The Real Guide to Getting Your Baby to Sleep

Yup. That’s my boy.

Sleep, or lack thereof, is a very popular topic among new parents—right up there with poop and feeding habits—so it is no wonder there is a whole empire built around the business of getting babies to sleep. There are, however, some tips that you probably won’t find in any books or DVDs; if you happen to be at the end of your rope, here are some situations in which my children would almost always fall asleep.

The Jumperoo

It’s fun! It’s bouncy! It promotes alertness and exercise! It’s the least comfortable place in the world in which to sleep! So, naturally, my son would always fall asleep in it.  Every. Single. Time.

The Car Ride

It is no secret that the hum of the car is supposed to lull babies to sleep—but this is a twist on the classic trick. Ever notice that when you hope the baby will nap during a long car ride, that he will wait until you are just a minute away from your destination to actually fall asleep, so you will have to risk waking him up when taking him out of the car? My kids would do that without fail, to the point that I knew they were just messing me. My advice: Tell your baby “We’re almost there!” just a few seconds into your drive. You may think he can’t understand yet, but I guarantee the little guy will fall asleep immediately.

The Dad Hand-Off

After complaining to my husband that my daughter hadn’t slept for me all day or night—and happily handing her off to him, hoping he would finally get to feel my pain—she would once again mess with me by taking a three-hour nap for him the second I left the room. Invariably. Hmpf.

So just hand the kid to Dad! And when all else fails, there is always C-SPAN. The perfect sleep aid for people of all ages, really.

This was originally written for Disney’s BabyZone.com

Awesome Family Photo: They’re Bringing Sextuplets Back

The most amazing part of this photo is WHAT?

1)  That the mother is not hitting the father and screaming, “Hey, I SHOULD BE THE ONE NAPPING HERE!”

2)  They got six newborns to sleep at once without infusing their milk with Baby Ambien;

3)  That dad had the courage to pose like this without a single diaper in sight;

4)  That TLC — aka “The Multiples Network” — didn’t crash the photo shoot and demand they join their fall lineup;

5)  None of the above.  The most amazing part of this picture is _________________.

via Facebook

Sleep, or Something Like It


Mr. Candy wakes up with a start, looks over at me in utter panic.

“What?  What is it?  Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I growl.  “Just rolling over.”

Mr. Candy, who had already mentally packed my suitcase and mapped out the most direct path to the hospital, seems almost pissed that I woke him out of mere discomfort.  I, however, am secretly happy to have woken him up.  And may have even “accidentally” nudged him with my foot to make sure he did.  Welcome to my world, buddy!

Nothing in bed is easy these days.  Not sex (for the sake of my marriage and the lunch you just ate, I’ll refrain from sharing details, but let me just say it is NOT the ménage à trois that men dream of), not general relaxation and certainly not sleep.  There is no longer such a thing as a “comfortable” position (I’m talking about SLEEP, people!), so I settle for “kinda tolerable” as I grab most of the comforter and tuck it under my big belly.  To make matters worse, our cats rule the household — nay, they rule US — so when Marcy joins us and promptly claims half of the bed as her own, we do not reposition her or remove her from the bed like normal people.  No, no, we contort our bodies to accommodate her Fluffy Highness, with Mr. Candy’s knee planted firmly on my rear and my leg dangling from the bed.  As we did last night.

Which explains my lovely mood today.

“MOVE, bitch!  Get out my way!” I screamed at a fellow walker on Santa Monica Boulevard this morning.  Thankfully, the woman obligingly scooted herself and her walker to the side so I could get by.  I’d hate to have to open up a can of pregnant whoop ass on an elderly slowpoke.  But, hey, that’s how we exhausted baby mamas roll.

Based on conversations I’ve had with other ladies in their third trimester, I’m actually lucky to get as much sleep I do, about six hours a night.  However, the quality of sleep is quickly declining and the dreams are getting more off-putting.  My dreams of giving birth to talking 30-pound toddlers have given way to a recurring (and less interesting) one in which I am about to graduate from college, only to realize I don’t have enough credits to graduate.   Like, omigod!   As much as I cherish sleep these days, I am ALWAYS beyond relieved to wake up.  I’ve consulted with world-renowned psychiatrist, Dr. Google, to see what this means.  He claims this dream often accompanies a rite-of-passage in waking life — and that I may not feel “adequately credentialed” for this new phase.

Well, duh.  Kegs, I know how to tap.  But babies…?  I have NO idea how many cups of beer they can pour.