Somebody should have told Salma there would be an open bar at the party before she smuggled in a couple half-kegs.

And if you’ve ever looked at a pair of Payless ballet flats and thought to yourself, “You know what I could really use with these?  EYE SHADOW!”, well, you’re in luck:  Those busy bees at Payless have partnered with Maesa Group to create a collection of beauty and body care products.  The new beauty merchandise, to be sold under brands names “Zoe & Zac” and “Unforgettable Moments,” will be available for as low as $2.99 an item, the company said.

That’s not all…!  Oh no.   Payless is also tapping into the fitness craze with a new collection of women’s toning shoes under the Champion Fitness banner.   The line, which began testing in select locations in December, is rolling out now to stores and to the company’s Web site.  The three-style toning shoe collection will be in nearly all of Payless’ locations by this summer and will cost just $25 – $40 to work that booty off.

Cheap and lazy — that’s my kind of workout.

Queen Latifah’s one-shoulder Badgley Mischka dress is fitted to perfection, and that pink complements her skin tone.  (Aren’t you proud of me for resisting the urge to use a pun like, “… Proving why she is the QUEEN of the red carpet”?  Ha, haaaaaa!)

After wearing relatively boring black numbers to recent events, Penelope Cruz is appropriately saucy in a Bordeaux Donna Karan duchess satin gown.  As Mr. Candy noted, “That Javier Bardem is one lucky guy.”

Da-yum.  Cameron Diaz has got some guns on her!  Which look amazing in this champagne-colored Oscar de la Renta gown that screams Hollywood glamour.  (Well, not literally.  That would be a little scary.)  A golden girl from head to toe.

Gabourey Sidibe surely deserves a spot on this list, not only for her lovely Marchesa gown and bubbly personality, but also for her quip that if fashion were porn, her dress would be the money shot.   And you know how I LOVE porn references.

When I first saw Sarah Jessica Parker in this Chanel dress, I was like, “Ooooooohhhhh.”  But as I continued to I study her, I was more like, “Aaaaahhhh.”  (Don’t be jealous of my eloquent fashion commentary.  It’s taken me YEARS to perfect.)  A fashion risk, for sure — one that people will either love or hate — but at least it’s INTERESTING, and in a romantic way.  Also, kudos to Sarah Jessica for successfully balancing herself with that house-sized bun on the back of her head.  Not an easy feat, I’m sure.

The usually modest Kate Winslet is smirking as if to say, “Yeah, I know I’m rocking this, people.”  And indeed she is in her sleek, strapless gold gown by Yves Saint Laurent and Deco-inspired $2.5 million yellow-diamond necklace from Tiffany & Co.

Well-played, Kate, despite your embarrassingly cheap jewelry.

Oh, Charlize Theron.  Even with your beauty, it’s impossible pull off an odd Dior dress with floral boobs that seem to exclaim, “Look at us!  We’ve blossomed!”

Vera Formiga looks like she just arrived from her Spanish Flamenco dance class in this Marchesa gown.  (Also, where can I sign up?  Sounds like fun!)

Oh, but he’s so talented!  Oh, but he’s so quirky!  Oh, but he’s the Comeback Kid!   All true, but that doesn’t give Robert Downey Jr. a free pass to wear SNEAKERS to the Oscars.  Unless he plans to run to Mens Wearhouse to buy a proper bow tie, in which case, carry on, Robby-D.  Carry on.

Even Zoe Saldana can’t keep a straight face in this over-the-top Givenchy dress.

How thoughtful of Jennifer Lopez to wear this Armani Privé gown during allergy season — it’s got a built-in, extra-large snot rag!  So convenient.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Yes!  It’s Mary Hart!  The Entertainment Tonight legend must have been feeling sentimental, which is why she pulled out one of her old pageant gowns for the occasion.

The collection starts out innocuously enough, with perfectly lovely pieces such as a babydoll tunic that looks like, well, many other maternity babydoll tunics out there.  (Note to more well-endowed ladies:  Because of the empire waist, this style is NOT for you.  I learned this the hard way when I saw a picture of myself in a similar maternity blouse last year and my girls looked like overstuffed sausages.)

Then things take a turn toward the “Oh no, she di-in’t”…

Yes!  It’s a $95 maternity unitard!  Given that I spent 99% of my pregnancy urinating, I would strongly recommend that Heidi add an “easy access” zipper compartment.

I appreciate that pregnant ladies need to feel sexy and badass, too, but $550 for leather leggings?  (That they’ll wear one or two times?)  C’mon, pregnant chicks don’t require THAT much more material!  For that kind of money, the leggings had better come with Heidi Klum’s body, too.

Miley Cyrus’ 9-year-old sister, Noah, and her best friend Emily Grace Reaves, 8, have teamed up to create a “trendy” and “edgy” new fashion line for Ooh! La, La! Couture.

And by “trendy” and “edgy,” they mean streetwalker-esque.

Emily Grace, the actress who played Cindy Lou in “Hannah Montana: The Movie” is shown in the below promotional video dressed as every parent’s worst nightmare.  (Unless, of course, that parent happens to have the last name “Cyrus” or “Lohan.)  The pint-sized blonde is seen showing off a revealing leopard-print mini-dress, fishnets and fingerless black gloves ensemble to Miley Cyrus.

Naturally, Miley approves.

Seriously, girls, mini-hooker outfits are SO 2009.  Sweatsuits are HAWT!  What’s that –?  You’re not interested in fashion advice from an old lady who uses words like “HAWT,” you say?  Okay, fine.  Then I won’t tell you that the coolest swimwear this summer is going to be head-to-toe wetsuits!  (Right off the runways of Milan.  I swear.)

With thanks to Laughing Stork reader, Terry, for the tip!

LEFT:  Kiss’s Gene Simmons flashing his signature tongue-wagging pose

RIGHT:  Miss Skye saying “hello” to me with her new favorite greeting (Yes, I may have encouraged it by sticking out MY tongue in response and making silly noises… so now she won’t stop.  See also:  Ladylike.)

I cannot lie:  I love me some Forever21.  (Even if they DO make me chug my latte before stepping foot in the store.)  And now they have launched a kids’ line for budding fashionistas on a budget. The new collection, called HTG81 — which kinda sounds like a new influenza virus — will feature clothing and accessories for boys and girls ages 6 to 14. The line has just debuted in stores and online at Forever21.com.

According to the company, the new kids’ line will offer everything from “classic to casual cool,” following in the footsteps of its Heritage 1981 collection targeted toward the college crowd.  Prices will range from $2.90 for basic tees to $22.90 for outerwear.

*SIGH*  I was born about 25 years too late.  My elementary school style was less “casual cool,” more “Oshkosh B’Geek.”

Disclaimer:  I’ve loved Emily Blunt ever since she declared, “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight” in The Devil Wears Prada.  So I may be a teensy bit biased, BUT…  I think she looks fabulous in her figure-hugging, one-of-a-kind D&G gown.  And she certainly does not need to come down with the flu or any other virus, for that matter.  (A sweet compliment, I know.)

Even though I could swear Olivia Wilde is wearing her Gucci dress backwards, she pulls it off spectacularly.

That color…!  That body…!  As usual, Cameron Diaz looks effortlessly chic in a satin Alexander McQueen gown.

Although not everybody will be a fan of the glass fringe at the hip, my girl Drew Barrymore’s draped, champagne silk chiffon Atelier Versace gown fit her like a glove.

I’m not usually a fan of abundant ruffles; however, Avatar’s Zoe Saldana is so pretty, she manages to totally rock this Louis Vuitton dress that would make some other, lesser women (i.e., me) appear ready to dance at the local saloon.

Mariah Carey apparently thought the party was BYOGG (Bare Your Own Golden Globes).

“Ta-daaaaaaa!  I fashioned a dress out of BEDROOM CURTAINS, people!” exclaimed Chloë Sevigny.

Despite her clearly impressive assets, Christina Hendricks looks like a bridesmaid at an Atlanta Peach-themed wedding for Charlene on Designing Women.  Which is also kind of awesome.

Nice of Julia Roberts to swing by after her parent-teacher conference.

Um, Marion Cotillard?  Your slip is showing.  …What’s that, you say?  You’re French, therefore you can wear peek-a-boo lingerie as formal wear …?  Okay.  FINE.

Well, what ELSE was Patricia Arquette going to do with the chain-mail armor and leopard-print toga she had lying around?