Heidi Klum and Seal Having Yet Another Baby in Quest for World Domination
Apr 15, 2009 | Filed Under: Celebrities,Celebrity Spawn,Pop Culture,Style | Tags: Heidi Klum, Seal
Look out, Brangelina — Heidi Klum and Seal are catchin’ up to ya!
Sources confirm that the model-mogul is expecting her fourth child with music-man hubby and super-sperminator Seal. The couple already has two sons together, Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, 3, and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel, 2 — both of whom may have the longest names EVER. Seal is also the adoptive father of Heidi’s daughter, Helene “Leni” Klum (who turns 5 next month), whom she had with Italian businessman Flavio Briatore… a man who clearly deserves the “Father of the Decade” award.
Heidi is apparently almost four months pregnant.
Four kids under the age of five… I became tired just TYPING that sentence.
Congrats, you crazy kids!
Dear Candy: Feedback from Readers
Apr 15, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Dear Candy, Reader Letters
As you can imagine, I get quite a bit of feedback from fans, foes and the inebriated — much of which is even MORE entertaining than watching the Duggar clan — GASP! — meet their idol Kirk Cameron for the first time. Yes, if you can believe it! I’ve already received a few gems since “officially” launching The Laughing Stork and realized it was rather selfish of me to keep them to myself. So I’ve decided to share this wealth of goodies with you. (All are real; however, identities have been removed to protect the not-so-innocent.)
Dear Candy,
…i wish you the best but pregnancy and children generally are a horrible depressing business to me. I have flashbacks of my mum yelling at me, my brother being nasty and my baby sister screaming, screaming, screaming. Why would anyone choose to do that? At the best of times it looks a helluva lot like slavery. I’ve got my cat and turtle and lovely husband and sorry, it just ain’t funny to me and i don’t wanna know.
Dear Ray of Sunshine,
Have you ever considered a career in Hallmark’s Baby Shower copywriting division? I sense a real talent for evoking warmth and sentimentality with your words!
xoxo,
Candy the Slave
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Dear Candy,
How did you steal george clooneys semen?
Dear Celebrity Semen Patrolman:
A little sweet-talking — and one big roofie-tini.
xoxo,
Candy Clooney
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Dear Candy,
money grabbing narcissist? are you talking about yourself with your image in the top corner and taking payment for advertisements on your site?
Dear Perceptive One,
Why, yes, I AM! Now, please excuse me as I go roll around in my millions and watch myself do so in the mirror…
xoxo,
Candy, the Greatest and Richest Blogger IN THE UNIVERSE
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Dear Candy,
iam looking for pix of black savannah goergia milfs for my wall.
Dear Serious Art Collector,
Join the club, buddy. Join the club.
Yet Another Creepy Burger King Ad: SpongeBob’s Got Back
Apr 15, 2009 | Filed Under: Advertising,Celebrity Spawn,Pop Culture | Tags: Burger King, Creepy, SpongeBob
I’m a huge fan of Burger King’s french fries. But their ads…? Not so much.
Seriously. That Burger King they use in their commercials haunts me in my dreams. Looks more like a bank robber or serial killer than a cool dude I want DJ’ing my parties, as they try to portray. Unless, of course, I want all of my guests to end up DEAD!
But I digress.
Parents are reportedly none-too-pleased about SpongeBob popping up last week in a Burger King kids meal commercial, in which rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot proclaims “Booty is booty” and a bevy of beauties with rectangular asses gyrate for the camera. Their bottoms also were measured by the Burger King character. Probably to see if they’d fit IN HIS DUNGEON OF DEATH!
Again, with the digression. My apologies.
The spot, which alters music from the rapper’s 1992 “Baby Got Back” song — one of my old faves, I must admit — to say “I like square butts,” began airing during the NCAA basketball championship game last week. Complaints from parents followed shortly, according to the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which is leading a letter-writing effort against the ads.
“Associating a cartoon character who is wildly popular with young children with this kind of objectification of women and looking at and talking about their body parts, this is really a new low,” said Josh Golin, the group’s associate director.
However, Burger King claims the ads are targeted toward adults… which is why they used SpongeBob to push a kids’ meal? Interesting, um, strategy. Methinks the BK Marketing Department got slashed due to budget cuts — or due to a VISIT FROM THE BURGER KING!
No, I really can’t let it go. He freaks me out, man!
Jamie Foxx Bravely Attacks 16-Year-Old Miley Cyrus on Radio Show
Apr 15, 2009 | Filed Under: Celebrities,Pop Culture | Tags: Dumbasses, Jamie Foxx
If there’s one thing that always endears me to a man, it’s when he has enough guts to get behind the closed doors of a radio station and attack a teenage girl’s looks. Mmmm… sexy.
So, naturally, I am swooning over 41-year-old Jamie Foxx, who called Miley Cyrus “the one with all them gums” on his Sirius Satellite radio show, adding that, ” She need to get a gum transplant!” Sweet.
The weird tirade against Miley was prompted when a caller brought up her silly feud with Radiohead. Jamie seemed to take personal offense that someone like Miley would even be mentioned in the same breath as Radiohead, so to put her in her proper place, he told her to “Go and make a sex-tape witch yo daddy!” “Go and catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat!” “Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin!” “Do like Lindsay Lohan … and get some crack in your pipe…. That’s what I want.”
Jamie, whose movie “The Soloist” is released next weekend, clearly had visions of a lost Oscar nomination dancing in his head and offered an apology on Leno last night, claiming he’s just a comedian trying to make funny jokes. Ha, haaaaaa!
Hmmmm… given his just-plain-stupid remarks, I’m not sure he needs to apologize to Miley so much as he needs to apologize to the comedy community. … “Comedian?” …”Funny?” Now THAT’s offensive.
News Flash: Kids Ain’t Cheap
Apr 15, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News | Tags: Kids Ain't Cheap, Money
Here is some news I wish I’d gotten, oh, six months ago: Parents spend an average of $41,000 on their children before they (*GULP*) reach the age of three, reveals a Gurgle.com survey of 3,000 mothers.
Well, heck. If I’d known this, I would have just adopted a four-year-old.
Two-thirds of that amount is spent before the youngsters’ first birthday, with expectant mothers spending an average of $6,000 — including $150 on clothes and $4,500 on nursery furniture — on the unborn baby.
[CANDY SURVEYS HER NURSERY FURNITURE BILL AND BOX OF 20 BABY OUTFITS]
Yeah, that sounds about right. Except… only $150? Really? Uh-oh.
This is why we need to lobby Congress to change those ridiculous child labor laws. Gotta put these kids to work to help pay the bills, dammit!
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Live-Blogging “The Real Housewives of New York”
Apr 14, 2009 | Filed Under: Pop Culture,Television | Tags: Live Blogging, Real Housewives of New York
:02 — Mario berates Jill about last week’s joke of a tennis match. “Jill, Jill, Jill!” he scolds in an octave so high, I could swear Jill’s gay friend Brad is squeezing his balls. Mario implores Jill to “trust” him to pick a tennis partner for her next time.
As if anyone would trust a guy with THAT hair.
:04 — Bethenny wants to amend Ramona’s “Cosmo Dating Rules” to include this pearl of wisdom: “Think of my vagina as a vase; if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers.” Oh honey, the bloom fell off that rose a long time ago.
:05 – Lame request for coochie carnations aside, I’ve gotta hand it to Bethenny: she does one hell of an impression of Kelly.
:06 — Omigod. Kelly is dating Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast!”
:08 — Ramona is developing a skincare line, brags that she has been using skin cream for years — and knows that’s why she looks good for her “chronological age.” Um, I guess that’s opposed to the age she tells people, which conveniently goes backward.
:09 — Ramona goes on to say she hasn’t been thrilled with any of the skin products out there, which is why she worked with a “fabulous” chemist to develop a new formula. And yet it’s supposedly because of those very products that she “looks so good for her chronological age?” Crazy Eyes needs to get her story straight.
:11 — Bethenny goes to an A&P in Greenwich to promote her line of SkinnyGirl goodies. Free cupcakes and muffins! Which… nobody at the store wants. What the hell is wrong with these people? I’m a total sample whore. Free cupcakes? Free cheese? Free motor oil? I’ll eat it!
:18 — The Countess thinks she has a lot to impart to readers in her new book about manners. Says she really wants to reprimand people who talk too much… as she jabbers on and on and on….
:26 — Kelly raves that one of best things about NY is running with the taxis. Yeah, I’m sure they just love that, too. But I can’t deny it: her legs are sick. Too bad they’re about to get run over in 3…2…
:31 — Ever mindful of people suffering in this economy, Jill is thoughtfully “going moderate” for her birthday this year. So she’s only treating herself to a $16,000 bag! A real altruist, this one.
:34 — Countess goes to the publisher to discuss her book. She (once again) take a moment to revel in her “Countess” title, says meeting the Count was “a dream.”
*HAPPY SIGH* Her divorce announcement truly could not have come at a better time.
:35 — Traditional Home magazine comes to Jill’s apartment to shoot the new, seemingly Liberace-inspired interior design. “It’s a real honor,” says Jill. Right on cue, Ginger poops on the carpet.
:37 — Jill jokingly asks reporter if they flew to NY in a “PP” — which apparently means “personal plane.” PP! Ha! … Get it? Yeah, me neither. However, Jill doubles over in laughter and thinks she’s hilarious: “A little humor… that’s who Jill Zarin is. I’m funny.”
:38 — Jill Zarin is also a cross between Joy Behar and Baby from “Dirty Dancing.”
:42 — Ramona tells Bethenny the only reason Jill is nice to her is because she’s “the underdog.” “You’re struggling, you need help — and she likes that.”
“Whatchoo talkin’ about, Ramona?”
:48 — Bobby surprises Jill with a new Mercedes SUV. Wow. Jill is thrilled!
:49 — Turns out, the vehicle doesn’t work with the iPhone, only an iPod. Jill hates it!
:51 — Simon surprises Alex for her birthday with a limo, flowers and jewelry…
:53 — The limo driver takes the wrong path and Simon doesn’t overreact AT ALL: “Your surprise is fucking ruined! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” That surprise…? Uh, they’re going home to have birthday cupcakes. Simon continues: “Your surprise. RUINED! Fuck!”
My sentiments exactly.
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The Perils of Writing a Column
Apr 14, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Love & Marriage, Mr. Candy
Between you and me, I felt rather good about myself in my Easter Sunday dress. Form-fitting enough to really showcase my bump, but also cute enough to make me feel like a stylish mama. No small feat six months into pregnancy.
I bounced — okay, waddled — down the stairs, prepared to welcome the compliments my husband surely would heap on me. Instead I was greeted by silence, a silence broken only by the tap-tap-tap of Mr. Candy’s fingers playing his favorite computer addiction, er… game. I, with absolutely no pride, made a point of “casually” hanging out by the TV, a place I knew his eyes would eventually land.
And… succcess! A wide smile crossed my hubby’s face.
“My shirt is perfect for Easter, isn’t it?” he asked, clearly impressed with himself.
Was this guy serious?
“Yeah. Perfect.”
I continued to stand there, waiting. La-di-da. Now, I am not usually the kind of woman who seeks validation. The words “How does this make me look” have rarely, if ever, escaped my lips. But I AM A HORMONAL PREGNANT LADY WHOSE BODY IS CHANGING EVERY DAY, DAMMIT! It’s a weird thing to deal with. Wonderful, but weird. Just throw a few scraps of praise my way, please. Please? Sincerity not required. I even tried to help him out:
“My pink ribbon is very Easter-like, too, don’t you think?”
“Yes — AND you’re shaped like an Easter egg!”
Oh yes, he did. Followed by a guffaw. So I did the only thing I could, and scorched an Easter egg-sized hole into Mr. Candy’s head with my no-fail Laser Stare of Death.
“I’m kidding!” he insisted. “I just say these things for your column!”
Yeah, mmm-hmmm. Actually, my hubby is a kindhearted goofball and self-professed “laugh slut,” so I was inclined to believe him. Not laugh, but believe. However, it dawned on me that this column has — oy — bestowed Mr. Candy with a free pass to passively-aggressively lob insults and claim immunity because he’s “just helping me do my job.” I processed this development, thoughtfully rubbing my big belly, and said to myself:
“Huh. That’s pretty damn clever. Well-played, Mr. Candy. Well-played, indeed.”
That is, until this Easter Egg cracks!
Nadya Suleman Brings Last Octuplet Home, But Still Missing a Screw
Apr 14, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News | Tags: Nadya Suleman, OctoMom
The last of Nadya Suleman’s brood has come home, as the remaining octuplet Jonah was released from the hospital last night.
“I’m just happy to have my meal ticket with me, where he belongs,” Nadya smiled creepily. “By the way, have you seen my life partner Brad Pitt anywhere?”
No, I kid! She actually didn’t say that… out loud.
On a less disturbing note, Jonah is getting much healthier; he weighed just 1 pound, 8 ounces at birth — about the size of my little one at only 25 weeks pregnant! — and hospital officials say he now weighs 4 pounds, 10 ounces and is able to bottle feed. A miracle, indeed.
Jonah joins siblings Isaiah, Noah, Nariah, Maliah, Macai and Jeremiah (the six pictured) and Josiah.
The Laughing Stork sources say Nadya is considering changing her name to Dementiah match the octuplets’ naming theme.
