Simon Cowell is Having a Baby! With, um, His Friend’s Wife!

simon-cowell-baby-mamaOh, Simon.

The 53-year-old media mogul, who is not exactly known for his nurturing and paternal ways, is indeed having a baby with his “close” friend Andrew Silverman’s estranged wife Lauren (pictured on the right, vacationing with Simon AND Andrew on a yacht last year).  And now Lauren, who is about 10 weeks pregnant, plans to permanently end things with Andrew to be with her baby daddy.  Yup — a storyline straight out of one of the scripts I used to write for The Bold and the Beautiful!  Only we would have further complicated the situation with a paternity triangle and a horrific car crash.  But, for real life, this story is still pretty darn juicy.

Simon has gone on record many times about having NO desire for kids, saying things like:  “God, no. I couldn’t have children.  With kids, you’ve got a routine you can’t escape from.”  Which is true!  But alas…

A peek into the future life of Simon Jr.:

SIMON JR:  “The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round…”

SIMON:  “Years ago I sat on two cats and that’s what it sounded like. It was painful.”

I’m just looking forward to seeing spit-up stains on those tight black shirts of his.  Welcome to parenthood, Simon!

 

The Laughing Stork Launches New Parenting Magazine!

If there is one thing that parents need — well, okay, BESIDES eyes in the back of their heads, an additional set of arms and more vodka in their liquor cabinets — it is yet another parenting magazine.  Also:  More exclamation points.  Which is why we have launched Parent This! — a questionable guide to parenthood that likely will not earn its followers a hug of approval from Dr. Phil.  (Thus why you may want to read it.)

Guess Who Said It: Quotes from Celebrity Parents

Oh, celebrities just say the darndest things, don’t they?  And celebrity parents are no exception.  Guess the famous folks who spouted these parental pearls of wisdom…

1.  “Last night [my son] told me that my nipples looked like blueberries.  And then he corrected himself and said, ‘No Mommy, actually, they look like meatballs.’”

Was it…

a. Heidi Klum
b. Rosie O’Donnell
c. Tori Spelling
d. Amy Poehler

[ANSWER]

2. “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kids’ therapy.”

Was it…

a. Jessica Alba
b. Meryl Streep
c. Neil Patrick Harris
d. Michelle Pfeiffer

[ANSWER]

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Because What is a Royal Birth Without a Royal Baby Cocktail?

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I’ve let my cocktail recipe column languish for way too long — and what better reason to re-launch it than the birth of PRINCE GEORGE?!  (And I say that without an ounce of sarcasm.  For once.  I know it’s cooler to act indifferent and Tweet jokes like, “Rich people have babies every day.  Where is THEIR parade?!” but the fact is, I have an unabashed crush on Kate and William.  Her hair — so shiny!  His — quickly receding, but he makes endearing jokes about it!  Prince George — so princely and snuggly!)  I love me some young, relatively down-to-earth royals and we all know I love me some end-of-the week libations, so it only makes sense I would celebrate tonight with a ROYAL BABY COCKTAIL!

Of course, I am not the only one who thought a royal baby cocktail was in order.  But all of the recipes I scanned suggested rather bitter liqueurs — which seems more appropriate for, say, the Queen on the anniversary of Harry’s Vegas photos leaking — and, given Kate, William and George have injected a breath of fresh air into that otherwise stodgy palace, I thought a fresh and sweet cocktail would be a better choice.  So I present to you…

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Submit a Funny Baby Picture!

The most popular and visited part of The Laughing Stork is, by far, the funny baby pictures — with many readers searching for a much-needed giggle and some even arriving here by googling, “Where can I submit my baby photo?!” — so we would like to encourage y’all to send your funny photographs our way, whether they’re babies, kids, pets, grandparents, weird toys, what-have-you.  A few of you have submitted pictures recently and the photos did not upload (sorry ’bout that, Meggy and Katie, please resubmit!), so we have installed a new submission form that is easier to use, hopefully.  Let’s make The Laughing Stork a community of family hilarity — submit your silly pictures now!

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Just go to THIS PAGE...upload the picture, your suggested caption, any other info, and voilà!  You have just contributed to the laughter ’round here.  Looking forward to seeing what silliness abounds at YOUR house!