Barney Stinson Would Not Approve: Neil Patrick Harris and Partner Expecting Twins

Aug 14, 2010 | Filed Under: Celebrities,Pop Culture | Tags: Mo' Babies Mo' Babies

Because Twitter is the new press release, Neil Patrick Harris today Tweeted that he and his longtime partner, David Burtka, are becoming daddies:

“So, get this: David and I are expecting twins this fall. We’re super excited/nervous/thrilled. Hoping the press can respect our privacy…” (Bonus points for not declaring they are “OVER THE MOON!”)

Somewhere, Barney Stinson is shaking his head and sighing, “Dude! Why are you messing up a good thing with KIDS?”

NPH and Burtka, a chef and actor who has guest-starred on How I Met Your Mother, have been together for roughly six years. The next time we see a picture of them…? They’re going to be raising two cans of Red Bull. TWINS! Wow. Best of luck, boys.

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Candy’s TGIW Raspberry Mojito

Aug 14, 2010 | Filed Under: Food,TGIF Drinks

TGIW: Stands for Thank God It’s the Weekend. Because, clearly, I’ve missed the TGIF deadline, thanks to a one-year-old who was being ridiculously cute yesterday, thereby forcing me to play hooky and spend the entire day with her — followed by a husband who forced me to whip up a couple rounds of refreshing, rum-heavy TGIF mojitos for us (SLAVE DRIVER), after which I wasn’t exactly in, um, optimal blogging condition. But I did it all for YOU, so that I could attest to the drink’s yumminess. Which I now can. Because that’s the kind of consummate professional I am.

RASPBERRY MOJITO

INGREDIENTS

8 or so fresh mint leaves
1/2 oz. freshly squeezed lime juice
1 teaspoon superfine sugar (Mr. Candy and I like our drinks sweet, so we used two packets of Splenda that I stole, er… I mean, borrowed from Starbucks)
2-3 oz. Bacardi Razz Raspberry Rum (or just white rum will do)
2-3 oz. seltzer
4-6 fresh raspberries

INSTRUCTIONS

Place mint leaves, lime juice and sugar in a highball glass (something tall and narrow is perfect). Using the straight end of a wooden spoon, gently press on leaves to release flavor (“muddle” is the official term). We do not own a wooden spoon at Chez Candy and Mr. Candy, so I used a wooden chopstick to muddle. I kid you not. Again, consummate professional and all that.

Fill glass with ice cubes. Pour in rum. Top off with seltzer. Drop in raspberries and CHUG! Or sip, if you’re all refined like that.

Happy weekend!

2 Comments

Parenting in Zero Gravity

Aug 13, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News | Tags: Weekly News Roundup

“Could you straighten that picture while you’re up there?” [AFP]

Words that the mother of a daughter does not enjoy writing: Many girls now begin puberty at age 7, 8. [BusinessWeek]
Jennifer Aniston shoots back at Bill O’Reilly over motherhood comments, facetiously calls him Prince Charming. In response, Bill said, “Jennifer Aniston thinks I’m Prince Charming? I have three words for her: How YOU doin’?” [People]
Do these jeans make my diaper look big? The new trend of “skinny jeans” for toddlers. [WSJ]
Angelina Jolie: Shiloh “tells me what she wants to wear.” In other words, suck it, naysayers! [Us Weekly]
Safety Board tells FAA that parents should be required to buy separate seats for babies on planes. A great, safety-conscious idea… that should be immediately implemented after my baby turns two. [AOL]
Kelsey Grammer expecting his fifth child — with four different women — with a 29-year-old British flight attendant, whose father is younger than Kelsey. I’m sure this time it is true love forever! [Daily Mail]

1 Comment

Dogged by disdain

Aug 12, 2010 | Filed Under: Animals,Other Photos | Tags: Pets are wise

“Enough with the baby talk. You sound like an idiot.”

[Photo source: Unknown. Mysteriously so.]

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A mother should always be prepared

Aug 12, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Grrrr

ME: Could you please, um, move your car? Please…?

MAN IN 7-ELEVEN PARKING LOT: [BLANK STARE]

ME: [GESTURING] You’re parked too close. I can’t open my door.

MAN: Why don’t you get in the passenger side and crawl the f*ck over?

NOTE TO SELF: Load up trunk with ammunition — I mean, of course, a pile of ripe, window-ready dirty diapers — as soon as I get home for such situations in the future.

5 Comments

Donald Duck runs afowl, charged with groping woman

Aug 12, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News | Tags: Birds Gone Wild

Ducking responsibility for his actions

A woman claims that a Disney employee dressed as Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her after she sought an autograph at Epcot Center in Florida.

Also, it must be noted that Donald was not wearing pants.

After the alleged groping, Donald Duck made gestures — apparently with his snowy white hands —“indicating he had done something wrong,” according to a lawsuit filed last month by the 27-year-old woman who was visiting Epcot with her children and fiancé in May 2008 when the incident reportedly occurred.

That’s right — she was so traumatized by Donald’s grab-and-run that it took her two years to file the lawsuit. The alleged victim is suing Disney for negligence, battery, and infliction of emotional distress, and is seeking in excess of $50,000 in damages. According to the complaint, she has suffered “severe physical injury, emotional anguish and distress including, but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder” as a result of the run-in with Donald Duck. She also contends that the incident was “one of a long line of continuing, long standing, similar prior incidents” involving the groping of patrons by costumed Disney employees

Meanwhile, thousands of us parents continue to put our kids in the arms of these strangers in furry costumes. Sure, Donald may be a creepy pant-less breast molester in half of a sailor’s uniform, but think of how cute Donald and Junior’s picture will look in the family reunion slide show…! It’s all about priorities, people, priorities.

3 Comments

Dear Candy

Aug 12, 2010 | Filed Under: Advice,Candy's Column | Tags: Dear Candy

As you can imagine, I get quite a bit of feedback from fans, foes and the inebriated — much of which is even more entertaining than watching the Duggar clan — GASP! — wear shorts in public for the first time ever. Yes, if you can believe it! Among these e-mails are some seemingly serious life questions, questions that, we can all agree, I have no business answering. But, hey, complete and utter lack of knowledge has never stopped me before. So here we go…! (All are real e-mails from my in-box; however, some identities have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)

Do you trust what this woman tells you? I didn't think so.

The woman imparting her pearls of wisdom. Do you trust her advice? I didn't think so.

Dear Candy,

Love your site!

I was wondering if you had any advice. My husband and I just had our first baby. A little girl named Emma. We are planning on going back to visit our respective families for the holidays for Emma’s first Christmas. The only problem is that we live in Texas and I am from South Carolina and my husband is from Arizona. Both Grandparents want to have us for Christmas morning, but I really want to go to my parents. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Emma’s Mommy

Dear Emma’s Mommy,

Congratulations on your new arrival! Emma is a lovely name. My husband pushed hard for Emma/Emily, but once I learned he liked the name because it reminded him of a junior high crush, I said, “No freakin’ way, Jose!” True story.

There is only one fair and constructive way to solve your dilemma: rock, paper, scissors. And, if that doesn’t go your way, do not hesitate to play the “I carried that butterball in my womb for nine months” card. Its shelf-life doesn’t last forever; however, you say you just had the baby, so take advantage of it while you can.

Assuage your husband by suggesting you visit his parents for another important holiday. I hear Arizona is simply lovely over Arbor Day weekend!

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Candy,

I know you only have 1 baby, but I now have 2. A 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I know we aren’t supposed to have favorites and I love them both dearly, but my little girl is such a Momma’s girl. How do I keep from playing favorites?

Nina M.

Dear Nina M.,

I am actually an expert in this area, being both the youngest daughter and, I say with complete objectivity, the favorite child in my family. So you have come to the right place for advice!

It is important that your son not detect any favoritism; therefore, make a concerted effort to show you love him in ways that really matter — i.e., by buying him fancy electronics and allowing him to watch lots of TV.

If your son still manages to pick up on your bias, assure him this will only last until your daughter hits puberty and decides she hates you — at which point he automatically becomes top dog! That will be an exciting time for him, indeed.

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candy, Your love life is set to rock

Tired about the jokes your girlfriends make about your small equipment? Here’s the solution.

http://www.XXXXXXXX.com/

Dear Love Life Savior,

I AM tired of the “small equipment” jokes. How did you know? Women can be so cruel… but I will get the last laugh when they find out I’m set to inherit $3.5 million from a dying Russian woman named Mrs.Lyudmila Kornilina. Yes! I am! It was quite a surprise, as you can imagine, but Mrs.Lyudmila Kornilina sent me an e-mail that mistakenly landed in my spam box, letting me know she is dying of cancer and has kindly decided to donate all of her money to me just as soon as she ties up some odds and ends with my credit card.

So thank you for offering an ear to bend and a solution for my little problem, but my newfound riches will more than make up for the inadequacy, I’m sure!