Sex
Blame It on Mama Sutra
Jul 15, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Musings,Sex | Tags: Puns Galore, Sexy Time
Mr. Candy is a very easygoing guy. Just about anything I want to write about is fair game — except for sex. And how much I think his beloved Sixers stink (which I, the sensitive wife, would never publicly announce). Because not only do our friends and family read this column, but so do some of Mr. Candy’s colleagues and clients. A totally reasonable request on my husband’s part, and I’ve assured him that I would never, ever humiliate him by talking about sex in this here column.
Until I opened our mailbox and was accosted by something so wrong, so vile, so unbelievably horrifying, that I could remain silent on the topic no more.
It was a Parenting magazine. With a big ol’ headline screaming in yellow font, “MAMA SUTRA… Hot tips for a more satisfying sex life.”
MAMA SUTRA, people! Oh yes, they went there. How long did it take their crack editorial team to come up with that? Y’all know I am a sucker for a good, cheesy pun, but this was just too much. Too much, I say!
Like a car wreck or the neighborhood drag queen who bikes around town in a sequin miniskirt and no underwear, I could not look away. I opened the magazine for the very first time in my year-long subscription — I kid you not — and checked out these “hot tips.” In fact, if you read any women’s publications, then you know that sex after baby is a SERIOUS issue, in that many women SERIOUSLY have no interest in it after popping out an eight-pound kid and being so exhausted that they have to snort lines of Red Bull just to remain upright.
I was one of those women. (Hear that? That’s the sound of Mr. Candy’s head going THUD on his desk.)
While my husband recovers from his concussion, let’s get back to Parenting‘s guide for a “more satisfying sex life” for a second. To reclaim your mojo, moms, all you have to do is: 1) Kiss; 2) Do chores together, an activity the magazine deems CHOREPLAY; 3) “Touch base before touching boobs”; and 4) Wear pretty underwear.
CHOREPLAY! The couple that scrubs toilets together, humps together!
Speaking from the perspective of a new mother, caressing a bottle of Windex together does not make me want to spread my legs. I’m weird like that, I know. The problem is, as soon as women get the six-week postpartum green-light from the doctor, the husband is all, WOO-HOO! PARTY TIME! And, having read Parenting‘s handy guide, he dutifully breaks out his sexiest can of Lysol to get us in the mood. But no…! It’s not that simple. Things are often still dry and painful and funky1 down there. Also, and this is an important, potentially marriage-saving point: the Lysol could be construed as an offensive hint. Put it away immediately, boys.
Not to mention that if a new mother is lucky enough to get a free moment, sex is not exactly foremost on her list of things to do. She will want to hop in bed, yes, but she will want to hop in bed and sleep while her husband grumbles some gibberish about how he touched base but no boobs. Poor guy. For most men, sex trumps sleep, not understanding — or caring — that a woman’s body is designed, at its most primal level, to procreate. An old-fashioned notion? I don’t know. We are animals, after all. We get the urge most explicitly when we’re ovulating. And after we’ve given birth, our bodies are generally hardwired to nurse and care for the baby. Period. Many new mothers are not interested in sex because, well, that’s just how our bodies work.
Oh, and did I mention the funkiness?2
In conducting research for this column, and by research I mean googling “sex after baby” (and reading some excessively detailed descriptions of postpartum vaginae3 that almost made me faint, I kid you not) I came across a number of parenting forums where brand-spanking-new mothers (emphasis on spanking) bragged about how their sex drives were stronger than ever, and how they and their husbands were doing it, like, five times a day… on the kitchen floor, in their baby’s swing, on top of the Diaper Genie… and to them I say, good for you, you freaks! Because that’s the kind of magnanimous, not-at-all bitter person I am.
Without revealing too much for the sake of my marriage — I happen to truly love Mr. Candy and respect his privacy, and I haven’t even had a chance to take advantage of his United Airlines platinum status yet! — I will note that things, um, moved forward shortly after my six-week checkup, but it wasn’t until nine MONTHS after having the baby that I thought, Okay, NOW I can kind of get into this.
Do I know how to flatter a guy or what?
If I were to write a MAMA SUTRA guide, my recommendations would be simple: 1) Tell your husband if he lets you sleep in, you’ll let him touch boobs!; and 2) Keep in mind that a glass or two of wine can whet more than your thirst.
Also, and this is another important, potentially marriage-saving point: Be sure to never, ever ask your spouse if he’d like to engage in CHOREPLAY or MAMA SUTRA. Yikes. Those puns are enough to make you groan, all right. Just not in the good way.
Okay, you can open your eyes now, Mr. Candy. Mr. Candy…?
1 A highly scientific medical term for What the hell is going ON down there?!
2 Yes, it goes away.
3 Thank you, spell check. To think I almost used the pedestrian spelling, vaginas!
Breaking: Married Women Just Not That Into Sex
May 23, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Love & Marriage, Not Tonight Dear I'm Married, Sexy Time
A stunning and shocking and totally surprising study says that married women would rather read, watch a movie or sleep than have sex.
Woman Attacks Husband for Bad Sex
May 11, 2010 | Filed Under: Health & Beauty,In the News,Sex,Weird But True
When a lover is less than satisfying, most women do the mature thing and simply complain to friends behind their partner’s back the next day. Continue Reading »
‘Panda Porn’ to Boost Males’ Sex Drive, Keep Them Entertained While Wives Away on Business
May 4, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Animal Acts
"Not now, hon. 'Real Housewives of Tibet' is on!"
Pandas are livin’ the dream: spending up to 16 hours a day eating, eight hours a day sleeping, and almost zero hours moving.
Sounds like my college years.
Without the help of Viagra or beer goggles, however, most male pandas in captivity would rather lie around and chew bamboo than stand up and get it on. And who can blame them, really? Sex, like, takes work!
“The mating time is generally not so long. Sometimes several minutes. The shortest may be 30 seconds,” said Zhang Zhihe, director of Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China. “If they don’t like the female’s personality or the females don’t like the male’s personality, they won’t mate. That’s the biggest reason why in captivity the mating is difficult.”
Thirty seconds to several minutes…? Perhaps pandas and humans aren’t so different, after all. (Just kidding, honey!)
Pandas are known to be isolated creatures and poor breeders, and in captivity the problem may be exacerbated. Zhihe and his team have tried a number of measures to try to cure the male panda of his woefully low libido — including showing videos of fellow pandas making love.
Yes, that’s right — PANDA PORN!
In the privacy of their own cages, captive male pandas watch the sights and sounds of love-making on TV. And, of course, the hope is that they’ll be aroused and want to mate (and won’t simply, um, honk their own horn, if you know what I mean — and, unfortunately, I think that you do).
“We’re sure the sound of the video will stimulate the panda and the males’ interest,” Zhihe said.
Along with watching porn, pandas are doing “sexercises,” or specialized exercises to strengthen the males’ hind legs and increase their stamina. Scientists have found that the combination of porn, exercises, and the occasional ménage à trois — I guess Pandas really DO like to swing, and not just from trees — to get young male pandas curious about sex have proved successful.
Zhihe says that more than 60 percent of his pandas are now capable of having sex on their own — up from just 25 percent twenty years ago. This “boost” is surely due to high-quality videos such as Bearly Legal 12: Spring Break Shanghai and Divine Secrets of Ya-Ya the Panda and Her Naughty Sisterhood.
Parenting Site Forced to Censor ‘Pornographic’ Questions from, Um, Curious Moms
Mar 21, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Sexy Time
Despite his authentic appearance, this man has no connection to seafaring folk
A popular British parenting site and forum called Mumsnet is getting called out for being oh-so-naughty after moms started posting fewer questions about proper pooping schedules and more (very graphic) requests for sex advice. Continue Reading »
‘Extra Small’ Condoms for 12-Year-Olds Hit Shelves, Egos
Mar 4, 2010 | Filed Under: Health & Beauty,In the News,Kids,Sex,Teens
Several studies have revealed that adolescent boys aren’t putting on a Jimmy hat when having sex. So, in response to this problem, a major condom manufacturer in Switzerland has created “extra-small” condoms named the “Hotshot” for boys as young as 12 years old.
The G-Spot Exists Not, Say Researchers
Jan 6, 2010 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Sexy Time
Although millions of people have had fun searching for it, the G-spot erogenous zone may just be a myth encouraged by magazines and sex therapists, a British research team reports. Thus putting the G-spot up there on the shelf with the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.
Hot for Fellow Teacher
Dec 10, 2009 | Filed Under: In the News,Sex | Tags: Education
Well, this should make you feel great about sending your kids to school… A Brooklyn high school is making headlines with its porn-inspired shenanigans — Yes! I just said “shenanigans!” I’m officially old! — when two female teachers were caught “undressed” (and then some) in an empty classroom.
