Because if ANYTHING is going to make boys wear a condom, it’s calling it “extra-small.”

“The result that shocked us concerned young boys who display apparently risky behavior,” said researcher Nancy Bodmer.  “They have more of a tendency not to protect themselves.  They do not have a very developed sexual knowledge. They do not understand the consequences of what they are doing and leave the young girls to take care of the consequences.”

This ignorance is also widely known as “Lil Wayne Syndrome.”

Bodmer said the results of the study suggest that early prevention makes sense.  True.  But common sense dictates it is the kids’ ignorance, not the size of the condoms, that’s the real problem.

A standard condom has a diameter of 2 inches; the Hotshot’s is 1.7 inches.  A spokeswoman for the condom company, Lamprecht AG, said England would be a “top priority” if they expanded abroad, especially since the U.K. has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in Europe. 

Jon Gosselin is, of course, also part of their target demographic for this product.

In a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the researchers wrote:

“It is rather irresponsible to claim the existence of an entity that has never been proven and pressurize women and men, too.   It’s fine to go looking for the G-spot but do not worry if you don’t find it.  It should not be the only focus. Everyone is different.”

“The study involved 900 pairs of identical and non-identical twins, with the expectation that identical twins would both report having a G-spot and in the same location. But, says the BBC, the pattern did not emerge.

The BBC also quotes sexologist Beverley Whipple, who helped popularize the G-spot idea, as saying the research was “flawed.”

And you KNOW the Italian team that found anatomical evidence of it two years ago are saying, “Of course the British can’t find it…”

Well, this should make you feel great about sending your kids to school… A Brooklyn high school is making headlines with its porn-inspired shenanigans  — Yes!  I just said “shenanigans!” I’m officially old!  — when two female teachers were caught “undressed” (and then some) in an empty classroom.

C’mon, educators.  At least have the decency to do it discreetly underneath the football field bleachers.  Geesh.

Shortly thereafter, a “sexting” relationship between fellow amorous teacher Allison Musacchio, 31, (above, left) and a one-time male student was also revealed.

What is this place… Hooters High?

The low-down on the two incidents:

While students were in the auditorium watching a talent show, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro were exercising their own special talents on each other when a janitor walked in.  [*CUE CHEESY PORN MUSIC*]  French teacher Mauro, 33, and Brito, 29, a MARRIED Spanish instructor, were removed from the classroom and sent to Education Department “rubber rooms” while they’re investigated for misconduct, sources said.

Not surprisingly, the episode is the talk of the school. Students even set up a Facebook group to discuss the shenanigans -– and it already has more than 500 fans. “Now you guys wished we installed cameras in our classrooms after all hmm?” wrote one student who needs to revisit Grammar 101.

Meanwhile, Musacchio is also under investigation because a female student spotted her ex-boyfriend’s number on the teacher’s cell phone. Officials allegedly uncovered more than 200 text messages and calls between the two and removed Musacchio from the classroom.  Prior to that alleged incident of impropriety, Musacchio was investigated for a “fling” with a former student — however, the incident was not further probed because the boy was of legal age to consent and no longer a student.

Yowza.  I can’t imagine any of my high school teachers having sexual relations of ANY kind, let alone with each other or with students.  Then again, in my distorted teenage memory, all of my teachers were at least ninety years old.

Sadly, this boy’s parents have NOT taught him that condoms are not intended for animal balloons

In news that just made millions of parents — and kids — groan with dread, a new study from Harvard reveals that parents are having the Sex Talk with their children way too late.  In fact, more than 40 percent of kids have intercourse before their parents talk to them about the deed.

Two thirds of boys in the study said they had not talked with a parent about how to use a condom before they started having sex.  (See:  Picture above.)

The results of the study are worrisome because experts say that kids who have discussions with their parents are more likely to delay having intercourse and to engage in safe sex when they eventually decide to take the step.

“The results didn’t surprise me,” Dr. Mark Schuster, one of the authors of the new study, published in Pediatrics, and chief of general pediatrics at Children’s Hospital Boston, told Time magazine. “But there’s something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents who are not talking to their kids about very important issues until later than we think would be best.”

The researchers interviewed parents and their children, age 13 to 17, separately, and asked them when they had discussions about 24 specific sex issues — from how women become pregnant (from sitting in hot tubs, duh) to how to use condoms and birth control.

According to Time magazine:

By the end of the study, more than half of the parents reported that they had not discussed 14 of the 24 sex-related topics by the time their adolescents had begun genital touching or oral sex with partners. Forty-two percent of girls reported that they had not discussed the effectiveness of birth control and 40% admitted they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex before engaging in genital touching. Nearly 70% of boys said they had not discussed how to use a condom or other birth-control methods with their parents before having intercourse. Yet only half of the boys’ parents, by contrast, said they had not discussed condom use or birth control with their sons.

Bottom line:  Initiate the dialogue, as appropriate, when your child is a pre-adolescent.  If you’re uncomfortable doing so, just pop a porn in the DVD player and ask your kid if he has any questions!  I’m sure nothing could go wrong with that approach.

Despite sexy attire, German men deemed bad lovers

In news sure to thrill German men, a new poll of 15,000 women has determined they are the worst lovers in the world.  Yes, even worse than the British.  Quite a claim to fame!  Spanish men topped the survey as the best lovers (well, they topped something), followed by Brazilians and Italians.

I can’t personally comment on their bedroom prowess or lack thereof, but I DO know German guys can and do drink a whole lotta beer.  Which, come to think of it, may explain their, um, limp standing in the poll.

Market research company OnePoll asked women from 20 countries to rate men from around the world on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

As it turns out, Germans were deemed to have bad body odor, Englishmen were accused of letting women do all the work, while Swedes were too quick to finish.

The latter is not surprising.  Swedish women are really hot.  Maybe the men should think about smelly German dudes to help prolong things a bit.

You know, the market research firm really didn’t need to go to the trouble of surveying 15,000 women.  Paris Hilton has been diligently working on this global survey for years!

WORLD’S WORST LOVERS:

1. Germany (too smelly)

2. England (too lazy)

3. Sweden (too quick)

4. Holland (too dominating)

5. America (too rough)  [Ed. note:  I blame "The Sopranos"!]

6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)

7. Wales (too selfish)

8. Scotland (too loud)

9. Turkey (too sweaty)

10. Russia (too hairy)

WORLD’S BEST LOVERS

1. Spain

2. Brazil

3. Italy

4. France

5. Ireland

6. South Africa

7. Australia

8. New Zealand

9. Denmark

10. Canada

So what did the majority cite as their main reason to have sex…?

To persuade their men to do some housework.  I kid you not.

“Hey, honey.  You’re looking really sexy tonight.  Whaddya say –”

“Only if you take out the trash.”

Some of the other reasons given in interviews, all equally romantic, include:

1. She’s alleviating boredom –- it gives her something to do.  (That’s what Guitar Hero is for.)

2. She wants to relieve a stress headache or migraine.  (If only there were a pill that could help with that lil’ problem…)

3. She’s trying to put an end to an argument.  (So she really means it when she tells him to “stick it where the sun don’t shine.”)

4. She wants a better complexion.  (I don’t even want to know what kind of facial these women are getting.)

5. She’s thanking her date for a nice dinner, a present, or spending a lot of money on her early on in the relationship.  (*COUGH*  HOOKER!  *COUGH*)

6. She’s after a spiritual experience since sex is seen as “the closest thing to God.”  (Explains why these women scream, “Oh God!“)

7. She’s refining her sexual skills.  (Continuing Education Program!  Good for them.)

8. She feels sorry for the guy.  (Um, a pitying look will suffice.)

9. She likes that he has an extravagant lifestyle (Read:  Sugar Daddy!)

10. She’s in a long-distance relationship and wants action now versus later.  (That’s what The Rabbit is for.)

C’mon.  Not a single one of these reasons involves alcohol?!  Puh-lease.  To quote a certain U.S. representative:  LIAR(S)!  All of ‘em.

Here’s the list of what the pediatricians say is normal, common sexual behavior in 2- to 6-year-olds:

• Touching/masturbating genitals in public or private
• Looking at or touching a peer’s or new sibling’s genitals
• Showing genitals to peers
• Standing or sitting too close to someone
• Trying to see peers or adults naked

Ah, I distinctly remember asking my mom to let me wear skirts to preschool every day.  She assumed I was a girly-girl.  But no…!  In actuality, I liked letting the boys look up my skirt on the jungle gym.  Little ho’.  But thankfully, a NORMAL little ho’!

Meanwhile, the pediatricians say that sexual behaviors like these are rarely normal and can signal physical or sexual abuse:

• Any sexual behaviors that involve children four or more years apart
• Different sexual behaviors displayed on a daily basis
• Sexual behavior that causes emotional or physical pain
• Sexual behavior associated with physical aggression
• Sexual behavior that involves coercion

If one of these red flags is detected, they should be further examined to see what may be happening in their homes or elsewhere in their lives.

And if you find your child doing THIS:

Congratulations!  This means he will go on to have a highly successful and lucrative career in sitcoms.

Somewhere, Freud is nodding knowingly in his grave.

It often starts accidentally, when one parent slips and calls the other “Mommy” or “Daddy” — even when the kids aren’t around.  Which seems to happen with most parents I know.  And, yes, has happened will likely happen with Mr. Candy and me, too.

Marie Melsheimer of Bend, Ore., says her husband always calls her “Mama,” even when referring to her in conversations with others.

“I find it rather endearing,” she said. “In the bedroom, it does come up sometimes, as in, ‘Aren’t you going to take care of The Daddy?’ ”

Makes her sound like a service station.  If the tune-up doesn’t go both ways, tell him to use self-serve!

Of course, you don’t actually have to be a parent to find the names sexy.

Jason Goldstein, a 24-year-old New Yorker, adopted the “Daddy” moniker in college.  He even asked his friends to call him by the nickname. When his current girlfriend realized it, “she was freaked out,” he recalled.

“She still hates it,” he said, but if she is in a very good mood, he gets “Daddy” during sex.

A lovely fact he shared with MSNBC.  My guess is “Daddy” won’t be getting much of ANYTHING from her anymore.

The Cartwrights give us the sexy eye

Caroline and Steve Cartwright are apparently putting the big “O” back in matrimony with their loud-ass screams of passion — so much so, that they’ve received an ASBO (Anti-Social Behavior Order), a UK civil order banning Caroline from making too much noise when doing the wild thang with her husband from now on.

They should also be fined for EEPN (Excessively Elegant Plastic Nightstands).

The police received 25 (!) complaints about the couple making loud sexy time.  Even a partially deaf neighbor claimed she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the noise made by the couple.  Oh, lady, that’s what prank calls and stink bombs are for!

Or, um, ear plugs.

Environmental Health officers eventually decided to take action and wired a neighbor’s apartment with a recording device, which revealed Caroline was indeed polluting the air with her dirty mouth.  In addition to the ASBO — which I totally wish I could serve to my neighbor’s yappy chihuahuas — they were fined $300.

Caroline “The Screamer” Cartwright told the court she was not “making the noise on purpose,” adding that, “I can’t understand why people ask me to be quiet.  It’s normal to me.”

Hey, if I had a hunk o’ sexy man like that tickling ME with his porn ’stache, I’m not so sure I could muffle my delight either.  Mmmm, mmmm.

If you’ve been too busy working and taking care of your family to GET busy, you’re in luck:  that especially lusty member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, has published a CliffsNote’s guide to men’s “all-time favorite mattress moves.”  That’s right, ALL-TIME FAVORITES!

Here’s what they — and I — had to say:

JAMIE: “I can’t be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.”

CANDY:  If you close your eyes, a St. Bernard would be happy to the same. And won’t expect you to call in the morning.

DONNY: “When I lean in to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It’s tender yet sexy.”

CANDY: That’s your favorite move EVER?   Hmmm.  Your wife must be listening.

TY: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.”

CANDY:  That’s interesting. When I glide my lips over the neck of a beer bottle, I always think — why am I sucking on this instead of the opening? Must be time for another Sam Adams!

JAKOB:  “Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself.”

CANDY:  Unfortunately, she forgot to ask if she was on speakerphone.

KEN: “The night after I got a big promotion, my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”

CANDY:  Sadly, that was the last thing she said before suffering permanent lockjaw.