Kids

It’s Confirmed: Jennifer Hudson is Hiding a Baby Under Those Hammer Pants

May 31, 2009 | Filed Under: Babies,Celebrities,Humor & Satire,Pop Culture | Tags: Jennifer Hudson

After a couple months of tabloid speculation, a weekend baby shower in Chicago has confirmed that Jennifer Hudson is indeed pregnant.

Also, this picture confirms that Hammer pants are indeed making a comeback.  Lord help us all.

“It was a baby shower, a quiet gathering of friends and mostly family,” singer/actress Felicia Fields, a longtime Hudson friend, said of Saturday’s get-together in a relative’s home. “They’re really trying to keep it kind of quiet.”

Felicia would not say when the baby is due, only that the shower was “a nice time” and that Jennifer and her Harvard Law grad/reality star/aspiring professional wrestler fiance, David Otunga, did not yet know the gender.

Something tells me Loose Lips Felicia will not be asked to be the baby’s Godmother or to sit ring-side at David’s first trip to WrestleMania.

Kids Forced to Wear Ball and Chain to Teach Them Joy of Studying

May 21, 2009 | Filed Under: Featured,In the News,K-6,Kids,Teens | Tags: Education, Grand Parenting Ideas

Parents who are concerned about their children’s studies, but not concerned enough to personally pay attention, will be excited about a new study aid on the market:  the ol’ ball and chain!

Yes, just set the desired time on the so-called “Study Ball” and attach the 20-pound device to your child’s ankle.  A red digital display counts down the “Study Time Left,” and the contraption beeps and unlocks when the time (which cannot exceed four hours) expires.

Because heaven knows your child will NEVER be able to reach his cell phone with a 20-pound ball strapped to him.  Hell, kids wear bling around their neck that weighs more than that.  These days, I eat BAGS OF CHIPS that weigh more than that!  In one sitting.

If interested in this genius invention — and who wouldn’t be, really — you can find it on curiosite.com for about $100.

*SIGH*  If only we could go back to the days of yore, when kids had no problem buckling down and plagiarizing CliffsNotes all on their own.

Stoned Kid Has Best Trip to Dentist Ever

May 18, 2009 | Filed Under: K-6,Kids

A father with a warped sense of humor — a.k.a. my soulmate — videotaped his young son, high as Courtney Love, after a drug-filled trip to the dentist and shared the video with the world on Break.com.

Key quote: “Is this real life?”

A question I often ask myself.

Stoned Little Kid After Dentist Visit – Watch more Funny Videos

Yeah, something tells me this kid is going to start developing a LOT of phantom cavities in hopes of returning to Dr. Happy Gas.

Taga Stroller/Bike Combo Converts, Pushes, Rides, Fetches Martinis

May 17, 2009 | Filed Under: Babies,In the News,Kids | Tags: Cool Gadgets, Strollers

Helmet, Schmelmet

Introducing a baby stroller that may be ridden in almost as many positions as Paris Hilton on any given night:  the three-wheeled convertible Taga, described by makers as the ultimate “yummy mummy accessory.”

Well, wearing Ryan Reynolds on my arm may be a tad more yummy, but this is still pretty damn cool.

To help us burn calories and save fuel, the Taga converts into a child-carrying bicycle in just a few seconds.  Although, given my recent struggles in figuring out our new car seat and stroller, I’m guessing it would take a bumbling idiot like me longer than that.

Taga, which is available in red, green, orange or light-blue, is no joke:  it has been developed over the last four years by a team of international designers and safety engineers.  As you can see, kids are carried in forward-facing seats between the handlebars and are secured by a five-point harness, and mothers can apparently ride the contraption in five-mile-high wedges.

Of course, this may all be a moot point considering you’ll have to sell your first-born in order to afford it:  the Taga will set you back a whopping $2,500.  MILF not even included.

With thanks to Laughing Stork reader Rebecca for the heads up

Yearbook Photo Shows Teenage Girl Lacks Underwear, Any Semblance of Good Judgment

May 15, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Teens | Tags: Ah Memories, Teenagers Are Wise

I thought having five-feet-wide hair in MY yearbook photo was mortifying but, as kids continue to prove, things can always be worse…

A 16-year-old girl received her high school yearbook — yay! — only to discover her hoo hoo on full display — boo! — in one of the class pictures.

The teenager wisely did not wear underwear that day because she “didn’t want her panty lines to show.”  Excellent logic.  Oh, if only stores sold something called a “thong!”  If only.

The situation has been handled well by all involved…

No!  I kid!  The principal merely told the girl to “laugh it off”; the mother called the media to complain about her daughter’s vagina being published in the yearbook (coincidentally, yearbook sales have been through the roof!); and the girl is still patting herself on the back for avoiding panty lines.

Key quote from a supportive classmate:

“When I saw it, I kind of flipped out. I was like, ‘Oh my God’, but I think that she’s probably like really horrified,” said sophomore Caitlin Darden.

Like, totally.

The Laughing Stork sources say Sickles High School is considering changing its mascot to the beaver in honor of this event.

‘Emma’ Leapfrogs ‘Emily’ to Become Most Popular Girls Name

May 10, 2009 | Filed Under: Babies,In the News,Kids | Tags: Baby Names

In the heavyweight fight of baby names, 12-year reigning U.S. champion “Emily” has been toppled by “Emma,” the new number one name for girls in America.

WOW!  From “Emily” to “Emma.”  How… different.

“The girls names we see moving up most quickly tend to be quite feminine,” said “The Baby Name Bible” co-author Pam Satran, “names starting with a vowel and ending in ‘a.’ ”

According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular 10 names for baby daughters in 2008, in order, are:  Emma; Isabella; Emily; Madison; Ava; Olivia; Sophia; Abigail; Elizabeth; and Chloe.

Meanwhile, topping the boys list for 2008 is the usual “Jacob,” which has been the number one male moniker for 10 years.  In fact, not a single name in the boys’ top five changed positions: Jacob; Michael; Ethan; Joshua; and Daniel all kept their places from 2007.  Because we Americans are original like that.

“Barack” wasn’t exactly close to cracking the top 10; however, Social Security officials believe “Barack” did set a record, jumping from the 12,535th most popular name to become the 2,409th most popular.

I’m proud to note that “Candy” topped the list in a special sub-category of names:  Baby Girls Most Likely to Become Strippers.

Woo-hoo!

Mother of the Week Contender Supersizes Her Babies with McDonald’s Diet

Apr 28, 2009 | Filed Under: Babies,In the News,Kids | Tags: Mother of the Week

Ooohhh!  We have a Mother of the Week contender…

Introducing  Leanne Salt, a 420-pound British mom of eight-month-old triplets, who’s been feeding McDonald’s to her babies since they were six months old.

I’m no mommy expert yet, but aren’t you supposed to save the McNuggets for their seven-month birthday, followed by a bottle of Jack Daniels for their eight-month milestone?  That’s how my mama did it.

“They had chicken nuggets and chips, and loved it,” raves Leanne.  “They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that’s healthy.”

That’s true.  And if you suck the icing off cupcakes, they’re as healthy as broccoli!  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

The 24-year old, who blames her obesity on a thyroid problem (I’ll spare you my editorial commentary on that one), became pregnant after seeing her then-boyfriend for just four weeks.  Surprisingly, they have since split up.  So Leanne lives with her mother, wisely spending part of her government assistance on a 10-a-day cigarette habit.

Each of the 17-pound babies consumes around 1,300 calories a day, nearly double the recommended amount for their age.   But Leanne insists it’s all good:

“Babies are always hungry.  Sometimes it’s easier to give them food that’s already prepared. . . Anyway, they don’t always have junk food — sometimes I cook a microwave meal for them.  My babies are healthy.”

An average day’s menu for each of the babies:

5:30 a.m. — 8-oz. bottle of milk

8 a.m. — 8-oz. bottle of milk, plus a crumpet with butter

12 p.m. — Scrambled eggs on toast, instant mashed potatoes with spaghetti hoops (must be a British thing)

2 p.m. — A packet of Wotsits (ditto)

4 p.m. — A microwave lasagna or pie, which their mother chews so they can manage it (yes, she is part bird)

Bedtime — Another 8-oz. bottle of milk

We tried to reach her children’s arteries for comment, but they were too clogged to respond.

Continue Reading »

Pacifiers Gone Terribly, Terribly Wrong

Apr 23, 2009 | Filed Under: Babies,Kids | Tags: Pacifiers

My brother and sister are 13 and 11 years older than I am, respectively.  When my mom became pregnant with me — SURPRISE! — and told my siblings the news, they apparently laughed and said, “Yeah, right.”  So Mom cried.

Oops.

Eventually Dave and Angie got over their shock.  Last year, I believe?  (When they realized I would NOT stop attending family holiday get-togethers.)  And from what I can gather from old photo albums, they had WAY too much fun dressing me up in humiliating outfits, often accessorized with unflattering red-rimmed glasses.  The abuse I took, I tell ya.

Could have been worse, I suppose.  I’m just thankful they weren’t armed with these creepy-looking pacifiers I came across on the Web:

The Lisa Rinna Special.

Flavor Flav approves.  Now baby just needs a big clock around his neck, and Brigitte Nelson on his arm.

An orthodontist’s dream come true.

“I vant to suck your teat…”

Okay, I really wish I hadn’t posted this right before bedtime.  As if my pregnancy dreams weren’t weird enough…