The Real Dancer/Housewives of Martin County
Aug 26, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Weird But True | Tags: Headline of the Day
‘Dancer/housewife’ busted after deputies see bag fall from ‘genital area’
It’s Curtains for These Bridesmaids
Aug 26, 2010 | Filed Under: Awesome Family Photos | Tags: Flower Power, Whoa
The bride’s “something borrowed”: her grandmother’s living room drapes.
Deep Thoughts by Kenzo Lee Hounsou
Aug 25, 2010 | Filed Under: Celebrities,Celebrity Spawn | Tags: Kimora Lee Simmons, Too Cute
“I’m bringing ‘The Robot’ back!”
The Family That Facebooks Together…
Aug 25, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Venn Diagram
Much has been made of parents “friending” their children on Facebook — Like, OMG, Mom posted a message calling me “hon!” – but it is important to note that parents aren’t the only family members Facebookers should worry about. No, sir. For example, you could also be friended — and this is, um TOTALLY hypothetical (*AHEM*) — by an 11-year-old niece and you think, Oh, this is nice. We can keep in closer touch now!, only your niece peruses everything you have ever posted on Facebook and it turns out you used the word “hell” in one of your wall posts last year, and had posted photos of you and your husband toasting with various intoxicating libations during your European travels, and your niece — who once looked up to you — is horrified by your surprisingly sinful ways and TATTLES on you, you bad person you, to your sister and mother and you feel so awful about corrupting this young mind that you can’t sleep for several nights and begin to censor EVERYTHING you do and write on Facebook, to the point that even 7th Heaven reruns are edgier than your Facebook musings.
SO stressful. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
I know, I know… I’m thinking the same thing. This TOTALLY calls for a Venn Diagram:
The main take-away here being, obviously, that garden gnomes are oddly arousing. (It must be the beard.)
Recipe of the Day
Aug 24, 2010 | Filed Under: Babies,Food | Tags: Tasty, Totally Sober
Forget the Ferber Method. Your baby will go to sleep, guaranteed, with the Moonshine Ritual!
The Battle of Snow Globe
Aug 24, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Musings | Tags: Hmpf, Love & Marriage
The sparkly battle lines have been drawn
You know those neighbors who still have Christmas lights hanging from the edge of their roof, and every time you drive by, you cluck to your spouse, “It’s August, for heaven’s sake. WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO TAKE DOWN THOSE FREAKING LIGHTS?”
Well, I happen to know the answer: When the responsible party — likely a married couple — decides to actually communicate about the lights. Also known as: never.
You see, Mr. Candy and I have our own version of the inappropriate Christmas lights, a perfectly lovely holiday snow globe that should have been packed away seven months ago. Being the eagle-eyed observer that I am, I realized around Easter that it was still lingering in our living room — presumably having escaped from the box also containing my wild-eyed, violin-playing Santa doll. Because no decoration could have been thrilled about sharing such tight quarters with THAT creepy guy for eleven straight months.
WHAT I SAID TO MR. CANDY: “Why is this snow globe still in here?”
WHAT I WANTED HIM TO HEAR: “You were supposed to take this down to storage months ago. Please do so now.”
WHAT MR. CANDY SAID IN RESPONSE: “Dunno.”
WHAT MR. CANDY WANTED ME TO HEAR: “I have no idea what you just said. Can’t you see I’m trying to watch the Sixers game here, woman?”
Both of us emerged from this exchange, satisfied that we were on the same page. After all, we had made our feelings crystal clear! Only, strangely, something got lost in translation. Because the snow globe remained in our house. And I “innocently” changed the channel from the basketball game to E! News Daily that day.
Weird, right?
And it only gets weirder. No matter how many times I ask, Why is this snow globe still in here?, and regardless of how many accusatory glances I shoot his way while standing next to the snow globe, MR. CANDY DOES NOT TAKE THE SNOW GLOBE TO OUR STORAGE SHED.
It’s like I need to ask him to take it to storage or something. I just don’t get it.
I’ve even tried putting the offending decoration on top of my box of maternity clothes, in hopes that bundling them would inspire Mr. Candy to finally give in, and carry the box AND the snow globe down to the garage. He kindly put away the box of clothes — and left the snow globe on our coffee table.
Oh, this was war. And, believe you me, I let him know so:
“Why is this snow globe on the coffee table?” I asked, eyebrow arched menacingly.
“Dunno,” Mr. Candy shrugged, thinking to himself, “What is it with her and the snow globe? And that eyebrow thing — does that mean she wants sex now? WOO-HOO!”
Sure, I could have taken the thing down to storage myself. But that would be admitting defeat! So I exercised the only other rational option — and placed the snow globe in various prominent spots around the house, going as far as to rearrange our console table to showcase the damn thing, believing that the very SIGHT of the Christmas decoration in July would be enough to push Mr. Candy over the edge.
WHAT I THINK WHEN I SEE THE DAMN THING: “Gah! Eyesore!”
WHAT MR. CANDY THINKS: “You know, if we got rid of that table, we’d have room for a bigger TV.”
Needless to say, the snow globe still resides in our house and will no doubt remain here until Christmas. Once the New Year rolls around, I’m going to settle this “battle” once and for all… and dump it in the plastic Jack-o-Lantern outside our door.
Bethenny Frankel and Bryn Catch Some Rays & Zzzzzs
Aug 23, 2010 | Filed Under: Celebrity Spawn,Pop Culture | Tags: Bethenny Frankel, Bryn Hoppy
Awwww. Coincidentally, this is what I look like after too many Skinny Girl margaritas.
Father Punishes Daughter by Forcing Her to Spend Time with Neighbors’ Kids
Aug 23, 2010 | Filed Under: Teens,Weird But True | Tags: Precious Youth
When 16-year-old Texan, Kirstin Rausch, got in trouble for throwing a late-night party (while her parents were upstairs sleeping… wise idea!), her parents came up with an unusual punishment: 30 hours of free babysitting, complete with an advertisement in the local newspaper:
Want a free babysitter for a night out? Under Kirstin’s picture, it said: I’m in BIG trouble for missing my curfew, and my parents are making me provide 30 hours of free babysitting as punishment. My pain is your gain, so call.
Because, you know, who WOULDNT want a resentful, party-throwing teenager watching their precious bundles of joy!
If Skye ever pulls this kind of shenanigan*, I’m going to punish her with a frightening deterrent. Like forcing her to watch the home movies of me playing with the Harrisburg Youth Symphony on repeat. Or sampling my bi-annual attempt at cooking.
*Just WRITING that word added twenty years to my life
