Top 5 Lamest Excuses for Throwing Your Kid’s Artwork in the Trash

trashcanEver get caught throwing your kid’s artwork in the trash?  Yeah, me, too.  And my four-year-old, not entirely grasping that it would take a storage shed the size of Portugal to house all of her daily artwork, was NOT happy about finding her drawing of a sun underneath a pile of spaghetti sauce (and had no qualms about reaching in there and yanking it out, thankyouverymuch).  I don’t remember exactly what I said when I was confronted, but it may have been along the lines of “Hmmmm.  I wonder if your brother put it in there.”

Lame, I know.  And here five other excuses I considered that might be even lamer:

5. “Oh, honey, that’s not the trash.  It’s ART HEAVEN!”

4.  “No, I didn’t throw it out.  I just wanted to see if you could find where I hid it.  YOU WIN!”

3.  “What — you don’t like it?  I thought piling cat litter on top of the drawing added a certain grittiness.”

2.  “I bet the ceiling fan blew it in there.  If we had one.”

1.  “I’m not sure how your art got in there, but I can’t believe you just reached into that filthy trash to get it out.  Go to the bathroom to clean your hands right now, young lady, and DO NOT COME BACK UNTIL YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THIS EVER HAPPENED, DO YOU HEAR ME?!”

Today’s Top News in Two Sentences or Less

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Apple announces September 20th release date for iPhone 5S and iPhone 5C, which come in various colors and with a fingerprint sensor
“Just what I wanted!  A gold phone to match my grills!” –Madonna

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Gwen Stefani reportedly pregnant with baby #3 at 43
In related news, sales of pediatric hair dye expected to rise in nine months

A dramatic rise in kids swallowing powerful (and potentially fatal) magnets
Well, that’s ONE way to prevent your parents from hanging your report card on the fridge

cliff

Woman pushes husband off cliff after one week of marriage
Ugh.  A simple “I don’t” would have sufficed.

Mario Lopez and Courtney Mazza welcome baby boy named Dominic
Something tells me all the “EXCLUSIVE!” details will be shared on EXTRA!

Wherein I Explain to My Four-Year-Old Daughter Why Rihanna Wears a Loincloth as a Shirt

I put our four-year-old daughter to bed every night.  Miss Skye is a shameless Mommy’s Girl who requests — nay, DEMANDS — my daily bedtime services, namely giving her a piggyback ride up the TWO FLIGHTS to her bedroom (with kids like her, who need StairMasters?), making sure she brushes her teeth for more than a nano-second, crushing her dreams of wearing a princess dress to bed, reading her a book, watching a music video on the iPad, telling her a made-up story and, sometimes, also singing a song to her — then trying to make an escape as she desperately searches for more excuses to make me linger in her room.  Quite the bedtime extravaganza, eh?  It is exhausting.  Ridiculously time-consuming.  Yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.  She wants to spend time with me!  She showers me with hugs and kisses!   Okay, yes, I may even let her wear a princess dress to bed from time to time. Because I’m easy like that.  Also because I’m too weak to argue after hoisting 40 pounds of preschooler up TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.  Which I’m sure is all part of her master bedtime plan.

Well-played, Miss Skye.  Well-played, indeed.

The trickiest part of our routine — beyond how to get out of Skye’s room before she asks for her 155th cup of water — is deciding on a music video to watch.  Not to get all Old Lady on you, but they don’t make videos like they did way back in my day before electricity and running water and Google Plus.  Heck, Robin Thicke’s not-so-Blurred topless models and Miley Cyrus’… well, Miley Cyrus-ness… make me long for more innocent music scandals, like Madonna’s cone bra.  Remember the outrage about that thing?  MADONNA’S BRA!  SO SHINY!  SO POINTY!  My god, at least she was wearing a bra.  Which is more than we can ever say for Miley.

Okay, so I went all Old Lady on you.  I actually think I’m pretty laid-back when it comes to this stuff — I’ve been known to let my kids dance around to the Jimmy Fallon version of Blurred Lines and I may or may not have giggled when my four-year-old daughter belted out, “I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!” at my mother-in-law’s house — but I still have to scan my mental checklist when considering options for our nightly music video viewing:

This requires a knowledge of music videos I previously did not possess (I mean, does anybody watch videos except for curious four-year-olds and concerned parents assessing them for unexpected nipple appearances* and oral sex references?).  Now, however, I have a pretty good handle on the contents of any video featuring Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber (or “Justin Beaver,” as Skye calls him… and I do not correct her), Beyonce, Katy Perry, Christina Aguilera and other performers of that ilk.  Although I usually try to persuade Skye to go the safer route, with fare such as illegally uploaded YouTube princess videos (you have to be careful with those, too — some really creepy dudes with unsavory princess fantasies out there), old Hannah Montana videos or anything involving Taylor Swift (*YAWN*  *BUT-OH-SO-CATCHY*), she will sometimes want to push the envelope with, say, Selena Gomez. Even a generally harmless Selena Gomez video can lead to, um, less-than-desirable conversation.

I, being a cool mom and all, am of course as honest as possible with my daughter.

In my defense, they never specify that it’s not a Curious George book.

And even when you are certain you’re in safe territory?  Like, you’re watching a scene from Annie or Sesame Street?  YouTube will find a way to totally screw you over.

Yup, there she appears:  Half-naked in a thumbnail in the sidebar during an otherwise innocent performance of It’s the Hard-Knock Life.  So I use the opportunity to tsk-tsk Rihanna’s loincloth-as-a-shirt and suggest she may want to stop shopping in the children’s department.  Skye nods in vehement agreement and I am happy to have imparted that lesson to my impressionable daughter.  Then the next night, as we’re watching a Maroon 5 video:

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Not to be outshone by the ladies, Adam Levine is, not surprisingly, also half-naked.  I recognize this as my opportunity to underscore that I am not sexist, that men should display a certain sense of decency, too — and, more to the point, that both Skye and her brother should remain fully clothed from head-to-toe until they are 50 or I am dead, whichever comes first.  With this responsibility weighing heavily on my prudish shoulders, I respond by shrugging, “I don’t know.  Maybe he got hot.  But he should probably cover up with a shirt, don’t you think?”

Skye ponders this for a good moment before a big smile crosses her face.

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Oh, boy.  We are in SO much trouble.

*Mr. Candy has offered to be the family’s official Unexpected Nipple Appearance Monitor.  So generous of him!

With thanks to Martin at How to Draw Funny Cartoons for creating these (actually animated) characters based on our family that I can manipulate and use to help relate my silly stories!

Looking for the Perfect Christmas Gift for Your Kid? Get the “Breaking Bad” Meth Lab Playset!

Does your kid already have the Dexter serial killer doll?  Then amp up the edge factor of his toy chest even further with this Breaking Bad-inspired meth lab playset:

Complete with protective masks, drug paraphernalia, figurines and an RV (AKA the show’s meth lab on wheels), future drug dealers can even reenact scenes from the TV series.

Apparently, some parents have taken to — where else? — Twitter to complain about the inappropriateness of the toy (made out of Lego-like parts, but not actually made by Lego), but I don’t see what the big deal is.  I mean, it’s obviously not meant for kids and even if it was…?  At least the meth lab has a cautionary “DANGER” sign and comes with a protective mask.  Plus, in today’s job market, never hurts to hone a set of back-up skills.

For Sale: Urine-Soaked Positive Pregnancy Tests

For Sale! As if we needed further proof that you can indeed find ANYTHING on Craigslist, a new trend has cropped up:  women selling their positive pregnancy tests on the classified ads site.

You moms out there are kicking yourselves because YOU didn’t think of this money-making opportunity, aren’t you?  Well, good thing I kept mine!  Woo-hoo!   (Too much information?  You can tell me so on my new site:  FiveYearOldPositivePregnancyTestsforSale.com.)

One post from Buffalo, New York, sums up the appeal for potential shoppers:

“Wanna get your boyfriend to finally pop the question? Play a trick on Mom, Dad or one of your friends? I really don’t care what you use it for.”

That particular test was going for the reasonable rate of $25 dollars. The tests in Texas seem to be slightly more expensive, at $30 a pop.  Perhaps because of more demand from Southern ladies looking to trick their men into marrying them.

Another ad reassures buyers conscious of name brands, “This will NOT be a dollar store test. Will be either Clearblue First Response or EPT.”

PHEW.  As I always say, if I’m going to buy a urine-soaked pregnancy test to play a prank on my parents, it had better be top-of-the-line.

Other possible, totally classy uses for the positive pregnancy tests include:

  • Using it to make your boyfriend cough up money for “doctor’s appointments”
  • Telling your wife/girlfriend that you found it in the trashcan and she has some ‘splainin’ to do.
  • Having Maury Povich buy them in bulk, thus giving his show plenty of material
  • Keeping it by your bedside, because who wouldn’t want to wake up to something that somebody else has peed on?  (In short, a substitute for toddlers who are potty training.)

Crash. Burn. Refuel.

No, Los Angeles, that was not a Santa Ana wind that just nearly knocked Nic Cage’s hair piece off.  That was me.  Exhaling.  (My apologies, Nic.)

The kids just returned to preschool after a two-and-a-half week summer break — and my, oh my, am I exhausted.  All of the teachers looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, while us parents…?  Yeah, we looked like we had been hit by a Mack Truck.  A Mack Truck in the form of two adorable, blond, curly-haired preschoolers who NEVER STOP MOVING.  Did you know this about two- and four-year-olds?   They are in a constant state of motion, just like Earth — spinning, spinning, spinning — while their parents teeter on the brink of crashing and burning, just like an asteroid.

asteroid-earth

And do you know what happens when an asteroid crashes and burns?  Earth just keeps on FREAKIN’ SPINNING like nothing ever happened.  And insists on following the asteroid to the kitchen when all she wants is 15 seconds to sneak a cookie without having to share.  (Hey, I was like an only child.  Sharing is not my forté.)

You full-time stay-at-home parents are surely smirking at your monitors right now.  “Welcome to my world, weakling” you cackle knowingly.  Well, that’s what my mom said when I mentioned my exhaustion, before admitting she has no idea how she raised three kids over the span of 35 years.

“It was hard,” she sighed.  “Life sure is good now.”

No empty nest syndrome there, my friends.  “FLY AWAY, BIRDS, FLY!  No need to come back until you have my grandkids!  Even then, make sure you schedule visits around my casino plans!”

Actually, hanging out with the kids was great — I may have even had a tear in my eye when I took them to school yesterday — but I am indeed relieved to have some time to myself again.  I am a loner at heart — when I misbehaved as a youngster, my parents would punish me by making me STAY in the living room with them, rather than sending me to my room by myself, which I would have relished — and require a certain amount of time by myself to work and recharge the batteries.  I’m not ashamed to admit that; it makes me a better mom.  Plus, preschool provides things for them that I’m not always able to.  Like art classes and ample social interaction with their peers and home-cooked meals that require some knowledge of how an oven works.

Any loyal Laughing Stork followers out there have undoubtedly noticed I haven’t been writing about my life much the past few months.  I know this because I have received a few e-mails from loyal followers saying, “Hey, Candy!  I’ve noticed you haven’t been writing about your life much the past few months.  What gives?”  Well, I’ve been taking time to reflect on the direction of The Laughing Stork.  You’ll be happy to know (I hope) that I’ve realized I can write about the craziness of parenthood without compromising the kids’ privacy, which is a high priority for me.  So please, keep following along!  I’ve got stories to tell!  Oh, do I have stories.  I’m also going to continue to expand the scope of our content to include more funny stuff about pop culture and just general everyday absurdity that we encounter as women.   Oh, is there ever absurdity.

You may have also noticed the site has gotten a facelift.  (Well, it is an LA-based site.  You shouldn’t be surprised if it gets a nip/tuck here and there.)  Hope you like the new look.  AND… I’ve spun off my pregnancy content into a new sister site:  Pregnancy Humor.  (Straightforward title, yes?)  So if you’re pregnant or know anyone who is pregnant, please share the maternity-fueled laughter.

If you do, I may just share my cookie with you.  Maybe.