A frustrated parent considers ending the misery by applying the hammer to her head

Before having children, it is highly recommended that you obtain a PhD in Mechanical Engineering from a respected university.  With this particular wealth of knowledge, you likely will be better equipped to handle the challenging — if not impossible — technical responsibilities of parenting, such as changing the batteries in a plastic talking penguin.  Because, as any top engineer will attest, most children’s toys are harder to dismantle and assemble than the Space Shuttle, and with infinitely more parts.

Also, the eight years of schooling will afford plenty of time to ruminate over the question every prospective parent should ask himself prior to forgoing the condom:

“Do I really want to put myself in the position of wanting to murder an uncooperative plastic penguin?”

This has been your important Parenting Tip of the Day!

This is especially true of Yahoo! Answers, where “you can ask questions on any topic and get answers from real people.” In fact, I was so impressed with the insightful questions and breadth of knowledge on this question-and-answer site, that I’ve decided to highlight the true gems in an ongoing column.

(Ed. note: Perhaps she needed something to chase the gasoline she inadvertently chugged at breakfast?)

(Ed. note:  Now Angel “no”s.)

(Editor’s advice: Tell your husband if he doesn’t stop that immediately, you will no longer change his diapers and will be forced to give him a time-out in the corner.)

Spill-proof (adj.)

1. A misnomer created by marketers that have never been within a 20-foot radius of a toddler;

2.  A term that should not be confused with “squeeze-proof”;

3.  A product guarantee immediately viewed as a challenge by, er, precocious children;

4.  The reason I had to change my clothes and my daughter’s clothes, as well as stuff the entire stroller in the washing machine this morning.

Sentence usage:

“Look at how drenched your child is! You must have given her a spill-proof smoothie.”

More Storktionary terms…

Gallagher plans to take it slow and not rush into any art projects.

TAMPA, FL—Despite having been hurt more times than he can count, local kindergartner Kyle Gallagher told reporters this week that he’s finally ready to get out there and start playdating again.

Gallagher, whose last serious relationship ended three months ago, said his decision to meet new children and return to the playdating scene wasn’t easy.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous—after all, it’s been a while since I’ve played spacemen with someone else,” Gallagher said between small sips from a grape-juice box. “But I just can’t worry about that kind of thing anymore. It’s time to get back on that horse and see what’s out there for me.”

“I mean, I’m almost five and a half,” he added. “I’m not getting any younger.”

According to sources close to Gallagher, the small child has focused on keeping himself busy in recent weeks by drawing pictures of ninjas and searching for hidden treasures in hopes of distracting himself from the pain of his recent breakup.

Continued on The Onion >>

If you see such a cake, devour it IMMEDIATELY.  Hell, if cakes are starting to eat babies, you know it’s only a matter of time ’til they move up the human food chain to full-grown adults.  It’s us or them, people.

[Source]

Hey, you sexy Pregnant Ladies!  Need a break from your exciting weekend nights of Pay-Per-View movies and countless trips to the bathroom?  If so, have we got just the thing for you:

PREGNANCY BINGO!

Warning:  The sheer excitement of playing this game may cause urinary incontinence, nipple hair growth and lethal flatulence… oh wait, no.  That’s merely part of the fun of being pregnant.  Carry on.

Thankfully, I have the exams’ answer keys to get them back on track.

REAL-LIFE TEST ANSWER:

CORRECT ANSWER:

REAL-LIFE TEST ANSWER:

CORRECT ANSWER:

REAL-LIFE TEST ANSWER:

CORRECT ANSWER:

Also, some inductees into The Laughing Stork’s SMART-ASS STUDENT HALL OF FAME.  Well-played, smartasses.  Well-played, indeed.

INDUCTEE #1

INDUCTEE #2

INDUCTEE #3

Such is my long-winded explanation of why I have been giggling about this submission to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com:

“My grandmother has been telling my brother that his hair is too long for forever now,” our submitter in Texas writes, “and whenever she criticized his long hair, he’d tell her it was ‘in style.’”  Hello, loophole! Today Grandma left this clipping on the fridge for her grandson to find.

Because if a teenage boy is going to turn to anybody for style advice, it is going to be his grandmother.  (I feel your pain, Seth.)

source:  flickr

It’s time to work on your “This is the best present EVER” smile.