Sex
Parents’ Sex Talk with Kids: Too Little, Too Late
Dec 7, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Kids,Parenting News,Sex,Teens
Sadly, this boy’s parents have NOT taught him that condoms are not intended for animal balloons
In news that just made millions of parents — and kids — groan with dread, a new study from Harvard reveals that parents are having the Sex Talk with their children way too late. Continue Reading »
Breaking Global News: ‘Smelly’ Germans, ‘Rough’ Americans Voted World’s Worst Lovers
Sep 30, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Sexy Time
Despite sexy attire, German men deemed bad lovers
In news sure to thrill German men, a new poll of 15,000 women has determined they are the worst lovers in the world. Yes, even worse than the British. Quite a claim to fame! Spanish men topped the survey as the best lovers (well, they topped something), followed by Brazilians and Italians.
Women Have Sex for All the Wrong Reasons
Sep 22, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Sexy Time
Men have sex because, well, they are men. We chicks, however, aren’t quite so easy to figure out, which is why researchers Cindy Meston and David Buss surveyed 1,006 females to see “why women have sex” — also, coincidentally, the name of their new book on the subject.
So what did the majority cite as their main reason to have sex…?
To persuade their men to do some housework. I kid you not.
“Hey, honey. You’re looking really sexy tonight. Whaddya say –”
“Only if you take out the trash.”
Some of the other reasons given in interviews, all equally romantic, include:
1. She’s alleviating boredom –- it gives her something to do. (That’s what Guitar Hero is for.)
2. She wants to relieve a stress headache or migraine. (If only there were a pill that could help with that lil’ problem…)
3. She’s trying to put an end to an argument. (So she really means it when she tells him to “stick it where the sun don’t shine.”)
4. She wants a better complexion. (I don’t even want to know what kind of facial these women are getting.)
5. She’s thanking her date for a nice dinner, a present, or spending a lot of money on her early on in the relationship. (*COUGH* HOOKER! *COUGH*)
6. She’s after a spiritual experience since sex is seen as “the closest thing to God.” (Explains why these women scream, “Oh God!“)
7. She’s refining her sexual skills. (Continuing Education Program! Good for them.)
8. She feels sorry for the guy. (Um, a pitying look will suffice.)
9. She likes that he has an extravagant lifestyle (Read: Sugar Daddy!)
10. She’s in a long-distance relationship and wants action now versus later. (That’s what The Rabbit is for.)
C’mon. Not a single one of these reasons involves alcohol?! Puh-lease. To quote a certain U.S. representative: LIAR(S)! All of ‘em.
Dealing with Kids’ Sexual Curiosity
Aug 31, 2009 | Filed Under: Featured,In the News,K-6,Kids,Sex
A young child’s expressed interest in sex and nudity can be uncomfortable for parents, to say the least; however, a new report from the American Academy of Pediatrics helps parents and doctors determine when such behavior is driven by normal curiosity and when abuse may be involved. Continue Reading »
Who’s Your Daddy?
Jun 18, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Freud Would Have a Field Day, Let's Talk About Sex
A new book, “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction,” claims that many couples are spicin’ things up in the bedroom with a little “Mommy” and “Daddy” name-calling.
Somewhere, Freud is nodding knowingly in his grave.
Married Couple Fined for Screaming Like Wild Banshees During Sex
Apr 19, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Marriage, Sssshhhh!
The Cartwrights give us the sexy eye
Caroline and Steve Cartwright are apparently putting the big “O” back in matrimony with their loud-ass screams of passion — so much so, that they’ve received an ASBO (Anti-Social Behavior Order), a UK civil order banning Caroline from making too much noise when doing the wild thang with her husband from now on.
They should also be fined for EEPN (Excessively Elegant Plastic Nightstands).
The police received 25 (!) complaints about the couple making loud sexy time. Even a partially deaf neighbor claimed she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the noise made by the couple. Oh, lady, that’s what prank calls and stink bombs are for!
Or, um, ear plugs.
Environmental Health officers eventually decided to take action and wired a neighbor’s apartment with a recording device, which revealed Caroline was indeed polluting the air with her dirty mouth. In addition to the ASBO — which I totally wish I could serve to my neighbor’s yappy chihuahuas — they were fined $300.
Caroline “The Screamer” Cartwright told the court she was not “making the noise on purpose,” adding that, “I can’t understand why people ask me to be quiet. It’s normal to me.”
Hey, if I had a hunk o’ sexy man like that tickling ME with his porn ‘stache, I’m not so sure I could muffle my delight either. Mmmm, mmmm.
Listen Up, Ladies: Guys Reveal Fave Mattress Moves!
Apr 12, 2009 | Filed Under: Sex | Tags: Cosmopolitan, Women's Magazines
If you’ve been too busy working and taking care of your family to GET busy, you’re in luck: that especially lusty member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, has published a CliffsNote’s guide to men’s “all-time favorite mattress moves.” That’s right, ALL-TIME FAVORITES!
Here’s what they — and I — had to say:
JAMIE: “I can’t be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.”
CANDY: If you close your eyes, a St. Bernard would be happy to the same. And won’t expect you to call in the morning.
DONNY: “When I lean in to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It’s tender yet sexy.”
CANDY: That’s your favorite move EVER? Hmmm. Your wife must be listening.
TY: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.”
CANDY: That’s interesting. When I glide my lips over the neck of a beer bottle, I always think — why am I sucking on this instead of the opening? Must be time for another Sam Adams!
JAKOB: “Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself.”
CANDY: Unfortunately, she forgot to ask if she was on speakerphone.
KEN: “The night after I got a big promotion, my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”
CANDY: Sadly, that was the last thing she said before suffering permanent lockjaw.
Sex Toy or Household Product?
Apr 12, 2009 | Filed Under: Sex | Tags: Sex Toy or Household Product
This post is rated PG-13 and Anti-Parents. Not suitable for children under 13 or my mom and dad.
With an acute case of Pregnancy Brain, I’ll admit I’m easily confused these days. However, I’ve always been befuddled by sex toys, as it’s often unclear to me whether they’re supposed to offer pleasure, blend my margaritas or clean my windows. So, being the thorough, dedicated reporter that I am, I decided to get my hands — and mind — dirty with an ongoing investigative report:
SEX TOY OR HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT?!
Let’s see if you can determine which of these are sex aids, and which are found in Target’s housewares and electronics aisles:
1. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?
1. ANSWER: UM… HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT. SORT OF.
This “Epidermits” toy is currently only a concept — and the freakiest thing I’ve seen since man babies. Apparently, a human-like tissue organism covers the robotic thing, which also runs on fuel cells for energy. In theory, you are supposed to be able to program it to move around and act as your kid’s companion.
Um, I think kids are better off with something less scary. Like knives.
2. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?
2. ANSWER: SEX TOY
The Mini-Max Waterproof Vibe Makeup Brush “doubles as a discreet massager” — offering a couple ways to put blush on those cheeks. Ba-da-bum.
3. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?
3. ANSWER: SEX TOY
No, the Pink Panther didn’t just cough up a hairball.
This is the “Dust Your Sweetie Feather Duster.” As you can see, it comes with a fluffy applicator and cotton candy-flavored powder for those who forgot to have a snack before sex.
