I’m guessing this girl isn’t a morning person (just a hunch): Read More
(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*) 10. They have no problem passing out in strange...Read More
You know those ubiquitous “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT BLAH-BLAH MIDDLE SCHOOL” bumper stickers? Well, I was...Read More
A number of readers have reached out to me to see if I actually sell the coffee mug I posted last week. And, well…
Now I do! There’s even a Zazzle sale (try saying THAT five times fast) offering 25% off mugs with the promo code ARRRGGGGGGGG (appropriate, considering that’s how many of us feel before having our morning coffee) until end of day tomorrow, I believe. I have a whole slew of humorous family merchandise coming out — oh yes, brace yourselves for THE SLEW! — in the next couple of weeks, including funny birth announcements, cell phone covers, shirts, onesies, etc. I’ll keep you posted so that you can put EVERYTHING on your holiday wish list, just as my four-year-old daughter does. (Santa would need to drive a 747 to carry everything on her list alone.)
In the meantime, you can check out the mug here. Thanks!
Hugs, kisses & miles-long holiday wish lists,
As much as I love summer, my heart still leaps with excitement when the crispness of autumn hits the air (yes, we even get that crispness here in L.A.) — mostly, for the following 10 reasons:
10 Most Awesome Things About the Fall Season
10. Pumpkin hand soaps!
9. Pumpkin spice lattes!
8. Pumpkin bread!
7. Pumpkin pie-tinis! (Recipe to come. Oh yes, yes, it is.)
6. Pumpkin fudge!
5. Pumpkin cheesecake!
4. Pumpkin ice cream!
3. Liquor-filled pumpkin white hot chocolate! (Um, it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?)
2. Pumpkin perfume!
And I can’t forget…
1. Stylish pumpkin sweaters!
(Seriously. There is no forgetting that.)
“So I was in class when I saw this guy reading an IHOP menu,” writes a student on Imgur.
Hey, some study for MCATs. Some study for LSATs. And some…? Study for IHOPs.
As moms, we can often feel out-of-the-loop with the latest trends. Because when we’re juggling one-million-and-two things, keeping apprised of which color is “the new black” this season and how low or high our waistbands should be kinda fall off the priority list. (When in doubt, go with a mid-rise. Actually, always go with a mid-rise. And the “new black”…? Black.) But don’t worry — even those who are “in the know” ain’t so in the know, after all, as you’ll see in this hilarious segment from Jimmy Kimmel’s “Lie Witness News,” in which New York Fashion Week attendees claim to be familiar with collections from made-up (yet somehow familiar) designers such as Purina Chow (“Asian designers are so unique!”), George Costanza, Ricardo Montalban and Willy Loman.
FUN GAME OF THE DAY: Find a way to casually work “It’s called fashion, look it up” into conversation! Bonus points for really laying on the pretentiousness.
PRO BABY TATTOO TIP: If the first baby tattoo possesses zero percent of your child’s cuteness — and the artist has, in fact, rendered your precious offspring as a frightened baby zombie who just watched Miley Cyrus on the VMAs — do NOT hesitate to say, “Yeah. We’re good. We can just stop here,” before running to the nearest exit and never turning back. After seeing how the first one turned out, your other two children will surely understand why they were not “honored.”
I have to admit, when I watched Miley Cyrus “perform” (read: dry hump) with Robin Thicke at the VMAs, I wasn’t all that shocked or outraged. Then again, I was on vacation just steps from the beach and Mr. Candy and I had already indulged in a few glasses of wine, which admittedly may have softened my attitude. But now that I realize Miley clearly is on a non-stop “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” bender that crashes through any obstacles — aghast fiances and impressionable fans and pesky clothes, oh my! — in its attention-seeking path, I can’t help but offer a few gentle, motherly reprimands. Especially when it comes to her choice of clothes (or lack thereof). And I’m SURE when Miley reads this (I hear “glean life lessons from parenting sites” is at the top of her daily to-do list), it will make all the difference in the WORLD! *Ahem*
Oh, well. Here goes, anyway. Because she needs to hear something besides “You go, girl!” from her own parents.
Swinging naked on a wrecking ball (or, as I usually call it, “Friday night”):
I mean, if Paris started posing half-naked all the time just to get attention, would YOU — um, never mind.
Also in London:
A new Wall Street Journal article reveals that a surprising number of employees in their 20s and 30s are bringing their parents to job interviews and office socials — and an increasing number of companies are embracing this parental involvement by keeping parents apprised of their children’s job performance and inviting them to office functions.
So The Laughing Stork surveyed the parents of the parents of these more, um, co-dependent Millenials and asked the grandparents: How do you feel about parents accompanying their children on job interviews?
Babies AND the middle finger: two of my favorite things! (Especially when they’re mine.) Read More
Today’s guest bloggers are Candy’s cats, Larry and Lucy, who are considered trailblazers among the feline community in the realm of kitty-blogging. Lucy and Larry enjoy sleeping in sinks, sleeping in boxes, sleeping on floors, sleeping on forbidden tables and furniture, staring down non-existent enemies on walls, and regurgitating hairballs in their mom’s new shoes.
by Larry and Lucy
Humans think they are oh-so-clever with their grammatically appalling cat memes that have taken over the Internet, but little do they know that WE have turned the tables on them with our underground forum of HUMAN MEMES. Bwa-ha-haaaa! Thank you, kitties, for all of your submissions. Your humans are indeed brimming with potential for humiliation. However, we thought we would kick things off with a handful of memes that WE created, based on pictures we covertly took of our humans.
Check out Grumpy Human:
A Grumpy Human 2014 calendar will be available soon!
She really does look dumb, does she not? LOLZ!
AND STAY OUT OF OUR LITTER BOX. It’s not a sandbox, you fool.
Pretty disgusting to watch, actually. That’s why we shoved our butts in his face at 5AM — to wipe the copious amounts of saliva off.
Oh yeah, PWNED!
I really wanted to like The Mindy Project. It’s all about Mindy Kaling! I love her! I loved her on The Office! I love to support funny ladies! I love rom-coms and television — what a delicious pairing this will be! But after I watched the show’s premiere last year, I was all… meh. Then I deleted it from my already-overflowing DVR recordings and proceeded to watch five minutes here, five minutes there throughout the season without ever giving it much further thought. Because I approach my television viewing much like I approach sex since becoming a mom: If I stay awake to do this, is it really going to be more pleasurable than sleep? And most exhausted mothers out there know what that answer usually is. (Sorry, Mr. Candy. Zzzzzz.)
However, the kids have been sleeping in later (can I get a hallelujah?) so I’ve been feeling more refreshed lately (this is where Mr. Candy shouts “HALLELUJAH!”). Which means I’m also ready to give The Mindy Project another shot. It just so happens that Fox posted an early preview of Mindy‘s second season premiere online — one week before its Sept. 17 broadcast debut. The episode — titled “All My Problems Solved Forever” — follows Mindy to Haiti, where she’s struck by a sudden ailment. It also features a guest turn by the seemingly ubiquitous James Franco as Dr. Paul Leotard, whose name pretty much says it all.
Here are the top 5 things I learned from the season 2 premiere of The Mindy Project:
1. As we can see from this hair-chop, er…cut (just a wig, but a permanent style for the character), Mindy learned nothing from Felicity‘s mistakes.
2. Watching James Franco’s sperm dance to ’70s porn music is oddly mesmerizing.
3. Yeah, I would totally buy the “James Franco’s Disco Sperm” iPad app.
4. SPOILER ALERT: Contrary to the title of the episode, Mindy doesn’t really get all of her problems solved forever.
5. The premiere was cute enough to make me give the show another chance. Until the kids start waking up at the crack of dawn again, that is.
WATCH THE EPISODE HERE, IF YOU’RE NOT TOO EXHAUSTED: