Humor & Satire
He Said, She Said: Advice Column for Celebrity Offspring
May 12, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Advice Column
Welcome to He Said, She Said, a column in which The Laughing Stork’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.
DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:
Strange ladies are ALWAYS flirting with my daddy and telling him that he’s “hot.” I offered to get him a glass of water if he’s so hot, but he just laughed and told me that’s not what they mean.
I don’t like how these silly women look at Dad when he takes his shirt off at the beach. He belongs to my mom! What should I do?
AvaJackman@aol.com
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TO AVAJACKMAN:
DAVID: Sorry about that. I’ll tell my mom to cut it out.
SHILOH: I don’t see what the big deal is. That’s how MY mommy and daddy got together!
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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:
I just got a new baby sister and hate that she’s getting ALL of the attention! It used to be all about me, me, me! Is it okay if I just sell her to somebody else? Maybe to those weird men with cameras who live on our sidewalk?
V-Affleck@yahoo.com
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TO V-AFFLECK:
DAVID: You’re in luck! My mom happens to be in the market for a new baby girl. Just let us know how much she costs, and your PayPal address.
SHILOH: You’re complaining about ONE lousy sister? Get a grip, girl! When you have to deal with a whole litter of siblings fighting for your parents’ attention, then come talk to me. I’m lucky when MY mom remembers my name!
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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:
My mommy used to be a big star on “Full House,” but things aren’t so great now. Daddy says she is drinking bad stuff and doing drugs again, and she is even being sued for not paying the fees on our house.
I’m so worried. Is there anything I can do to help her?
JodieSweetinsDaughter@comcast.net
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TO JODIESWEETINSDAUGHTER:
DAVID: How AWFUL and embarrassing! … Your mom was on “Full House”?
SHILOH: Whenever we’re having a rough time, we go to our $70-million, 35-bedroom chateau in France to relax. It’s great. You should totally get one, too!
Perfect Gift for “Woman of the Etiquette”
May 12, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Beauty, My Inside Cleaner, Wait Impatiently for Woman, WTF?
All the stinky ladies…. All the stinky ladies… Now put your hands up!
Thank goodness the Chinese have our backs or, um, boxes for “when stinks” — complete with handy-dandy diagrams, no less. Can’t imagine why an agent would be necessary, however. The copy sells itself!
[via Engrish]
Top 10 Tell-Tale Signs You Are a Mother
May 10, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Mother's Day
Happy Mother’s Day to all the hot mamas out there! In honor of this most beloved holiday, here is The Laughing Stork’s list of the TOP 10 TELL-TALE SIGNS YOU ARE A MOTHER:
10. The words “because I said so” have passed your lips.
9. You believe your spittle is an acceptable substitute for soap.
8. You’ve seduced your husband with this naughty phrase: “Hey, we probably have a good ten minutes till she wakes up.” [*WINK*]
7. Spit-up is your new black.
6. You fantasize about Greg from “The Wiggles.” (Those black hot pants are irresistible.)
5. You can flat-iron your hair, text your boss and perform an appendectomy with one hand.
4. Nap Time is your new Happy Hour.
3. You have sophisticated dinner conversations, often starting with the provocative question: “So did the big guy poop on the potty today?”
2. Your showers have been replaced by baby wipes and, on a good day, deodorant.
1. You have read the signs on this list and nodded, “Tru dat, sistah!”
A Special Mother’s Day E-Card: Celebrating Gifts from Mom
May 7, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Funny Mother's Day Cards, Mother's Day
Yet another tearjerker from The Laughing Stork’s oh-so-serious and sentimental new line of Mother’s Day greeting e-cards:
To e-mail one to the special mamacita in your life, use the “share this” widget below.
The Laughing Stork Greeting Cards. Celebrating special moments since 2009.
Parents Speak Out: Kids and Marriage
May 7, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Marriage, Parents Speak Out
A new study reveals that children put a drastic strain on a marriage. What are your thoughts?
Jim Anderson, New Father and Forklift Operator
“Just a second. My wife is texting me AGAIN about picking up some fucking diapers. I TOLD YOU I WOULD, WOMAN! Can’t I have just a MINUTE to myself?! …Um, what was the question again?”
Silda Wall Spitzer, Mother of Three and Former First Lady of New York
“That’s true… if by ‘children’ you really mean ‘high-priced hookers.’”
Carolyn Jeffs, Mother of Five
“Children are a blessing from God that only strengthen the bond between a man, his wife and his other two wives.”
A Special Mother’s Day E-Card: Shauna Sand Edition
May 6, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Funny Mother's Day Cards, Mother's Day, Shauna Sand
In honor of all the hot mamas out there, we at The Laughing Stork present our second oh-so-serious and sentimental e-card in our new line of Mother’s Day greeting cards:
To e-mail one to the special mamacita in your life, use the “share this” widget below.
The Laughing Stork Greeting Cards. Celebrating special moments since 2009.
For the Special Mama in Your Life: Mother’s Day E-Cards
May 5, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire | Tags: Funny Mother's Day Cards, Mother's Day
In honor of all the hot mamas out there, The Laughing Stork is launching a precious and oh-so-serious line of Mother’s Day e-cards — with a new one revealed every day this week. You can barely stand the excitement, I know! To e-mail one to the special mamacita in your life, use the “share this” widget below.
Hide Your Kids — Paris Hilton Wants to Dress Them!
May 4, 2009 | Filed Under: Celebrities,Humor & Satire,Pop Culture,Style | Tags: Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is famous for dressing in children’s-sized clothing and possessing the I.Q. of a baby squid, so it is only natural that she has decided to design a line of clothing for kiddies.
Paris announced on Twitter over the weekend:
“Just got home from a long day. About to start drawing the character for my new children’s clothing line.”
How exciting. And your day is about to become even more thrilling — because only The Laughing Stork has an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek at Paris’s designs so far! Introducing “Sexy Li’l Bitches: A Totally Inappropriate Kids’ Line by Paris Hilton”:
