touch that the scientists believe could indicate the evolutionary basis of what we know as a kiss.

Awwww.

Certainly preferable to the way crocodiles often interact with their babies: *CHOMP*  *CHOMP*  (Well, they need something to wash down the neighbor’s dog.)

Meet the weight-challenged finalists in Pet Fit Club, the PDSA animal charity’s annual diet competition.  The chubster in the picture, Socrates, weighs in at a whopping 22 pounds — or, um, just two more pounds than OUR chubster, Matty:

Matty’s just “big boned!”  I swear!  (Also, there is no WAY Socrates is only 22 lbs.  They must be using the same sizing system that says Sherri Shepherd is a size 6.)

*AHEM*  Anyway…

Well, okay, at least we know our cat is a monster.  Socrates’ owner, Bill Duncan, had taken him to the vet because he was “worried by his lack of get-up-and-go.”   Hmmm… whatever could be the reason?  The verdict, not surprisingly, was that he was simply too fat to move, likely because of his affinity for cheese and onion crisps.

I hear that, Socrates!

So Socrates, along with eight other weight-challenged pets, entered the Pet Fit Club competition.  With just 100 days to reach his target weight of 9.9lb, he gets two 50g helpings of prescription diet food a day — about half of what he used to eat.

His owner says:

‘When I feed him now, he scoffs it down and looks at me as if to say, ‘Where’s the rest of it?’”

Awwww.  Woe is Socrates.  But, as you can see, the results are striking:

It’s only a matter of time until Socrates dons a pair of Speedos on the cover of Us Weekly:  “SOCRATES REVEALS HIS WEIGHT LOSS SECRET!” followed by appearances in tabloid stories decrying how “Scary skinny Socrates” has become “wafer thin.”

Lindsay is going to be sooooo jealous.

“Look, Mom!  She’s giving him a piggyback ride!”

[Source]

Here to provide your daily dose of “awwwww” is Mr. Squirrel Scene-Stealer, who unexpectedly popped up in this couple’s picture and made it an instant classic.   The couple had set the timer on their camera while posing at a Canadian park and, well, I guess the squirrel heard them say “cheese!” and decided to join them for the feast.

The woman said:

“We had our camera set up on some rocks and were getting ready to take the picture when this curious little ground squirrel appeared, became intrigued with the sound of the focusing camera and popped right into our shot.”

The awesome picture was submitted to the National Geographic Web site.

“It was a once-in-a-lifetime moment.  We were laughing about this little guy for days!” she smiled.

According to The Laughing Stork’s sources, television producers are already working getting the squirrel his own reality show and recording deal.  Which shouldn’t be too hard, considering the squirrely camera lover has a bigger vocabulary and more charisma than Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian combined!

“I don’t know if it’s the way you’re fantasizing about me covered in gravy or that milk I chugged earlier, but I’m pretty sure I just pooped my diaper.”

[Source]

This poor guy’s owner had better sleep with one eye open — or else she might wake up in a revenge hamburger costume, swimming in a vat of ketchup and relish.