GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Cake vagina, side-eyelashes and amputated hands… oh my!  (I don’t know how Kristin could possibly MISS the baby with those monstrous paws of hers.)

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I don’t know about you, but if MY vagina turned green and/or sprouted a flower, I would have my doctor check it out.  IMMEDIATELY.

Little-known fun fact:  Conception happens when sperm fertilizes a Spicy Tuna Roll.

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Telemummy

… A slice?  Oh, no, thank you.  I only eat my own young.

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Oh sure, the seemingly breech baby may have curiously aligned feet and mama may have rather sizable, er, cupcakes… but at least the beheaded, limb-less mother-to-be is wearing a stylish scarf!

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Expectant mama Julia Grovenburg didn’t use fertility drugs because she didn’t want multiples, but has learned — SURPRISE! — she’s carrying two babies anyway.  Not twins, but rather two babies that apparently were conceived weeks apart.

That is, as those in the medical profession would say, some crazy shit.

The 31-year-old woman went for an ultrasound to check on her 11-week-old fetus and was stunned to find out she had two.  Doctors believe it’s a rare case of superfetation — defined as, “Holy crap, I’m gonna have to change a lot of diapers.”

“We feel very blessed, but the truth is that I gagged.  I started getting sick, that’s not a joke,” Mama Julia said about the moment she found out she was pregnant – again. “My ultrasound [technician] Susan was in total, utter shock.  My husband was laughing.”

Of course he was.  Look at his face — proud of his super-persistent swimmers, he is.

The Fort Smith, Ark., woman said she and proud babydaddy Todd, 38, were floored by what they saw.

Next to the baby girl, Jillian, there was a smaller fetus, a baby boy they’ve named Hudson, with a younger gestational age.

“We tried for three years to have kids, and nothing ever happened,” Grovenburg said. “We even refused to do in-vitro or fertility drugs because we didn’t want multiples.  I guess God is having the last laugh.”

He could probably use one after learning “The Beautiful Life” was canceled.  He must be devastated by the news!

Mama Julia said it’s feasible there were two conception times because she didn’t realize she was pregnant with Jillian for a while and continued to try to conceive.  However, because she didn’t have an amniocentesis, doctors can’t rule out the possibility of twins for sure until the babies are born.

Jillian’s due date is Dec. 24 and Hudson’s is Jan. 10, but they will probably be delivered at the same time in early December.

“It’s funny because in a way Jillian is getting robbed,” Mama Julia said. “The way she was conceived, she sits up higher, so Hudson probably will be delivered first.  She’s legitimately older, but he’ll be the big brother.”

Jillian may feel that way… UNTIL Hudson turns 30.  Then she’ll be all, “Ha, ha.  YOU’RE old, sucka!”

Um… is this a reenactment of what happens to Grover when he gets mad — he turns into The Muppet Hulk?!  The Muppet Hulk in PAMPERS, no less?  That is frightening.

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]]> http://thelaughingstork.com/2009/09/baby-shower-cakes-dont-make-him-angry/feed/ 0 http://thelaughingstork.com/2009/09/as-if-childbirth-isnt-harrowing-enough/ http://thelaughingstork.com/2009/09/as-if-childbirth-isnt-harrowing-enough/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:24:48 +0000 Candy http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=6170 Behold the mind-boggling patent for an “Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal Force” (aka “‘Round ‘and ’round she goes…”):

Um, are they pulling that poor woman’s face apart?  I suppose that’s ONE way to distract from the pain goin’ on below.

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Why, that’s almost as sensitive as a “Congrats on Getting Knocked Up Despite Your Advanced Maternal Age!” cookie.

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“Growing by two feet…”?  Looks more to me like that poor baby is six feet under.

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A hearty congratulations to Laughing Stork reader and hardcore gambler, Lainey, for winning The Baby Betting Pool.  Guess:  July 29; 7 lbs., 4 oz.   My baby’s actual birth date and weight:  July 29; 7 lbs., 13 oz.  Although some others were closer in terms of weight, the guesses were submitted too late.  Alas, the betting window had been closed.  And reader/gambler Cowgirl in the Sand was just ONE day off, with the perfect birth weight.  But I guess having her own baby the next day was almost as rewarding as a bottle of shampoo.  Almost.

Lainey will receive Votre Vu’s Cheveux Heureux Shampoo Riche:

The shampoo hydrates, restores, balances and protects adding a boost in volume and shine. The shampoo is an effective yet gentle cleanser which eliminates build up, impurities and toxins without stripping your hair’s natural oils. It does not contain sodium laurel sulfates. Cheveux Heureux Shampoo Riche leaves your hair more manageable and soft to the touch. For more information please visit: www.VotreVu.com