Oh, Jesse.

In a statement provided to People, the “Vanilla Gorilla” says:

“The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.

There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.

“This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them.  I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”

There.  All better now!

The expectant parents:  Kevin Costner, 55, and wife Christine Baumgartner, 35

The low-down:  The new arrival will make baby #7 (!) for Super-Sperminator Kevin, joining join older brothers Hayes Logan, 13 months, and Cayden Wyatt, 2 ½ — his sons with Christine — as well as Liam, 13, Joe, 22, Lily, 23, and Annie, 25, his children from previous relationships.

The expectant parents:  Amy Poehler, 38, and Will Arnett, 39

The low-down:  The couple is expecting their second child.  No due date has been released.  The baby will join big brother Archie, 16 months.  If it’s a girl, “Veronica” jokes are certain to ensue.

The expectant parents:  Danica McKellar, 35, and her husband of one year, Mike Verta

The low-down:  This is the first baby for both.  “I’m nearing the end of my first trimester and I’m so excited –- I’ve been bursting to tell people,” Danica, who of course played Winnie on The Wonder Years, tells People magazine.

Also:  Winnie Cooper is 35?!

If this is true, color me a little devastated:  A tattoo model, clearly envious of the attention lavished on Tiger Woods’ mistresses, has revealed that she has been having an 11-month affair with Mr. Sandra Bullock, Jesse James.

Oh, Jesse.

Among the excruciatingly intimate details shared by Michelle “Bombshell” McGee (her given name, I’m sure):

• Jesse “gave Michelle the impression” that he and Sandra were separated.
• For weeks, while Sandra was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side, Michelle and Jesse  had sex at least once a week.
• Michelle called Jesse, who didn’t wear underwear or condoms — SMART! — by a special pet name, Vanilla Gorilla, because he was so “well-endowed.”
• In case you missed that:  VANILLA GORILLA!
• Michelle met Jesse after she sent West Coast Choppers a Facebook friend request because she hoped to snag a modeling gig there.  Jesse personally responded, inviting her to hang out at his place, which led to, um, “hanging out” on the couch.
• When Michelle asked him, ‘What’s going on with you and Sandra?’” Jesse was allegedly evasive. “He said, ‘She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She is filming, and I can’t talk about it.’”

Oh, Jesse.

The most recent development:  Sandra has pulled out of the London premiere of The Blind Side.  Translation:  Jesse is likely in deep doo-doo.

Poor Sandra.

Well, I can understand why Jesse would stray.  It’s not like he’s married to a beautiful, smart, talented, successful, gracious wom — oh, wait.

FUN CHALLENGE OF THE DAY:  Find a way to casually work “Vanilla Gorilla” into conversation!

“Rob and I are so excited it’s stupid,” Kaitlin says in a statement. “The last couple years have been pretty amazing for us and just when we thought things couldn’t get any better, the greatest little thing in the world happened! We’re totally beside ourselves.”

That is one of the most genuine-sounding publicity statements I’ve ever read.  Well-done, Kaitlin and Rob.  Well-done, indeed.

Master Publicity Statement Writers Kaitlin, 34, and Rob, 32, got hitched in 2008 in a place where it really IS always sunny:  Malibu.

It’s Always Sunny, which Rob created and executive produces, will return for its sixth season in September.   (Sixth?!)  Meanwhile, Kaitlin most recently appeared in the cheesy-looking movie Leap Year as the best friend of Amy Adams.

Congrats, you crazy kids!  (P.S.  I am so glad you don’t play the brother-sister duo.  That would creep me out for no good reason.)

On The View yesterday, Barbara Walters said she had talked to Rielle that morning.

“She was in tears when she called,” said Barbara, “and said that when she saw the pictures in GQ she screamed for two hours.  She said she found the photographs repulsive.

So Barbara asked the obvious question:  If that was the case, then why did she pose for them?

“She said she trusted Mark Seliger, whom she said is a brillant photographer and quote, ‘I went with the flow,’” recounted Barbara.

Barbara added that Rielle “thought that having one of those photos was okay and would be sexy and that there were others that were just beautiful headshots, but that GQ picked photos to hit one note.”

Awwww.  She must feel so BETRAYED!  Poor thing.

The nearly seven-year marriage of Kate Winslet and director Sam Mendes has passed away.  Cause of relationship death:  unknown.

“Kate and Sam are saddened to announce that they separated earlier this year,” their lawyers say in a statement. “The split is entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement. Both parties are fully committed to the future joint parenting of their children.”

Kate, 34, and Sam, 44, were married in 2003.  They have a son, Joe, 6.  Kate also has a daughter, Mia, 9, from her first marriage to Jim Threapleton.

The Marriage of Kate and Sam is survived by their his-and-her Oscars, my girl crush on Kate and many fans’ dream that she will now hook up with Leonardo DiCaprio.

David reportedly met Zoe while he was in London directing the critically acclaimed 2007 flick Run Fatboy Run.

Zoe, 24, is basically half the age of 43-year-old David.  So when he started acting on Friends in 1994, Zoe was introducing her Polly Pocket Playset to her third grade class during show-and-tell.

Awwww.

This is the first marriage for both David and Zoe.  (But it is certainly not for Ross Gellar.)

“I’m really excited. I’m happy. I can’t wait to be a dad,” A.C. Slater tells PEOPLE.

Mario, 36, and actress Courtney Mazza, 28, met in 2008 when the cheesy Extra host starred in A Chorus Line on Broadway.  As you may remember, Mario was once married to Doritos hottie Ali Landry, who divorced his cheating behind after only two weeks, then he romanced Dancing with the Stars partner Karina Smirnoff, who broke up with his cheating behind after two years of dating.

Stellar relationship history aside, Mario claims he’s totally ready to be a daddy.

“I grew up in a large family,” Mario says.  “I’m fired up!  I don’t know what we’re having.  I’m going to wait to see [the baby's gender] so it will be a surprise.”

He should totally entertain the kid by reciting old Saved by the Bell dialogue:

JESSIE:  You macho pig.
SLATER:  Oink oink, baby.

Like Shakespeare.  Only deeper.

Yes, naturally, there was a pole at the bash, and “Demi thought it would be fun to show everyone she still has what it takes,” a partygoer tells Life & Style. “Demi even spun around the pole upside down. It was incredible.”

Then it was Rumer’s turn, as stepdad Ashton Kutcher looked on — not creepy at all! — and Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio also gathered ’round.

“It was strange, but Demi encouraged Rumer to join her,” says the partygoer.  “Everyone was cheering, and Leo gave Ashton a high-five.  Ashton put his arms around both Demi and Rumer and looked like the proudest man in the room.”

Awwwww.  A proud papa!

Giving your daughter public pole-dancing lessons:  unusual.  Willingly reminding everyone that you starred in Striptease:  SHOCKING.

Apparently, Disney executives were surprised that boys didn’t want to see “The Princess and the Frog” (which didn’t rake in the bucks the studio expected) because it’s about, you know, a PRINCESS — so they have vowed not to repeat that mistake with its next animated film, “Rapunzel” by giving the movie a less gender-specific title:  “Tangled.”

The Brothers Grimm are surely rolling over in their graves.

The studio’s marketing campaign will also target young lads, amping up the role of the dashing Errol Flynn-styled male lead to share the spotlight with the real star of the flick, Rapunzel herself.

“In our film, the infamous bandit Flynn Rider meets his match in the girl with the 70 feet of magical golden hair,” wrote the film’s producer, Roy Conli, on Disney Animation’s Facebook page. “We’re having a lot of fun pairing Flynn, who’s seen it all, with Rapunzel, who’s been locked away in a tower for 18 years.”

Flynn Rider, of course, is nowhere to be found in the original “Rapunzel” story.

After being locked up for 18 years, I can’t imagine why she’d even waste precious time on a strange dude with questionable chin scruff when there is TWITTER to discover.