Welcome to He Said, She Said, a column in which The Laughing Stork’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

Strange ladies are ALWAYS flirting with my daddy and telling him that he’s “hot.”  I offered to get him a glass of water if he’s so hot, but he just laughed and told me that’s not what they mean.

I don’t like how these silly women look at Dad when he takes his shirt off at the beach.  He belongs to my mom!  What should I do?

AvaJackman@aol.com

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TO AVAJACKMAN:

DAVID:   Sorry about that.  I’ll tell my mom to cut it out.

SHILOH:  I don’t see what the big deal is.  That’s how MY mommy and daddy got together!

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

I just got a new baby sister and hate that she’s getting ALL of the attention!  It used to be all about me, me, me!  Is it okay if I just sell her to somebody else?  Maybe to those weird men with cameras who live on our sidewalk?

V-Affleck@yahoo.com
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TO V-AFFLECK:

DAVID: You’re in luck!  My mom happens to be in the market for a new baby girl.  Just let us know how much she costs, and your PayPal address.

SHILOH:  You’re complaining about ONE lousy sister?  Get a grip, girl!  When you have to deal with a whole litter of siblings fighting for your parents’ attention, then come talk to me.  I’m lucky when MY mom remembers my name!

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

My mommy used to be a big star on “Full House,” but things aren’t so great now.  Daddy says she is drinking bad stuff and doing drugs again, and she is even being sued for not paying the fees on our house.

I’m so worried.  Is there anything I can do to help her?

JodieSweetinsDaughter@comcast.net
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TO JODIESWEETINSDAUGHTER:

DAVID:   How AWFUL and embarrassing!  … Your mom was on “Full House”?

SHILOH:   Whenever we’re having a rough time, we go to our $70-million, 35-bedroom chateau in France to relax.  It’s great.  You should totally get one, too!

Welcome to He Said, She Said, a column in which The Laughing Stork’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

I’m just going to spit it up, er… out: My mom is SO embarrassing.

Sure, she’s pretty, but she also stars in Razzie-nominated movies and says things that aren’t so smart. For example, she recently thought she was being all clever when she told a reporter to “be neutral — like Sweden!” When even my six-month-old sandbox buddies know she meant to say “Switzerland.” Or is it “Twizzlerland?”

Whatever. The point is, it’s not Sweden.

How can I get Mom to keep her mouth shut? She’s totally hurting my street cred at daycare. Also, if you happen to know if there is a place called Twizzlerland, could you let me know the address? I’m a big fan of their country’s cherry licorice.

HonorWarren@aol.com

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TO HONORWARREN:

DAVID: Tell her to try talking in a British accent. My mom thinks it makes you sound smarter.

SHILOH: Puh-lease. When you have to deal with a gazillion siblings, then talk to me. Till then, just be happy your mommy doesn’t keep saying to you, “What’s your name again?”

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

Our dad keeps telling us to call him different things. One day, it’s “Diddy.” The next, it’s “P. Daddy.” Other times it’s “Act like you’re Timbaland’s kids ’cause P. Daddy needs to get him a piece of that.”

We’re so confused! How do we keep his names straight?

Diddys-Twins@yahoo.com
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TO DIDDYS-TWINS:

DAVID: Your dad sounds like an attention whore. He and my biological daddy would get along well!

SHILOH: That’s terrible. Hang in there! My parents will adopt you soon.

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

My daddy’s really rich, but I’m afraid he has a dead cat on top of his head! It scares me so much, I have nightmares of it attacking me in my bed at home.

How do I tell my daddy his hair looks like roadkill?

BarronTrump@verizon.net
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TO BARRONTRUMP:

DAVID: I’m not the best person to ask about parental honesty. Heck, my mommy still won’t tell me why she me why she used to wear cone hats on her boobies.

SHILOH: You sleep at home? That’s weird. I thought everyone slept at a different hotel every night.