Pregnancy

66-Year-Old to Become Oldest British Woman to Give Birth

May 19, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Pregnancy

A 66-year-old woman who’s been “desperate to conceive for years” has finally gotten her wish:  the successful career woman and senior citizen discount recipient is pregnant with her first child.

Perfect timing, huh?  The two of them can share diapers!

Elizabeth Adeney, now eight months pregnant, flew to Ukraine where there is no age limit on IVF (unlike Britain and the U.S., which don’t offer treatment to women older than 50), becoming one of the so-called “fertility tourists.”

Sounds safe to me.  And if she needs lipo afterward, I hear there’s a fabulous plastic surgery clinic in the Colombian jungle.

Pregnancy Poundage

May 14, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Celebrity Spawn,Pregnancy | Tags: Pregnancy Weight

Once upon a time I jump-started my days with an extra-extra-large iced latte with extra-extra shots of espresso.  Today…?  I kicked off my morning by downing a bottle of orange soda with the taste appeal of flavored urine in preparation for a Glucose screening test.  Mmmmm.

My stomach properly coated in carbonated nastiness, I waddled to the doctor’s office for my blood test and 29-week checkup.  It was a fairly routine and reassuring appointment.  As usual, Baby Girl and Future Detention Regular squirmed and vociferously kicked the doctor as she attempted to listen to Baby Girl’s heartbeat (turns out, it’s strong); she is measuring just right; AND shocker of all shockers, I have only gained a pound since my last visit, totaling 13 pounds overall.

How can this be?  I haven’t been able to see my feet for weeks; the only reason I know they’re still attached to my body is from dropping a bottle of shampoo on them the other day.  Yeah, ouch.  I mentally scanned my recent diet:  cinnamon coffee cakes; bowls of Frosted Flakes; pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt — and that’s just been for breakfast.

To be honest, I haven’t been going overboard with the goodies, but I haven’t been particularly finicky about my pregnancy diet either.   So I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if the number had been higher.  Especially considering that at my baby shower, nine out of ten relatives feasted their eyes upon my belly and gasped, “Wow.”  Which I believe is not-so-secret code for “Day-um, girl.  You big!”

However, as a gal who managed to gain the FRESHMAN 50 (no joke) in college and comes from a family of ladies that typically pack on 60+ pregnancy pounds, I am a bit relieved.  The doctor is happy with my weight gain so far, a gain that puts me on track to add the recommended 25-30 pounds.  Of course, I’ve just totally jinxed myself and am no doubt going to spend my last couple of months swimming in a sea of deep-fried chocolate cheesecake.  But whatever.  Color ME happy, too.  In fact, pass me a spoon and color me Chocolate Fudge Brownie!

Flying high from the doctor’s flattery — I’m easy like that — I sashayed my pregnant ass into the waiting room full of pregnant chicks to make my next appointment.  Why, even my jeans felt looser now!   Then I looked down and realized they ARE looser.  Because, um…

I FORGOT TO BUTTON AND ZIP UP MY PANTS.

No joke.

I’m one cool mama, alright.

Uncomfortable Baby Shower Cakes: Classy Baby Mama Edition

May 13, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy | Tags: Baby Shower Cakes, Stay Classy

On the heels of the Beheaded Baby Dessert, I offer you a slice of the delicious-looking Redneck Amputee Cake:

“The Redneck Amputee”… sure to become the Farrelly brothers’ next feature film starring David Spade and Jaime Pressly.

[via Cake Wrecks]

Deep Thoughts by Francesca Bateman

May 13, 2009 | Filed Under: Celebrity Spawn,Other Photos,Pregnancy,Style | Tags: Francesca Bateman, Jason Bateman

“Hey!  This is stuck — it doesn’t come right out like it does with Kal-el Cage‘s daddy.”

Fun with Pregnant Bellies

May 12, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy | Tags: Pregnant Bellies

When I gaze at my burgeoning pregnant belly, I often think: Whose huge stomach IS that?!  And, once I remember that basketball belly belongs to ME, I ask myself: WWCD? (What Would Cézanne Do?)

The answer:

Feast your eyes upon this stylish trend of Pregnant Belly Painting, with art kits available on Amazon for only $23.88.  Perfect for classing up any dinner soirée!

I think I’ll just stick to using MY stomach as a martini bar serving tray.  Seems to be a real party pleaser.

Bristol Palin’s Abstinence Campaign a “Flop” in New York City

May 7, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Pregnancy | Tags: Bristol Palin, Hayden Panettiere

New York City students were none too impressed with Bristol Palin’s advice to consider abstinence during a town hall meeting today.  Which is surprising, considering Bristol is a very credible unwed teen mother who fairly recently said “abstinence isn’t realistic.”

You may have heard of Bristol…?  Just maybe?  She’s the 18-year-old daughter of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and was selected as an ambassador to The Candie’s Foundation to help create awareness about the pitfalls of teen pregnancy.  Well, today, she stumped for her mom, er… I mean, carried her message to about 150 teens at a town meeting forum at The Times Center that included “Heroes” actress Hayden Panettiere and Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Matt Garza, who was a teen father.

“It’s a big flop,” said Jerry Kowal, a high school senior, referring to Bristol’s campaign to get teens to abstain from sex.  (In Bristol’s defense, that’s exactly the reaction she is promoting among young men in bed.)

“I don’t think it’s her real opinion,” the 17-year-old told ABCNews.com.  “She’s just trying to help her mother.  She said it herself that abstinence education doesn’t work.  I looked it up.”

Ah, kids and that newfangled Google.  Can’t get anything past them these days.

Baby Shower Cakes That Make You Go, Hmmmm

May 5, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy | Tags: Baby Shower Cakes, Creepy

A cake certain to make the baby shower hostess the butt of many jokes:

Well, this is just all sorts of wrong, isn’t it?  I mean, everybody knows you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO LAY A BABY ON HER STOMACH, a fact that’s been drilled home several billion times by my baby books –

What’s that?  Oh yes, that IS a headless baby, isn’t it?  Huh.  Ah, nothing says “have a healthy, happy pregnancy” quite like a beheaded baby dessert!  Suppose that renders the whole laying-baby-on-her-stomach argument moot.

Even the teddy bear is bowled over in disbelief.

[via CakeWrecks.com]

Winner of the TLS “Caption This” Contest: The Sympathetic Husband

May 5, 2009 | Filed Under: Contests,Marcy & Matty,Other Photos,Pregnancy | Tags: Caption This Contest

A hearty congratulations to Laughing Stork reader, MM, for submitting the winning caption:

Manfred, clearly pleased with the status of his burgeoning belly, ponders which color support top to purchase for the moobs he plans to work on next.

Because, let’s face it, you can never go wrong with a moobs reference.

Submit your clever photo captions (two submissions per reader; U.S. residents only, unfortunately) by next Monday, and the winner — chosen by The Laughing Stork’s very own Co-Chairkitties Marcy and Matty — will receive this lovely prize:

Tart D’Amande Soufflé Riche Pour Le Corps offers luxurious moisture protection that’s never heavy or greasy, just divine. Almond Pie exudes a warm fragrance, rich with coveted and healthy ingredients to treat your whole body. Vitamins and tropical nut oils provide the ultimate in hydrated and sensuously silky skin. While rich with fatty acids and decadent aroma, there are no calories to be gained here. Guiltlessly dive into a big scoop of absolute deliciousness, and those lucky enough to be near you will savor the pleasure too. Apply liberally to the body and massage until absorbed. Perfect to wear anywhere!

6.76 fl. oz.  (Retails for $48)

After reading that, I’m totally famished.  Then again, when am I not these days?

Good luck, TLSers!