Jason Biggs is Proud of His, Um, “Abundantly Endowed” Fetus

I remember when Mr. Candy and I found out we were having a girl the first time ’round.  A beautiful memory, really, with the doctor proclaiming, “Wow, look at that pronounced labia!”  I mean, what parent wouldn’t be proud of her fetus’s pronounced labia?  And, as Jason Biggs tells Conan O’Brien, he is similarly brimming with pride after witnessing his baby boy’s ultrasound:

jason-biggs-ultrasound

An enviable reputation to impart to your unborn son.  Well-played, dad.  Well-played, indeed.

via Team Coco

The Laughing Stork’s In-Depth Investigation Reveals… The Top 25 Celebrity DILFs

Sometimes my job as a family and parenting columnist involves tremendously hard work — and no feature has demanded more of my dedication than this one, “The Top 25 Celebrity DILFs” (Dads I Like to, um… Fantasize About; yeah, that’s the ticket), requiring me to stay up late at night googling “hot celebrity dads” and eyeballing dozens upon dozens of pictures of David Beckham without his shirt on.

Yes, it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.

Here it is, the product of my sweat, blood and drool: a gallery of 25 celebrity DILFS, complete with their family low-down, DILF-able (totally a word, don’t even bother looking it up) qualities and, for your fantasy purposes, what I imagine their O-faces must look like.  (Oh yes, I went there.)

By the way, if you think I’ve overlooked any worthy celebrity DILFs — and I’m sure many of you will — feel free to give them a shout-out in the comments section.  Perhaps I’ll add them to the DILF gallery and make this an ongoing feature.  Again, that’s just how dedicated I am.

Celebrity DILFs Gallery>>

Top 10 Things My Parents Taught Me

Important life lessons that I will, no doubt, pass down to my daughter and son…

10.  Medicine:  1)  “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way!”  2)  If you don’t stop cracking your knuckles, you’re going to get arthritis.  Or worse — big knuckles!”  BONUS (courtesy of my dad):  “If you don’t drink more water, your insides are going to shrivel up and they’re going to have to cut you open!”

9.  Poetry:  “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.”

8.  Suspense:  “Can you guess what I found in your closet today?”

7.  Optimism:  “You are going to enjoy yourself at that Girl Scout Camp you begged to go to, or I am going to hit you upside the head.”

6.  Finance:  “Turn off the lights.  We don’t own stock in the electric company.”

5.  Entomology:  “Keep your mouth open like that, and you’re going to catch bugs.”

4.  Genealogy:  “I’m not Sarah’s mother.  I’m YOUR mother.”

3.  Culinary Arts:  “How would you like a knuckle sandwich?”

2.  Realism:  “Be good. But if you can’t be good, be careful.”

1.  Justice:  “If you ever have kids, I hope they act just like you.”

Breaking: The Food Network Thinks We’re a Bunch of Culinary Morons

I admittedly am a domestic idiot, especially when it comes to cooking — our oven recently started smoking in protest after I turned it to “broil” for the first time in our seven years together — but even I had to snicker (oh yes, there was snickering!) when I came across this recipe for FROZEN GRAPES on the Food Network’s Web site:

food-network-frozen-grapes

Stay tuned for next week’s sure-to-impress recipes, when the Food Network shares the secret to preparing “peeled oranges” and “The Perfect Pitcher of Water!”

End-of-Week Celebrity News Update: Beyonce’s Hair, Jimmy Fallon’s Baby and Kourtney Kardashian’s Paternity Woes

kourtney-babydaddy

Model Michael Girgenti files a paternity lawsuit against Kourtney Kardashian, claiming three-year-old Mason is his child from a fling with the oldest Kardashian sister
*GASP!*  To find out what the DNA test reveals, tune into this season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ Baby Daddies!

vince-vaughn-kyla
Vince Vaughn and his wife, Kyla, welcome a new son named Vernon Lindsay Vaughn
Welcome to the alliterative names club, Vernon Vaughn! — Laughing Stork publisher, Candy Kirby

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Apocalypse Mom

Okay, this reader submission is AWESOME:

zombie-babybump

Lest you wonder why anybody would do this, I’ll let Laughing Stork reader and mom, Sarah, explain:  “I’m a special effects makeup artist. I guess you can say Halloween in my family is a pretty big deal ;)”

Something tells me the face painting booth at her kid’s birthday parties is going to be popular, too.

This Costume is for the Birds

Flamingo

Species:  Flamingo-Baby (P. adorableus)
Location:  Pack-n-Plays; Parks; J.C. Penney Portrait Studios

Easily identified by what zoologists call “pinch-able chubby-wubby cheeks,” flamingo-babies often crawl on their hands and feet, scavenging for lint balls and other inappropriate items on the floor to put in their mouth. The reason for this behavior is not fully understood, but many suggest that the flamingo-baby likes to keep its parents on their toes, and cause them undue anxiety and distress.  As well as making a beeline for electrical outlets, flamingo-babies are known to hold on to the top of their crib and wail until a parent (P. sucker) retrieves them — immediately putting a smile on the flamingo-baby’s face.

[Photo Source]

Win $20,000 Towards Your Children’s Education with a Funny Story About Feeding ‘Em

As you may remember, I recently participated in Happy Family’s Stories from the Bright Side campaign, for which I talked about my daughter’s grocery store road rage, among other interesting habits:

Well, the Bright Side campaign is about more than treating us to a few giggles and raising awareness about their healthy snacks, Happy Family is also offering you the opportunity to enter your OWN stories for a chance to win $20,000 toward your children’s education.  I know we all have funny stories about feeding our kids, or eating with our kids in public (oy), or going food shopping with our kids, or all the above, so why not parlay those experiences into some cash-money for college? Stories are accepted in the form of videos, as well as written stories and images, depicting personal experiences in getting little ones to eat healthy foods. The campaign will run through August 31, 2013, with all submissions evaluated by a panel of judges from Happy Family to determine the winning entry.  You can submit your crazy tale on their Facebook page.

Then one day, as you’re hugging your new college graduate, you can throw a loving arm around her shoulders and declare:  “I’m so glad you dumped gravy on your head twenty years ago.”

May this be you!  Best of luck, folks.