Until I opened our mailbox and was accosted by something so wrong, so vile, so unbelievably horrifying, that I could remain silent on the topic no more.

It was a Parenting magazine.  With a big ol’ headline screaming in yellow font, “MAMA SUTRA… Hot tips for a more satisfying sex life.”

MAMA SUTRA, people!  Oh yes, they went there.  How long did it take their crack editorial team to come up with that?  Y’all know I am a sucker for a good, cheesy pun, but this was just too much.  Too much, I say!

Like a car wreck or the neighborhood drag queen who bikes around town in a sequin miniskirt and no underwear, I could not look away.  I opened the magazine for the very first time in my year-long subscription — I kid you not — and checked out these “hot tips.”  In fact, if you read any women’s publications, then you know that sex after baby is a SERIOUS issue, in that many women SERIOUSLY have no interest in it after popping out an eight-pound kid and being so exhausted that they have to snort lines of Red Bull just to remain upright.

I was one of those women.  (Hear that?  That’s the sound of Mr. Candy’s head going THUD on his desk.)

While my husband recovers from his concussion, let’s get back to Parenting‘s guide for a “more satisfying sex life” for a second.  To reclaim your mojo, moms, all you have to do is:  1) Kiss; 2) Do chores together, an activity the magazine deems CHOREPLAY; 3) “Touch base before touching boobs”; and 4) Wear pretty underwear.

CHOREPLAY!  The couple that scrubs toilets together, humps together!

Speaking from the perspective of a new mother, caressing a bottle of Windex together does not make me want to spread my legs.  I’m weird like that, I know.  The problem is, as soon as women get the six-week postpartum green-light from the doctor, the husband is all, WOO-HOO!  PARTY TIME! And, having read Parenting‘s handy guide, he dutifully breaks out his sexiest can of Lysol to get us in the mood.  But no…!  It’s not that simple.  Things are often still dry and painful and funky¹ down there.  Also, and this is an important, potentially marriage-saving point:  the Lysol could be construed as an offensive hint.  Put it away immediately, boys.

Not to mention that if a new mother is lucky enough to get a free moment, sex is not exactly foremost on her list of things to do.  She will want to hop in bed, yes, but she will want to hop in bed and sleep while her husband grumbles some gibberish about how he touched base but no boobs.   Poor guy.  For most men, sex trumps sleep, not understanding — or caring — that a woman’s body is designed, at its most primal level, to procreate.  An old-fashioned notion?  I don’t know.  We are animals, after all.   We get the urge most explicitly when we’re ovulating.  And after we’ve given birth, our bodies are generally hardwired to nurse and care for the baby.  Period.  Many new mothers are not interested in sex because, well, that’s just how our bodies work.

Oh, and did I mention the funkiness?²

In conducting research for this column, and by research I mean googling “sex after baby” (and reading some excessively detailed descriptions of postpartum vaginae³ that almost made me faint, I kid you not) I came across a number of parenting forums where brand-spanking-new mothers (emphasis on spanking) bragged about how their sex drives were stronger than ever, and how they and their husbands were doing it, like, five times a day… on the kitchen floor, in their baby’s swing, on top of the Diaper Genie… and to them I say, good for you, you freaks!  Because that’s the kind of magnanimous, not-at-all bitter person I am.

Without revealing too much for the sake of my marriage — I happen to truly love Mr. Candy and respect his privacy, and I haven’t even had a chance to take advantage of his United Airlines platinum status yet! — I will note that things, um, moved forward shortly after my six-week checkup, but it wasn’t until nine MONTHS after having the baby that I thought, Okay, NOW I can kind of get into this.

Do I know how to flatter a guy or what?

If I were to write a MAMA SUTRA guide, my recommendations would be simple:  1)  Tell your husband if he lets you sleep in, you’ll let him touch boobs!; and 2) Keep in mind that a glass or two of wine can whet more than your thirst.

Also, and this is another important, potentially marriage-saving point:  Be sure to never, ever ask your spouse if he’d like to engage in CHOREPLAY or MAMA SUTRA.  Yikes.  Those puns are enough to make you groan, all right.  Just not in the good way.

Okay, you can open your eyes now, Mr. Candy.  Mr. Candy…?

¹ A highly scientific medical term for What the hell is going ON down there?!

² Yes, it goes away.

³ Thank you, spell check.  To think I almost used the pedestrian spelling, vaginas!

It really is shocking… that “surf the Internet” wasn’t also on the list of preferred pastimes.

Two thousand American wives between the ages of 18 and 49 were surveyed about their sex lives by iVillage.   Oddly, 77 percent reported being “somewhat to extremely happy” with their sex life, BUT… 63 percent of them would still rather do just about anything else than have sexy time with their spouse.  Which must mean they are “extremely happy” with the sex, as long as they only have to have it annually.

I said ANNUALLY.  As in once a year.  Get your minds out of the gutter, people!

The survey also featured news that’s not all bad news for hubbies:   More than half of the women surveyed reported that they are married to “the best sex of their lives.”  The best… but not as good as “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” apparently.

We tried to reach the husbands for comment, but they were too busy frustratedly browsing online porn to respond.

Men around the world are all, we do NOT like the precedent this sets.

Michelle Thomas, 26, was arrested after police were called around 1AM to the couple’s house in the Texas town of Hudson.  The man told police his wife became angry with him after a romp in the sack left her unsatisfied — so she proceeded to grab a pair of scissors and begin slashing him.  Yikes.

Don’t mess with a woman’s orgasm, y’all.  She’ll cut you!

Thankfully, he “only” suffered superficial cuts to his chest, thumb and knee.  And in a surprising twist, alcohol was involved.   Which explains a lot… including his, um, less-than-rock-solid performance.

"Not now, hon. 'Real Housewives of Tibet' is on!"

Pandas are livin’ the dream:  spending up to 16 hours a day eating, eight hours a day sleeping, and almost zero hours moving.

Sounds like my college years.

Without the help of Viagra or beer goggles, however, most male pandas in captivity would rather lie around and chew bamboo than stand up and get it on. And who can blame them, really?  Sex, like, takes work!

“The mating time is generally not so long.  Sometimes several minutes.  The shortest may be 30 seconds,” said Zhang Zhihe, director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China. “If they don’t like the female’s personality or the females don’t like the male’s personality, they won’t mate. That’s the biggest reason why in captivity the mating is difficult.”

Thirty seconds to several minutes…?  Perhaps pandas and humans aren’t so different, after all.  (Just kidding, honey!)

Pandas are known to be isolated creatures and poor breeders, and in captivity the problem may be exacerbated.  Zhihe and his team have tried a number of measures to try to cure the male panda of his woefully low libido — including showing videos of fellow pandas making love.

Yes, that’s right — PANDA PORN!

In the privacy of their own cages, captive male pandas watch the sights and sounds of love-making on TV.  And, of course, the hope is that they’ll be aroused and want to mate (and won’t simply, um, honk their own horn, if you know what I mean — and, unfortunately, I think that you do).

“We’re sure the sound of the video will stimulate the panda and the males’ interest,” Zhihe said.

Along with watching porn, pandas are doing “sexercises,” or specialized exercises to strengthen the males’ hind legs and increase their stamina.  Scientists have found that the combination of porn, exercises, and the occasional ménage à trois — I guess Pandas really DO like to swing, and not just from trees — to get young male pandas curious about sex have proved successful.

Zhihe says that more than 60 percent of his pandas are now capable of having sex on their own — up from just 25 percent twenty years ago. This “boost” is surely due to high-quality videos such as Bearly Legal 12:  Spring Break Shanghai and Divine Secrets of Ya-Ya the Panda and Her Naughty Sisterhood.

Despite his authentic appearance, this man has no connection to seafaring folk

A popular British parenting site and forum called Mumsnet is getting called out for being oh-so-naughty after moms started posting fewer questions about proper pooping schedules and more (very graphic) requests for sex advice.   In fact, site publishers — mothers themselves — have been forced to delete dozens of “highly explicit” messages posted on the discussion boards after they were deemed pornographic.

That’s terrible!  Just terrible!  Um… where can I find this site again?  (You know, just to make sure they’re properly policing the site.  *Ahem*)

The best part of this story:  A quote from one member who revealed that her man likes making pirate noises during sex.  She wrote:

“Recently he has begun to put on a strange voice during sex – for example ‘Arr, matey.’  The other one is ‘Arr, the ship’s a-dockin’. and ‘My lighthouse is tingling.’  He is not a sailor by the way, and has no connection to seafaring folk.

Just wondering if I can say how uncomfortable this is making me feel.  It’s just weird, but it seems to be turning him on.”

One contributor suggested that the woman should offer to perform a “fantastic” sex act on her partner on condition that he then stopped being a pirate.

Or just give up your pirate’s booty, lady!

And, really — “My lighthouse is tingling”?  How can one NOT be turned on by that?

With thanks to Laughing Stork friend, Mark, for the story tip.

Because if ANYTHING is going to make boys wear a condom, it’s calling it “extra-small.”

“The result that shocked us concerned young boys who display apparently risky behavior,” said researcher Nancy Bodmer.  “They have more of a tendency not to protect themselves.  They do not have a very developed sexual knowledge. They do not understand the consequences of what they are doing and leave the young girls to take care of the consequences.”

This ignorance is also widely known as “Lil Wayne Syndrome.”

Bodmer said the results of the study suggest that early prevention makes sense.  True.  But common sense dictates it is the kids’ ignorance, not the size of the condoms, that’s the real problem.

A standard condom has a diameter of 2 inches; the Hotshot’s is 1.7 inches.  A spokeswoman for the condom company, Lamprecht AG, said England would be a “top priority” if they expanded abroad, especially since the U.K. has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in Europe. 

Jon Gosselin is, of course, also part of their target demographic for this product.

In a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the researchers wrote:

“It is rather irresponsible to claim the existence of an entity that has never been proven and pressurize women and men, too.   It’s fine to go looking for the G-spot but do not worry if you don’t find it.  It should not be the only focus. Everyone is different.”

“The study involved 900 pairs of identical and non-identical twins, with the expectation that identical twins would both report having a G-spot and in the same location. But, says the BBC, the pattern did not emerge.

The BBC also quotes sexologist Beverley Whipple, who helped popularize the G-spot idea, as saying the research was “flawed.”

And you KNOW the Italian team that found anatomical evidence of it two years ago are saying, “Of course the British can’t find it…”

Well, this should make you feel great about sending your kids to school… A Brooklyn high school is making headlines with its porn-inspired shenanigans  — Yes!  I just said “shenanigans!” I’m officially old!  — when two female teachers were caught “undressed” (and then some) in an empty classroom.

C’mon, educators.  At least have the decency to do it discreetly underneath the football field bleachers.  Geesh.

Shortly thereafter, a “sexting” relationship between fellow amorous teacher Allison Musacchio, 31, (above, left) and a one-time male student was also revealed.

What is this place… Hooters High?

The low-down on the two incidents:

While students were in the auditorium watching a talent show, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro were exercising their own special talents on each other when a janitor walked in.  [*CUE CHEESY PORN MUSIC*]  French teacher Mauro, 33, and Brito, 29, a MARRIED Spanish instructor, were removed from the classroom and sent to Education Department “rubber rooms” while they’re investigated for misconduct, sources said.

Not surprisingly, the episode is the talk of the school. Students even set up a Facebook group to discuss the shenanigans -– and it already has more than 500 fans. “Now you guys wished we installed cameras in our classrooms after all hmm?” wrote one student who needs to revisit Grammar 101.

Meanwhile, Musacchio is also under investigation because a female student spotted her ex-boyfriend’s number on the teacher’s cell phone. Officials allegedly uncovered more than 200 text messages and calls between the two and removed Musacchio from the classroom.  Prior to that alleged incident of impropriety, Musacchio was investigated for a “fling” with a former student — however, the incident was not further probed because the boy was of legal age to consent and no longer a student.

Yowza.  I can’t imagine any of my high school teachers having sexual relations of ANY kind, let alone with each other or with students.  Then again, in my distorted teenage memory, all of my teachers were at least ninety years old.

Sadly, this boy’s parents have NOT taught him that condoms are not intended for animal balloons

In news that just made millions of parents — and kids — groan with dread, a new study from Harvard reveals that parents are having the Sex Talk with their children way too late.  In fact, more than 40 percent of kids have intercourse before their parents talk to them about the deed.

Two thirds of boys in the study said they had not talked with a parent about how to use a condom before they started having sex.  (See:  Picture above.)

The results of the study are worrisome because experts say that kids who have discussions with their parents are more likely to delay having intercourse and to engage in safe sex when they eventually decide to take the step.

“The results didn’t surprise me,” Dr. Mark Schuster, one of the authors of the new study, published in Pediatrics, and chief of general pediatrics at Children’s Hospital Boston, told Time magazine. “But there’s something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents who are not talking to their kids about very important issues until later than we think would be best.”

The researchers interviewed parents and their children, age 13 to 17, separately, and asked them when they had discussions about 24 specific sex issues — from how women become pregnant (from sitting in hot tubs, duh) to how to use condoms and birth control.

According to Time magazine:

By the end of the study, more than half of the parents reported that they had not discussed 14 of the 24 sex-related topics by the time their adolescents had begun genital touching or oral sex with partners. Forty-two percent of girls reported that they had not discussed the effectiveness of birth control and 40% admitted they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex before engaging in genital touching. Nearly 70% of boys said they had not discussed how to use a condom or other birth-control methods with their parents before having intercourse. Yet only half of the boys’ parents, by contrast, said they had not discussed condom use or birth control with their sons.

Bottom line:  Initiate the dialogue, as appropriate, when your child is a pre-adolescent.  If you’re uncomfortable doing so, just pop a porn in the DVD player and ask your kid if he has any questions!  I’m sure nothing could go wrong with that approach.

Despite sexy attire, German men deemed bad lovers

In news sure to thrill German men, a new poll of 15,000 women has determined they are the worst lovers in the world.  Yes, even worse than the British.  Quite a claim to fame!  Spanish men topped the survey as the best lovers (well, they topped something), followed by Brazilians and Italians.

I can’t personally comment on their bedroom prowess or lack thereof, but I DO know German guys can and do drink a whole lotta beer.  Which, come to think of it, may explain their, um, limp standing in the poll.

Market research company OnePoll asked women from 20 countries to rate men from around the world on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

As it turns out, Germans were deemed to have bad body odor, Englishmen were accused of letting women do all the work, while Swedes were too quick to finish.

The latter is not surprising.  Swedish women are really hot.  Maybe the men should think about smelly German dudes to help prolong things a bit.

You know, the market research firm really didn’t need to go to the trouble of surveying 15,000 women.  Paris Hilton has been diligently working on this global survey for years!

WORLD’S WORST LOVERS:

1. Germany (too smelly)

2. England (too lazy)

3. Sweden (too quick)

4. Holland (too dominating)

5. America (too rough)  [Ed. note:  I blame "The Sopranos"!]

6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)

7. Wales (too selfish)

8. Scotland (too loud)

9. Turkey (too sweaty)

10. Russia (too hairy)

WORLD’S BEST LOVERS

1. Spain

2. Brazil

3. Italy

4. France

5. Ireland

6. South Africa

7. Australia

8. New Zealand

9. Denmark

10. Canada