(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*) 10. They have no problem passing out in strange places...Read More
You know those ubiquitous “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT BLAH-BLAH MIDDLE SCHOOL” bumper stickers? Well, I was...Read More
I recently made the mistake of starting to watch Scandal on Netflix. As a result, I abandoned my children, husband, work and general hygiene in favor of being glued to my iPad.
But it was SO worth it.
And now that I’m caught up, I thought I’d create a helpful list in anticipation of the show’s return on February 27 — a list that helps you determine if you have a li’l Scandal addiction problem, too. Here are 10 tell-tale signs:
10. You growl at your toddler that he HAS to learn how to pee in the potty because he is a GLADIATOR, dammit!
9. You would give your life for one of Olivia’s white coats.
8. Before sharing the secret to your famous chocolate chip cookies, you sweep your house for bugs.
7. You can’t even LOOK at a power drill without clutching your genitals anymore.
6. All sexual encounters must be conducted in a closet or on the Oval Office desk.
5. When your husband spills beer on the new sofa, you cry, “WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!”
4. Before you fix the time on your parents’ microwave, you put on a white hat.
3. Accidentally double-booked two important work meetings? No problem. YOU CAN FIX THIS. YOU’RE A FIXER.
2. When the automated phone system tell you that you are out of options, you retort, “I am NEVER out of options!”
1. You find yourself creepily staring at people through conference room windows.
If you, like me, are exhausted by the time you FINALLY get the kids in bed, then you’ll appreciate this clip from Jerry Seinfeld’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon last night. Skip ahead to 3:50, where Seinfeld — whose kids are 8, 10 and 13 — makes fun of the elaborate bedtime routines that us parents host for the kids every night, comparing the ridiculousness of it all to when we were kids and parents just, you know, tucked us in and turned out the lights. THE END.
Oh my, so true. Heck, sometimes my daughter even demands a dance routine as I’m heading out the door — and, even worse, I DO IT FOR HER. No pride. No pride at all.
Because when you think of celebrating a new life, you think of these words: alien chest burster, sugary sperm and a cannibal’s dream cupcake!
Oh yes, it’s that time of year again — time to inhale Thin Mints by the dozen! (Well, you can’t expect me to limit myself to only one… or seven... of those tasty suckers at a time.) Heck, a little girl was even pedaling cookies at the park this weekend, pulling out all the stops by dutifully wearing her uniform and sweetest smile while hitting up all of us sucker parents with her basket of goodies. Evil genius.
But not all Scouts are so clever in their approach, as you’ll see in our list of Top 10 Worst Girl Scout Cookie Sales Pitches:
10. Don’t worry — you’ll only have to run for three hours to burn off a box of Samoas!
9. Did Tagalongs exist when you were a Girl Scout waaaaaaaaay back when? How ’bout electricity?
8. With the money we make, our troop is going to contribute to Justin Bieber’s legal defense fund!
7. Is it just me, or do Thin Mints look like skunk pellets?
5. To be honest, I don’t care if you buy any. My mom’s guilting her colleagues into buying a TON of boxes.
4. I think it’s cool how the Do-Si-Dos match the color of Snooki’s skin.
3. With that breath, a box of Thins Mints would do you good.
2. If you buy a box of cookies, you’ll also be automatically added to the Girl Scouts’ twice-daily e-mail distribution list!
1. My dad told me to hit you up because you obviously like to inhale cookies.