Candy's Column
Mar 25, 2009
One of my many glamorous activities as a Hollywood writer is making trips to Target for fancy L.A. items such as cat litter and toilet paper. I made this very trek today, feeling rather good about myself because my black shirt and new True Religion maternity jeans camouflaged my bump bea-uuuu-ti-fully.
Amazing what a nice-fitting black [...]
Mar 24, 2009
I was born back in the olden days, before they gave regular ultrasounds to pregnant ladies and had fancy inventions like running water, so I know this 3D ultrasound of Baby Girl is going to blow my parents’ mind:
Sure blew my mind. Not that it takes much these days. Pregnancy Brain has left me with [...]
Mar 23, 2009
If the way we’ve raised our cats is any indication, Mr. Candy and I are going to be terrible parents.
Truly. It cannot be a good sign when you allow two overweight fluffballs to waddle into your house, sniff around and raise their Kitty Nation flag over your submissive heads. Our food is their food. Our [...]
Mar 22, 2009
“Oh my god, our daughter has such a pronounced labia!”
–Mr. Candy’s response to seeing the SECOND ultrasound in which our baby left no doubt about her gender
Mar 20, 2009
My heart starts pounding before my feet even hit the intimidating black platform. I hesitantly place a toe on it — then it dawns on me.
“Wait! Let me take off my shoes!” I tell the nurse standing beside the scale. She rolls her eyes impatiently.
Now, I am not an idiot. Not a COMPLETE idiot at [...]
Mar 17, 2009
“Here you go, ” the nurse smiles as she lays my baby girl in my waiting arms. “She’s a big one — thirty pounds!”
Say WHAT?!
I wake up with a start. Oh, just another crazy pregnancy dream. Of course. This one seemed so real, so vivid, that my vagina was actually weeping in fear and agony. [...]
Mar 16, 2009
The Laughing Stork is finally going to “officially” launch with a snazzy new design, expanded offerings, more frequent updates and a weekly video blog lampooning children’s programming and family reality shows within the next two weeks. Woo-hoo!
Don’t miss out. Get notified when the site launches and kept apprised of other news & announcements by signing [...]
Mar 16, 2009
“I hope the baby gets your brains and Candy’s looks.”
–Mr. Candy’s uncle’s reaction upon hearing the pregnancy news
