Important manufacturer health warning:  They are not to be used for love making and you should always consult your doctor before using extra nipples.

I drove all the way — yes, all 12 miles — to Sherman Oaks today for my Maternity Clothes Shopping Premiere, because the only maternity clothes available in West Hollywood are $100 fitted tees announcing “My lovely baby bump” with the requisite arrow splashed out in rhinestones. And I am just not precious (or rich) enough for that kind of t-shirt. Even though my body is not yet in prime maternity wardrobe shape — onlookers are more likely to assume I’m ready to give birth to a six-pack of Heineken than a bouncing baby girl at this point in my pregnancy — I just feel like I need to have those maternity pieces in my closet for that moment the button on my regular jeans finally says, “GIVE IT UP ALREADY, WOMAN!” and pops off in search of a less stressful life of unemployment under my bed.

Not to mention I desperately wanted to walk around the mall with my A Pea in the Pod shopping bag, so that passersby could finally make the connection that I am 18 weeks pregnant with child, and not with beer. Because, you know, I’m sure EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD is wondering. Yes, it’s true. Everybody.

‘Round and ’round I went in that damn shopping mall parking lot looking for a space, blindly following an army of other drivers who steadfastly REFUSED to park on the second or third levels. ‘Cause heaven forbid our lazy asses should have to walk more than ten steps to the mall entrance in the gawd awful 70-degree L.A. weather. After a while, The Search almost become a competition. Like, if THOSE drivers aren’t willing to park in the second-tier spaces, hell if I will either!

Then I saw it. It beckoned to me. But did I dare? I couldn’t tear my eyes away:

I know, I know… those spots are meant for, like, really pregnant chicks. Really, really. As in, so-pregnant-they-could-end up-delivering-in-front-of-the-Wetzel’s-Pretzels-stand-pregnant (SPTCEUDIFOTWPSP). And yet, I felt like I’d paid my pregnant lady dues. I was so nauseous during my first trimester, a mere whiff of Hubba Bubba brought me to my knees. My breasts feel like water balloons. I now suffer from a lovely thing called pregnancy rhinitis, which gives me a good, oh, two-to-three hours of sleep a night. I AM A ZOMBIE LADY WITH WATER BALLOON BOOBIES BECAUSE OF THIS BABY, DAMMIT! DO I NOT DESERVE THE SAME PARKING SPACE RIGHTS AS A WADDLING NINE-MONTH-PREGNANT LADY WHO, I MIGHT ADD, IS NOT EVEN USING THIS SPACE RIGHT NOW?!

You’re right. I don’t. But I took it, anyway.

Appalled by my behavior? You’ll be happy to know that not even fifteen minutes later I was using the restroom facilities — when am I not these days? — when a fellow bathroom goer slammed her stall door, causing my hastily locked door to FLY WIDE OPEN and expose part of my fat pregnant belly and unmentionables (I was wearing a dress, thankyouverymuch) to a line of unimpressed ladies waiting outside.

Yes, I’m sure they assumed it was a beer gut. And, yes, Karma is still cackling.

But at least I only had to walk ten steps. Suckas!

Now, I am no doctor, but something about our little girl’s 12-week ultrasound struck me as… curious:

Unusual, no? I thought the baby was supposed to be the size of a lime at that stage — not have a lime in her fruity cocktail? Yet there she is, smirking and totally chilling in her hammock with a Daiquiri! *SIGH* I don’t remember reading anything about this in What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

In all honesty, the ultrasound technician laughed when she saw Baby posing like that and did indeed say, “Looks like all baby needs is a cocktail in there!”

That’s our kid, all right.

Preganancy Brain not only causes memory lapses, but also loss of fashion sense

For those of us who have been — or know someone who has been — with child, Pregnancy Brain is an all-too-familiar affliction.  In fact, some of us STILL have that darned box of Frosted Flakes sitting in the fridge.  (They’re not-so-grrrrreat!)  However, outside of pregnant women showing up at work in bathrobes, there has been no real proof that our insane behavior was pregnancy-related.

Until now.

Ah, sweet, sweet vindication.  The medical community FINALLY has our backs, as researchers have found that pregnant women in their second and third trimesters performed significantly worse than the non-pregnant women on spatial memory tests.  In fact, the memory effect still held at three months after birth.

The pregnant women also had a lower mood and more anxiety during their pregnancy than the non-pregnant women did, though those scores were about the same for both groups three months after birth.

The findings, presented last week at the Society for Endocrinology BES Cconference (which sounds like a rockin’ good time) in Manchester, England, suggest that the high levels of sex hormones circulating in the bodies of pregnant women could have a negative impact on the neurons in the parts of the brain responsible for spatial memory, particularly the hippocampus.

In short:  Pregnancy Brain isn’t just in our heads.  So to speak.

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Cake vagina, side-eyelashes and amputated hands… oh my!  (I don’t know how Kristin could possibly MISS the baby with those monstrous paws of hers.)

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I don’t know about you, but if MY vagina turned green and/or sprouted a flower, I would have my doctor check it out.  IMMEDIATELY.

Little-known fun fact:  Conception happens when sperm fertilizes a Spicy Tuna Roll.

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Telemummy

… A slice?  Oh, no, thank you.  I only eat my own young.

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Oh sure, the seemingly breech baby may have curiously aligned feet and mama may have rather sizable, er, cupcakes… but at least the beheaded, limb-less mother-to-be is wearing a stylish scarf!

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Expectant mama Julia Grovenburg didn’t use fertility drugs because she didn’t want multiples, but has learned — SURPRISE! — she’s carrying two babies anyway.  Not twins, but rather two babies that apparently were conceived weeks apart.

That is, as those in the medical profession would say, some crazy shit.

The 31-year-old woman went for an ultrasound to check on her 11-week-old fetus and was stunned to find out she had two.  Doctors believe it’s a rare case of superfetation — defined as, “Holy crap, I’m gonna have to change a lot of diapers.”

“We feel very blessed, but the truth is that I gagged.  I started getting sick, that’s not a joke,” Mama Julia said about the moment she found out she was pregnant – again. “My ultrasound [technician] Susan was in total, utter shock.  My husband was laughing.”

Of course he was.  Look at his face — proud of his super-persistent swimmers, he is.

The Fort Smith, Ark., woman said she and proud babydaddy Todd, 38, were floored by what they saw.

Next to the baby girl, Jillian, there was a smaller fetus, a baby boy they’ve named Hudson, with a younger gestational age.

“We tried for three years to have kids, and nothing ever happened,” Grovenburg said. “We even refused to do in-vitro or fertility drugs because we didn’t want multiples.  I guess God is having the last laugh.”

He could probably use one after learning “The Beautiful Life” was canceled.  He must be devastated by the news!

Mama Julia said it’s feasible there were two conception times because she didn’t realize she was pregnant with Jillian for a while and continued to try to conceive.  However, because she didn’t have an amniocentesis, doctors can’t rule out the possibility of twins for sure until the babies are born.

Jillian’s due date is Dec. 24 and Hudson’s is Jan. 10, but they will probably be delivered at the same time in early December.

“It’s funny because in a way Jillian is getting robbed,” Mama Julia said. “The way she was conceived, she sits up higher, so Hudson probably will be delivered first.  She’s legitimately older, but he’ll be the big brother.”

Jillian may feel that way… UNTIL Hudson turns 30.  Then she’ll be all, “Ha, ha.  YOU’RE old, sucka!”

Um… is this a reenactment of what happens to Grover when he gets mad — he turns into The Muppet Hulk?!  The Muppet Hulk in PAMPERS, no less?  That is frightening.

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