As new moms, our breasts become a popular topic of conversation. Are we using them to feed our babies? They’ve gotten bigger! They’ve deflated! What on earth has HAPPENED to them, anyway? Given how much we discuss these crazy orbs, I thought I would arm us with fun facts to interject into these boob-filled chats.
(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*) 10. They have no problem passing out in strange...Read More
You know those ubiquitous “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT BLAH-BLAH MIDDLE SCHOOL” bumper stickers? Well, I was...Read More
As everyone who watched the Oscars last night knows — and even everyone who DIDN’T watch the Oscars knows — John Travolta totally butchered Idina Menzel’s name when introducing the Frozen singer last night:
Yes! “Adele Dazim!” But I think it’s pretty obvious why John messed it up so badly — he was simply using the TODDLER pronunciation of her name. Of course! Heck, toddlers have a way of hilariously mangling tons of words. Some other things John probably says, based on real-life toddler mispronunciations:
“Hey, I’m going potty! A little private-seat would be appreciated.” –John Travolta
“Mmmm! Yummy pant-cakes!” –John Travolta
“Just taking a little spin in my helipopper!” –John Travolta
“To be honest, the weave is too tight around my head-fore.” –John Travolta
“I could really go for a plate of pisketti and meatballs right now. –John Travolta
Because when you think of quality family time, you think of judging celebrities’ outfits together. Also, I should note that I did not prompt or in any other way influence my four-year-old daughter’s responses to the photos. Turns out, she is a fashion police NATURAL. (*Sniff* I’ve never been so proud.)
4-YEAR-OLD: Yes. Looks like it has butterflies on it.
MR. CANDY: Pretty dress, but washes her out.
ME: Looks like she had Britney Spears’ Toxic bodysuit made into a ballgown.
As you’re kicking Legos and fruit snack wrappers and sippy cups full of rotten milk out of your way en route to the couch, remember: at least your house doesn’t look like THIS:
#1 - I think they could really use more take-out soda cups.
#2 - Some living rooms are full of dirt. Others? Have dirt bikes.
#3 - “Hey, could you put back — oh, never mind.”
#4 - Some people like to sleep under a cozy layer of take-out boxes.
#5 - Somebody should let the boy who plays romantic guitar music that NO girl is going to want to join him in this room.
#6 - Yet another fan of the comfy take-out-container quilt.
#7 - “Sorry, boss, can’t work today because I can’t find my home office.”
#8 - Kitchen counters are the new trashcans.
#9 - Just a few (hundred) of their favorite beauty products.
A new survey by mental health professionals has revealed parents around the country are suffering from a debilitating condition called “Frozen Fatigue” — a condition that makes moms and dads feel like they are going to go ABSOLUTELY INSANE if they have to listen to the Frozen soundtrack one more freakin’ time. (Hey, I enjoyed it the first hundred times, but after that…? I actually told my four-year-old daughter that if she didn’t start using headphones, we were going to have to use her college savings to admit Mommy into a looney bin.) If you believe that you, too, may have fallen victim to this tragic condition, then you will want to familiarize yourself with the warning signs:
Robin Thicke and Paula Patton announce their separation.
I recently made the mistake of starting to watch Scandal on Netflix. As a result, I abandoned my children, husband, work and general hygiene in favor of being glued to my iPad.
But it was SO worth it.
And now that I’m caught up, I thought I’d create a helpful list in anticipation of the show’s return on February 27 — a list that helps you determine if you have a li’l Scandal addiction problem, too. Here are 10 tell-tale signs:
10. You growl at your toddler that he HAS to learn how to pee in the potty because he is a GLADIATOR, dammit!
9. You would give your life for one of Olivia’s white coats.
8. Before sharing the secret to your famous chocolate chip cookies, you sweep your house for bugs.
7. You can’t even LOOK at a power drill without clutching your genitals anymore.
6. All sexual encounters must be conducted in a closet or on the Oval Office desk.
5. When your husband spills beer on the new sofa, you cry, “WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!”
4. Before you fix the time on your parents’ microwave, you put on a white hat.
3. Accidentally double-booked two important work meetings? No problem. YOU CAN FIX THIS. YOU’RE A FIXER.
2. When the automated phone system tell you that you are out of options, you retort, “I am NEVER out of options!”
1. You find yourself creepily staring at people through conference room windows.