Baking time… nine months?  (P.S.  “Perfect for holiday baby showers,” as Craft magazine declares!  I’m sure the mom-to-be won’t be offended at all.)

Happy Birthday to yooouuu…

Happy Birthday to yooouuu….!

This dead clown will haunt you…

And your dreams, too!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOMMY!

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This is especially true of Yahoo! Answers, where “you can ask questions on any topic and get answers from real people.” In fact, I was so impressed with the insightful questions and breadth of medical knowledge on this question-and-answer site, that I’ve decided to highlight the true gems in an ongoing column.  Here’s the latest doozy:

This is absolutely correct, folks — you CAN get your baby, and your baby’s baby, pregnant while pregnant.  That’s why it’s imperative to get in-utero birth control, such as the fetal contraceptive sponge.  Also:  a perfectly acceptable excuse not to have sex, if you’re looking for one.

David Letterman has revealed that he was the victim of a $2-million extortion attempt related to his sexual relations with “Late Show” staffers.

I wonder if one of Dave’s pick-up lines was, “Wanna see if it floats?”

During a taping for Thursday night’s broadcast (awk-ward!), Dave told viewers that three weeks ago he was approached by a person who claimed to have information about the host’s affairs with female staff members.  This person, Dave said, threatened to expose the relationships unless payment of $2 million was received.

You know who’s behind this, don’t you?  One word:  PALIN!

Dave then approached the Manhattan district attorney’s office, which began an investigation that culminated in Thursday’s arrest of the person, whom police identified as NOT Palin, surprisingly, but rather 51-year-old “48 Hours” producer Robert Halderman.  You’d think Halderman would know enough about crime by now to PROPERLY blackmail a person.  Geesh.

Dave, 62, said that during his grand jury testimony he admitted to having the sexual relationships.

“My response to that is yes I have,” he told his studio audience. “Would it be embarrassing if it were made public?  Perhaps — especially for the women,” he joked.

“It’s been a very bizarre experience,” Dave added. “I feel like I need to protect my family. I need to protect myself and I hope to protect my job.”

I’m sure Dave’s wife, who’s been his companion since 1986, is pleased.  Let’s just hope there are no sex videos produced by his company, Worldwide I Wanna Get In Your Pants.

Age Appropriate

Function: adjective

1.  A term frequently thrown around on E!’s awards show fashion wrap-ups to describe the dresses worn by Helen Mirren, Sigourney Weaver, Glenn Close, etc.

2.  A backhanded way of saying “this is what old chicks should wear.”

2a.  “Old chicks”:  Women old enough to remember life before the VCR.

2b.  “VCR”:  A useless box collecting dust in old chicks’ parents’ basements.

3.  Something that apparently does NOT apply to mini-skirts on women over the age of — GASP! — 30, according to “age appropriateness” expert Glamour magazine (also the gospel in “What to Wear in Your 20s, 30s & 4os!”).

Sentence usage:  “See?  Now that high-necked, long-sleeved, full-coverage muumuu that Phylicia Rashad is wearing is age appropriate!”  (Often from the mouth of somebody such as Jay Manuel, a 37-year-old man who does not wear anything appropriate.)

No need to embarrass her there.  That’s what this blog is for!

“How CUTE is that?  Thank you!” we squeal three octaves too high.

We have no choice but to torture our child with the outfit at least once, so we can take a picture as evidence that s/he DID wear it, then toss it in the back of the closet along with the Morrissey t-shirts from college we simply cannot bear to part with.

As part of our “When Bad Gifts Happen to Cute Babies” series, here is yet another one of these unfortunate but well-intentioned presents:

As the recipient aptly noted, “… this monstrosity was for saved for special occasions, such as “Mommy Hates Me Day” or “The Festival of Ugly Children: Let us Spit on Them.”

Even the panda is like, “Hey, don’t blame ME!”

But when you’re running on two hours of sleep and have yellow baby poop in your hair…?  A personality-filled birth announcement becomes less of a priority.  I just wanted to get those freakin’ things in the mail.  Bring on the pink!

In my deliriously exhausted state, however, I wondered:  What if if some people were to be completely truthful with their announcements?  I’m guessing they might look something like this:

Yeah, maybe pink’s not so bad, after all.

Future Blackmail

Or, should I say, cheekier side.

“Wait until I get a hold of my agent,” one of the models was overheard grumbling at this BabyLegs photo shoot. “My mom is so fired.”

Sure, those leg warmers are cute. But when even a 10-month-old is too embarrassed to show his face and is on the lookout for a get-away car… it may be time to kindly offer him some real pants. And encourage him to consider a career in law instead.

“I cut my finger on the toothbrush!  Quick — get me a Band-Aid!” he cried.

You don’t even want to know how this occurred.  Or how long he pouted.  But suffice it to say his face looked something like this (sans kick-ass sombrero):

Yes, yes, that is indeed a cake celebrating the Big Snip!  How awesome is that?  Chock full of Vicodin, with a side of chopped nuts.  Not sure to where Ted’s running in that get-up, though — perhaps to Mexico for “extra-strength” pain meds?

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