Pregnancy
Yahoo! Answers: The World’s Most Reliable Source of Pregnancy Information
Jun 17, 2009 | Filed Under: Humor & Satire,Pregnancy | Tags: Pregnancy Advice, Yahoo Answers
As an expectant mother, I have frequently tapped into THE most reliable source of medical advice in the universe: the World Wide Web. Because everybody knows the Internet only dispenses information that is one-hundred-percent accurate.
This is especially true of Yahoo! Answers, where “you can ask questions on any topic and get answers from real people.” In fact, I was so impressed with the breadth of medical knowledge shared on this question-and-answer site, that I decided to highlight a few of the true gems:
Pregnant with Boy or Girl? Find Out with At-Home Prediction Test
Jun 15, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Pregnancy
If you are pregnant and eager to find out if your baby is male, female or Boy George, you may be able to tell as early as 10 weeks after conception, according to makers of an over-the-counter gender prediction test.
IntelliGender, creator of the “Boy or Girl Gender Prediction Test,” says scientists isolated certain hormones that when combined with a “proprietary mix of chemicals” react differently if a woman is carrying a boy or a girl.
It claims that within 10 minutes of taking the urine test, a woman will be able to tell her baby’s gender. The specimen will turn orange if it’s a girl. If it’s a boy, the toilet seat will automatically stay up.
IntelliGender would not say what hormones or chemicals it uses it in its test, which boasts a 78 to 80 percent accuracy rate, because of a pending patent.
Of course, you can also undergo another kind of test with 100 percent accuracy: If your left breast is bigger than the right during pregnancy, you’re having a girl. If the right is bigger, it’ll be a boy. If you can’t tell which is bigger, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has offered to feel you up and predict the gender for free!
No Milkshakes for Yooouuu! New Pregnancy Weight Guidelines Issued…
Jun 1, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Pregnancy | Tags: Health
Thinking of indulging in a late-night brownie, you naughty baby mamas? Well, think again! An Institute of Medicine (IOM) committee of doctors, nutrition experts, and public health researchers has issued “new” guidelines on how much weight to gain during pregnancy. And, frankly, they are pretty much exactly what my doctor recommended — i.e., not much extra weight at all, really.
Here are the guidelines for pregnancy weight gain, based on a woman’s BMI (body mass index) before becoming pregnant with one baby:
* Underweight: Gain 28-40 pounds
* Normal weight: Gain 25-35 pounds
* Overweight: Gain 15-25 pounds
* Obese: Gain 11-20 pounds
And here are the guidelines for weight gain during pregnancy with twins, based on the mother’s pre-pregnancy BMI:
* Normal weight: Gain 37-54 pounds
* Overweight: Gain 31-50 pounds
* Obese: Gain 25-42 pounds
* Underweight: No weight gain guidelines are available because of insufficient data
Contradicting the old adage “eating for two,” committee experts say gaining too much weight during pregnancy may be risky for mama and the baby.
“The risk for the baby is being born too large, which can result in birth injury for the baby or may result in a cesarean section for the mother,” IOM committee chairwoman Kathleen Rasmussen says. “The risks for the mother of gaining beyond the guidelines are risk for cesarean section or risk for excessive weight retention postpartum.”
Not to mention you won’t be able to — GASP — get back in those skinny jeans within a week! *SIGH* I am not advocating excessive overeating, which is obviously unhealthy. However, I had hoped that pregnancy would provide a temporary escape from societal pressures about body weight. Ha. I am, no offense to myself, an IDIOT to have thought that. Never before have I felt so much judgment, body-wise — not even in my high school gym locker room, where eyeballing other girls’ back fat was considered a sport in itself. But at least back then we had the decency to make catty remarks behind their backs. The problem with pregnancy is that people feel perfectly comfortable judging your body right in front of you.
I am surprisingly content with my weight gain thus far and am on-track to pack on the recommended amount, and yet everyone has to make a remark about my evolving figure ranging from, “You’re barely showing, you malnourished sicko” to “OMIGOD, LOOK AT HOW YOU’VE POPPED, YOU PORKER!” (followed by assurances that I “will lose the weight quickly” — no pressure or anything!).
Look, people — I think I speak for many pregnant ladies when I say, a mere sneeze made me pee my pants yesterday. If I want to indulge in an extra brownie once in a while, I AM MORE THAN ENTITLED TO DO SO. And I do not want you to comment on how my resultant sausage ankles will “probably deflate” after I give birth. Have some respect… and just silently judge my back fat. Thank you.
Hormonal Baby Mama on Board
Jun 1, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Pregnancy | Tags: Don't Strum and Drive
I once thought the obnoxious thing to emerge from the ’80s, aside from Michael Bolton, was the “BABY ON BOARD!” sign. Every new mom seemed to have one suctioned to the back of her station wagon back then — and, of course, other drivers would spot the advisory and slow down to five miles per hour, so Mom and her precious cargo could arrive at their destination safely and soundly.
No! I kid! Other drivers would flash the One-Finger Salute and speed past the wagon faster than you can say “useless signage.” At least, that’s what my mom did.
Now that I’m knocked up, however, I’ve found myself yelling the unthinkable at other drivers: “Hey, watch it! Don’t you know there’s a pregnant lady on board here?!”
Oh yes, I’ve played the pregnancy card. Not that the other drivers know or care, but… the words HAVE escaped my lips. It’s out there, and I can’t take it back. I’m as obnoxious as a Michael Bolton-lovin’ station wagon mama. I might as well invest in a “HORMONAL BABY MAMA ON BOARD!” sign. In fact, it may be my civic duty to post such a warning. Because not only have I grown fiercely protective of myself and my precious cargo, but I also have an unpredictably short fuse on the road these days, fueled by those crazy pregnancy hormones — all it would take to make me become completely unhinged is a forgotten turn signal.
Or… a person who recklessly strums and drives:
True confession: this entire column is just a thinly-veiled excuse to post this unbelievable CrapCam photo I took from Mr. Candy’s car yesterday. In my defense, I don’t think my frustration with this particular driver was entirely hormone-fueled. Both my husband and I sputtered something along the lines of, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WOMAN DOING, PLAYING THE GUITAR AND DRIVING?!?!” So surprised were we, that we even neglected to flash her my mom’s signature One-Finger Salute.
Five bucks says the driver was playing “Mary Had a Little Lamb: Acoustic Version” for her “BABY ON BOARD.”
This Birthing Event Dessert Really Takes the Cake
May 29, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy | Tags: Appetizing, Baby Shower Cakes
Having watched an unhealthy number of baby delivery shows since becoming pregnant, I have witnessed my share of water births. But never have I seen one in which they greet the baby with a floating cake and edible mom:
Top 10 Signs You Might Have Pregnancy Brain
May 28, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Featured,Pregnancy | Tags: Pregnancy Brain, Top 10 List
10. You just spent an hour searching for your favorite black tank top — only to realize you’re WEARING it.
“Oh. Here it is.”
9. To turn on your windshield wipers, you push the seat warmer button. Of course. And LEAVE IT THAT WAY.
8. You’ve wondered why your lip gloss looks so pale, and realized you used your tube of CONCEALER.
7. You’ve spent the better part of your night trying to use your car key remote to open the front door. Your NEIGHBOR’s front door.
6. Your kitchen tiles are constantly JUMPING UP AND TRIPPING YOU.
5. You open your fridge, only to find you’d put the box of Frosted Flakes in there earlier that morning.
Hello, Candy's fridge.
4. Um, what is this column about again…?
Oh. Right. *AHEM*
3. You picked up SOMEBODY ELSE’s kids from school. (Bright side: This accidental exchange could work in your favor.)
2. Even Paris Hilton can multiply 7×6 faster than you can. As long as she has her iPhone handy, that is.
1. You have developed an inexplicable ADDICTION TO ALL-CAPS. (Sorry, folks. Blame it on the preg-preg-preg-preg-preg pregnancy brain, baby…)
Awkward Baby Shower Cakes: Push It Good
May 20, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy | Tags: Baby Shower Cakes, Stay Classy
Baby showers are a time for women to “ooohhh” and “aaahhh” over tiny socks and breast pumps, and for men to be thankful they’re not women.
Also, apparently, a time to let the Baby Mama know exactly what’s in store for her:
A cake AND effective birth control
Never before did I think I would have to censor a baby shower cake, but there’s a first for everything, I suppose — including the first time I’ve looked at a dessert and actually LOST my appetite (truly, a Sign of the Apocalypse).
For those of you who forgot your I.D. in order to see this X-rated goodie in all its uncensored glory, YES, the carpet matches the curtains. I know you were wondering. Sicko!
30 Weeks
May 19, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Pregnancy | Tags: Candy's Mom
When I first spied those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, the next nine months of my belly in various forms of growth flashed before my eyes. Or perhaps those flashes came from hitting my head on the toilet when I’d passed out from severe nausea. (Oh, how I miss the first trimester.) Regardless, no amount of daydreaming or nausea-induced peeks into the future could have prepared me for the reality of this not-so-little development:
"Where did THIS thing come from?!"
It’s my 30-Week Milestone! Also known as The Tipping Point. Seriously, with my center of gravity officially missing in action (I swear a kitchen tile jumped up and tripped me this morning), college kids sure could have a lot of fun sneaking up on me and tipping me over. Let’s grab a case of MGD and go Candy Tipping tonight, guys!
Of course, it would be all fun and games until I HUNTED THEM DOWN AND SAT ON THEM. Once I managed to get back on my feet. The next day.
While I keep an eye out the window for USC students bearing cattle prods and double-bolt my doors, I just have to say pregnancy has agreed with me in a way I never expected. I’ve become one of those happy, glowy, knocked-up chicks you want to smack on the head. The odds of this happening were previously thought to be even worse than Tom Cruise’s chances of getting drafted by the NBA. Just ask my mother:
ME: I can’t believe how much I’m enjoying being pregnant.
CANDY’S MOM: I can’t believe it either. At all.
ME: I hear Tom Cruise is going to play center for the Lakers next year
CANDY’S MOM: Really?! Well, I guess that’s not so crazy.
Hey now. Who WOULDN’T love having a belly that could double as a ball in Tom’s first NBA game?
