(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*) 10. They have no problem passing out in strange...Read More
You know those ubiquitous “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT BLAH-BLAH MIDDLE SCHOOL” bumper stickers? Well, I was...Read More
Facebook has hooked hundreds of millions of people as users, with many of them addicted to the social networking site — will your child be next? (CUE THE DATELINE THEME MUSIC.) To help parents stay on top of this time-sucking addiction, The Laughing Stork has identified five early warning signs that a child may, indeed, be a future Facebook addict.
(With thanks to Michael Patrick of Funsized Comics for the illustrations)
Of course, not all of us can pull it off with such aplomb.
An eerily accurate portrayal of my son’s behavior lately…
Once in a lifetime comes a parenting blog with photographs so touching, it makes your ovaries ache. This is not that blog.
Mr. Candy and I agree that this picture captures 99% of parenting a preschooler:
- One (1) preschooler clearly faking-slash-exaggerating the “wrong” being forced upon her (in this instance, me handing her off to her father — the horror!)
- One (1) weary mom
- One (1) dad trying to suppress his irritation about this all-too-familiar scenario
- The audio of the preschooler yelling “Poopy!” or “Booger!” Because our preschooler likes to interject them into most all conversations, especially when we’re at a venue such as a church.
On the bright side, the photographer also managed to capture one of our best family photos to date (not shown here, obviously). And isn’t that why we really attend family weddings — to take advantage of their professional photographers?
It’s no secret that most people on Twitter are narcissistic — we spend more time looking to see if people have favorited our Tweets than actually reading other people’s Tweets — and what could be more narcissistic than posting your Tweets on YOUR OWN BLOG? Not much, I tell ya. But here I go anyway — shamelessly slapping up some of my recent Tweets about Pinterest, parenthood and, of course, ice cream truck thieves:
Not that I’m talking about my husband, of course. Just some husbands. In general. Yeah, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I recently came across an article titled “You might be an L.A. Mom If” — and, being an L.A. mom myself, I clicked on it out of curiosity and the hope I would get a few chuckles out of it. It turned out to be more insulting than funny; one of the signs was that your nanny’s nanny needs a vacation because she’s getting a facelift (or something like that), which led me to wonder: Is that how the world views us Los Angeles moms? As if we’re all Kardashian sisters? If so, I TOTALLY blame Ryan Seacrest (he’s the one who put those creatures on the air, after all). Also, I want to be the one to clear something up: I am NOT a Kardashian, although Kandy Kardashian really does have a ring to it. I don’t even have a single nanny, let alone a nanny’s nanny with an apparently sagging face. However, I will admit that Los Angeles moms do have certain quirks. Quirks I’ve listed here for your entertainment:
You Might Be an L.A. Mom If…
- You’ve ever traveled to the East Coast during winter and muttered expletives because you can’t figure out how to secure a kid in a car seat with such a “HUGE F*CKING COAT ON! OH MY GOD, HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?!”
- Your child was not allowed to play outside at preschool today because the temperature had dipped all the way down to 55 degrees!
- Your child was not allowed to play outside at preschool today because the temperature had soared to a potentially life-threatening 85 degrees!
- A sales associate at the children’s clothing store tells you, “Sorry, I’ll be right back. I have to let Denise Richards in through the back door to avoid the paparazzi.” (True story.)
The 53-year-old media mogul, who is not exactly known for his nurturing and paternal ways, is indeed having a baby with his “close” friend Andrew Silverman’s estranged wife Lauren (pictured on the right, vacationing with Simon AND Andrew on a yacht last year). And now Lauren, who is about 10 weeks pregnant, plans to permanently end things with Andrew to be with her baby daddy. Yup — a storyline straight out of one of the scripts I used to write for The Bold and the Beautiful! Only we would have further complicated the situation with a paternity triangle and a horrific car crash. But, for real life, this story is still pretty darn juicy.
Simon has gone on record many times about having NO desire for kids, saying things like: “God, no. I couldn’t have children. With kids, you’ve got a routine you can’t escape from.” Which is true! But alas…
A peek into the future life of Simon Jr.:
SIMON JR: “The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round…”
SIMON: “Years ago I sat on two cats and that’s what it sounded like. It was painful.”
I’m just looking forward to seeing spit-up stains on those tight black shirts of his. Welcome to parenthood, Simon!
If there is one thing that parents need — well, okay, BESIDES eyes in the back of their heads, an additional set of arms and more vodka in their liquor cabinets — it is yet another parenting magazine. Also: More exclamation points. Which is why we have launched Parent This! — a questionable guide to parenthood that likely will not earn its followers a hug of approval from Dr. Phil. (Thus why you may want to read it.)
Oh, celebrities just say the darndest things, don’t they? And celebrity parents are no exception. Guess the famous folks who spouted these parental pearls of wisdom…
1. “Last night [my son] told me that my nipples looked like blueberries. And then he corrected himself and said, ‘No Mommy, actually, they look like meatballs.’”
a. Heidi Klum
b. Rosie O’Donnell
c. Tori Spelling
d. Amy Poehler
2. “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kids’ therapy.”
a. Jessica Alba
b. Meryl Streep
c. Neil Patrick Harris
d. Michelle Pfeiffer
An original comic by Laughing Stork reader Michael Patrick. Check out more of his parenting cartoons here!