(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*) 10. They have no problem passing out in strange...Read More
You know those ubiquitous “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT BLAH-BLAH MIDDLE SCHOOL” bumper stickers? Well, I was...Read More
If you, like me, are exhausted by the time you FINALLY get the kids in bed, then you’ll appreciate this clip from Jerry Seinfeld’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon last night. Skip ahead to 3:50, where Seinfeld — whose kids are 8, 10 and 13 — makes fun of the elaborate bedtime routines that us parents host for the kids every night, comparing the ridiculousness of it all to when we were kids and parents just, you know, tucked us in and turned out the lights. THE END.
Oh my, so true. Heck, sometimes my daughter even demands a dance routine as I’m heading out the door — and, even worse, I DO IT FOR HER. No pride. No pride at all.
Because when you think of celebrating a new life, you think of these words: alien chest burster, sugary sperm and a cannibal’s dream cupcake!
Oh yes, it’s that time of year again — time to inhale Thin Mints by the dozen! (Well, you can’t expect me to limit myself to only one… or seven... of those tasty suckers at a time.) Heck, a little girl was even pedaling cookies at the park this weekend, pulling out all the stops by dutifully wearing her uniform and sweetest smile while hitting up all of us sucker parents with her basket of goodies. Evil genius.
But not all Scouts are so clever in their approach, as you’ll see in our list of Top 10 Worst Girl Scout Cookie Sales Pitches:
10. Don’t worry — you’ll only have to run for three hours to burn off a box of Samoas!
9. Did Tagalongs exist when you were a Girl Scout waaaaaaaaay back when? How ’bout electricity?
8. With the money we make, our troop is going to contribute to Justin Bieber’s legal defense fund!
7. Is it just me, or do Thin Mints look like skunk pellets?
5. To be honest, I don’t care if you buy any. My mom’s guilting her colleagues into buying a TON of boxes.
4. I think it’s cool how the Do-Si-Dos match the color of Snooki’s skin.
3. With that breath, a box of Thins Mints would do you good.
2. If you buy a box of cookies, you’ll also be automatically added to the Girl Scouts’ twice-daily e-mail distribution list!
1. My dad told me to hit you up because you obviously like to inhale cookies.
#8 - “You’re serving juice boxes, too? Heck, why don’t you just let the kids SNORT sugar? Ha, haaaa!”
#7 - “It’s cute that they let us bring gifts. We always ask for donations to charity instead, but whatever. I guess you can’t spoil a child too much. Ha, haaaa!”
#6 - “Oh, face painting! Should be fun getting that paint out of their clothes. Ha, haaaa!”
#5 - “I wonder if they’ll send thank you cards THIS year. Just kidding. Ha, haaaa!”
#4 - “Funny how they scheduled the party during naptime. When the kids start going ballistic, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves. Ha, haaaa!”
#3 - “Being at this party here really makes me appreciate having a big backyard for entertaining. Ha, haaaa!”
#2 - “Looks like the birthday girl dressed herself. Ha, haaaa!”
#1 - “Seriously, though. ALL THE SUGAR. Our kids are NEVER going to go to sleep. Ha, haaaa!”
Anyone who has so much as glanced at a tabloid in the past six months knows that actor Shia LaBeouf has been acting, um, curiously lately. In fact, it seems he’s regressed into a toddler — no offense to my toddler. Some similarities I’ve noticed:
See? This is why I NEVER clean under my sofa cushions. It’s for my own safety, really.
Some news that chilled me to the core: Morgan Stanley Research reveals there is a WINE SHORTAGE, people, with global production falling five percent and worldwide consumption rising one percent. I’m no fancy mathematician or anything, but by my calculations, that means I need to stop sharing my wine. (Okay, okay, you’re right… I need to continue not sharing my wine.)
So what can you to to help during this crisis? The Laughing Stork experts share ways to pitch in:
1. Reinvent your monthly “Moms Who Need Wine” meet-up into “Moms Who Need Vodka.”
2. Plant a grape vine in loving memory of a Cabernet Sauvignon that is no longer with us.
3. Remove the wine from your Chicken and Red Wine Sauce dish to reduce your consumption of the endangered drink. Also, because killing the alcoholic content with heat is just cruel.
4. For the love of fermented grapes, do NOT waste wine by being classy and spitting it out at tastings.
5. We know you’re busy, but take a moment out of your day to let your wine know how much you love it — because you never know when it could be gone.