Tag - Toddlers & Tiaras

Oh Boy: Honey Boo Boo Scores Toddlers & Tiaras Spin-Off

PageantMom-teaser

If a dolla’ makes pageant queen Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson holla’, then we’re about to find out what a bunch of TLC cash makes her do…

Yes, this August, the 6-year-old Toddlers & Tiaras star will appear in her own spinoff, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Consisting of six half-hour episodes, the new series will give viewers “an inside look into Alana’s world,” the network says in a statement.

Because that’s just what these pageant moms need:  more cash incentive, fame and encouragement.

Honey Boo Boo “proves that she is more than just a Go-Go Juice-drinking beauty queen,” the statement continues. “When she’s not chasing after crowns, Alana’s with her family in rural Georgia doing what her family does best: four-wheeling through mud pits and picking up road kill for the family cookout.”

And if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see some more of her mom’s killer dance moves:

Honey Boo Boo?  More like oh, Honey, No No.

Clip of the Day: Toddlers & Tiaras’ Contestant Represents Africa…By Looking Like a Real Housewife of Atlanta

If Toddlers & Tiaras is known for anything, it’s the education offered to contestants and viewers.  (Seriously, I had no idea what a “flipper” was until I watched this show.  My IQ has increased ten-fold!)  With its impressive educational bent, it’s no surprise that in last night’s episode featuring the “America’s Genuine Jewel” pageant that there was a “World Wear” competition, in which the girls picked a country to represent with their ensembles and routines.  I mean, just behold the historical accuracy of eight-year-old Damitri’ana’s performance representing Africa, for which she “was gonna look like a Real Housewife of Atlanta” and do “flips” and “lots of stuff,” as she believes Africans do.

“It was definitely different,” noted one judge.


Later, Damitri’ana’s mom Quiana defended her daughter’s costume. “It does have feathers,” she said, “and in Africa that’s what they wore if you watch [INSERT AIR QUOTE] ‘History’ [END AIR QUOTE]!”

Hard to argue with a “history” watcher.

Candy’s CliffsNotes: Toddlers & Tiaras’ Darling Divas Pageant

paisley-toddlers-tiaras

Need a Toddlers & Tiaras run-down in a hurry? Candy’s CliffsNotes™ are the fast, free way to get the scoop!  Up this week:  the Darling Divas pageant in Brooklyn.

CHARACTER ANALYSIS

Paisley

This three-year-old contestant is a thrill-seeker, driving a plastic car on-stage and wearing a tear-away skirt for her Lady Gaga routine, as well as going to great lengths to extract a booger buried deep in her nose, which she subsequently wiped on her shirt.

Wendy

Paisley’s mom, Wendy, represents fearlessness, the parent who is not afraid to push boundaries with prostitute-inspired clothing for her three-year-old.  Wendy embraces every morsel of inappropriateness from the beginning of the show, admitting she “loves living vicariously through her three-year-old daughter” and is pleased the Pretty Woman backlash made her child more famous.

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Toddlers and Tiaras’ Clip of the Day: “I Ain’t Never Seen Shirley Temple Like That Before!”

Pint-sized hopefuls — and their completely sane moms — vied for a $10,000 prize (yeah, count those zeros again) at the Universal Royalty Hollywood pageant on last night’s Toddlers & Tiaras, with the big bucks bringing out an extra dose of crazy for our entertainment-slash-horror.

Behold the Battle of Shirley Temples, in which Mia’s mom (who is also convinced the pageant director is sabotaging her daughter) fumes over another little girl’s attention-grabbing interpretation that includes less “Good Ship Lollipop,” more “HOLY COW, THAT KID IS DROPPIN’ IT LIKE IT’S HOT.”

I suppose we should just be grateful Kayla’s mom didn’t teach her how to “work” that lollipop, too.

Great, now I’ve given them an idea for the next pageant. Darn! I was feel stupid.

Toddlers & Tiaras’ “Lollipops & Gumdrops” Pageant Recap: The Return of “Famous” Mackenzie

shangela

Welcome to another installment of The Laughing Stork’s Toddlers & Tiaras recaps!  This week we’re joining contestants on their journey to the Lollipops & Gumdrops Pageant in Texas, where the pageant director helps us, um, get a taste of what’s to come:

“Move over, Pixy Stix,” the director purrs.  “Glitz never tasted so good.”

I don’t even want to KNOW how long she worked on coming up with that line.

THE PLAYERS:

Crying she can feel the claws of the kitten she was just torturing, er.... playing with

Mackenzie, 6, from Montgomery, Louisiana

The scoop:  You just might remember Mackenzie from her last appearance on the show, where she gained instant infamy for her, um, “independent thinking” and affection for her “ni-ni,” with quotes such as,”Where’d My Ni-Ni Goooooo?!,” screamed at a volume level audible to people in Uruguay.  Since that most memorable appearance (which also sparked quite a dialogue here), Mackenzie has been on Anderson Cooper’s talk show and in People magazine, as well as spoofed by Ashley Tisdale on Funny or Die.  But don’t worry, folks!  All of this attention hasn’t gone to the little girl’s head…

“I’m Mackenzie, I’m six, and I’m famous,” Mackenzie boasts matter-of-factly.

Lest you question her fame, the pageant director finishes making love to her lollipop long enough to wax poetic about Mackenzie’s popularity:

“I know Mackenzie has so many fans her name is tweeting on Twitter,” she says. “That’s big time when you can get … whatever that’s called, you know?”

Indeed.

This week’s highlights:  Despite her crushing loss at the last pageant, Mackenzie is as cooperative as ever, complaining about her fake eyelashes — “MY EYES ARE SORE!” — and her hair — “FEELS LIKE NEEDLES IN MY HEAD!” and refusing to practice.   “I WANT MY NI-NI!” the distressed six-year-old cries for her pacifier.  Meanwhile, her mom retains total control of the situation by smiling complacently.

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Toddlers & Tiaras “Precious Moments” Pageant Recap: “A Dolla’ Makes Me Holla’, Honey Boo-Boo!”

PageantMom-teaser

Time to prepare for Georgia’s Precious Moments Pageant!  A glimpse at last year’s winner:

A beauty, for sure, but overdid it with the spray tan.

:01 – We meet June, mom of six-year-old Alana and the self-proclaimed “The Coupon Queen.”  Yes, June is into “extreme couponing” — the only way they can afford to enter pageants, which have cost the family eight or nine-thousand-dollars so far.  Yeah. VERY extreme couponing.

“Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me,” drawls Alana.  “Honey boo-boo child!”

She had me at “honey boo-boo.”

:03 – “You gotta practice.  Them girls practice every day.  You wanna win?” asks the mom of Laci, 8.  Apparently, Laci isn’t too worried about her chances because she says she’s “all that and a bag of chips.”  (Now we know Laci’s pageant talent:  time-traveling back to the ’90s when people said “all that and a bag of chips.”)  In fact, the humble child is confident she’s better than all the other girls. “Because I’m sassy,” Laci purrs — followed by a lioness roar.
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Clip of the Day: “Princess Means That You’re a Loser” — Good-Spirited Toddlers & Tiaras Pageant Mom

I watched last week’s Toddlers & Tiaras: Island of Dreams Pageant with dismay — not because of the pushy grandmother who seems to think pageants are more important than presidential elections or the parents who used a paint roller to darken their child to a lovely shade of poop, but because there was nothing particularly outlandish or novel to chronicle in my show recap.   Same flippers, different week.

So there I was, sucking down a gingerbread martini and laughing at all the little girls falling down on their tutu’d, diapered behinds on stage (yes, apparently Kahlua imbues me with the maturity and sensitivity of a 12-year-old boy), when a savior appeared…

Meet Kelly, mother of 23-month-old Natalie, who provides the only real clip worth watching from last week’s episode.  I think we can all learn something about losing with dignity from Kelly.

Most inspiring quote of the show:  “Why would I stay after you tell my daughter she’s a loser? She got f*cking princess. It’s a f*cking joke. This is a JOKE. JOKE, JOKE, JOKE.”

Most unexpected plot twist of the show: When Kelly looks like an even bigger loser because her daughter is crowned Novice Supreme, after all — and she is outside pouting and dropping F-bombs when they are called on-stage. D’oh.

Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Merry Glitzmas to All and to All a Drag Queen-Inspired Night

Crystal

If you were hoping for some spray-tanned, pint-sized pageant queens — and kings! — on your television this holiday season (because, really, what embodies Christmas better than fake eyelashes on toddlers and hot pants on fourth graders?), you’re in luck!  Last night TLC kicked off its fifth season of Toddlers & Tiaras with a very special look at the full-glitz Southern Celebrity Glitzmas (see what they did there?) pageant in New Jersey.  And if you missed all the fun, you’re still in luck because I just so happen to have the in-depth play-by-play for you:

:02 – We open with pageant mom Katie, who tells us that when she found out she was having a boy, she was “quite upset” because she “actually had the kids so we could do the pageants.”  A reason as touching as having children for the tax breaks!  But never fear:  Katie soon discovered boys can compete in pageants, too.

Meet Bob, 6, and 5-year-old sister Riley.

:03 — “Bob went through a period where he did wear dresses.  And insisted he was a girl for quite some time,” confides his mom.  “Well, we just went with it.”

I’m sure the forums are going nuts over that bit of information and people can say what they want, but I’ll tell you this:  that boy can pull off a white top hat, in a way nobody has since Flavor Flav in ’09:

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Rock Star Divas and Dolls Pageant: What I Learned from This Week’s “Toddlers & Tiaras”

Olivia

A few parenting and life lessons I gleaned from this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras’ exploration of the “South Georgia-style glitz pageant,” Rock Star Diva and Dolls:

Olivia: "Dominant," not psycho

1.  If your three-year-old calls you a “crazy fool,” says she doesn’t like you, elbows you and repeatedly tries to stab your hand with a fork, it’s all good!  No need to discipline or point out that she is exhibiting the kind of behavior that would even make Snooki cringe.  Because it’s “still kind of cutesy at this point” and “just a way to show other kids she’s dominant.”  PHEW!

Dale, the self-proclaimed "Diva Dad"

2.  Just because you’re a 40-something father doesn’t mean you should give up your dreams of being a pretty princess.

At the auto body shop. Two-year-old Peyton has been getting spray tans since she was 11 months old. No word on why she started so late.

3. Auto body shops apparently offer free toddler spray tans with every oil change!  (It was only a matter of time until car shops jumped on this natural business expansion.)

4.  Bubbles, Olivia’s dyed-purple horse, needs a new agent.  And possibly a ticket into the witness protection program.

5.  Avoid local pageants, advises Olivia’s mom, because those judges are nicer to the kids/contestants who “have cancer and stuff.”  Ugh.  SO UNFAIR.

"There's a girl here using her REAL teeth. BWA-HA-HAAAAA! We'll crush her!"

6. Being the dad who spies and reports on the competition with a walkie-talkie isn’t creepy at all!

More “Toddlers & Tiaras” recaps…

Clip of the Day: Important Life Lessons for Toddlers & Tiara’s Ashley-Noelle

Just when you were ready to dismiss the pageantry world of Toddlers & Tiaras as an unhealthy, superficial environment for kids, contestant Ashley-Noelle’s mom shows us it is about WAY more than that — it is also about teaching her two-year-old daughter how to keep a husband with a hot wardrobe and waxed body hair.

Lesson learned:  No man is going to love you with those bushy eyebrows, girly.

Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: OMG, IT’S EDEN WOOD!

Cupcake

Time to grab our biggest hair pieces and spray tan machines as we enter the full-glitz Southern Celebrity Ohio pageant on this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras

:02 – Mercedes, 3, “is known as a firecracker,” according to her mom.  (Pageant Mom-to-English translation:  Bossy little sucker.)  Drama already abounds as yesterday’s chocolate milk manifests itself on the firecracker’s cheek.  Yes!  She has a pimple.  Right before the pageant!  But Mercedes is not worried:

“Queens can have pimples,” Mercedes informs us.

We also learn that Mercedes’ mom has modest expectations:  “We do hope that she becomes famous.”  Well, if anything is going to help her become the next Meryl Streep, I’m sure it’s the Southern Celebrity Ohio pageant.

:03 — We meet 8-year-old Tiffany.  Right off the bat, it is clear humility is not her strong suit: “I’m gonna beat them glitz girls at their own game,” Tiffany sniffs.

Or her mom’s:  “She’s a very big deal in national pageants,” Tiffany’s mom declares with the charisma of a tomato.  However, this pageant is not like the others, as we learn they are worried about the “big name contestants” rumored to be appearing, such as 4–year-old Eden Wood, who apparently is the Tiger Woods of the pageantry world.  Minus Rachel Uchitel and the wronged hot Swedish ex-wife.

:04 – Isabella, 7, is not your typical pageant girl, she exclaims with a dramatic wave.  I may not win all of the pageants, she tells us, “but I always try my best.”  A disappointingly healthy attitude.  Turns out, Isabella is worried about that pint-sized pageant dominatrix Eden Wood as well.   “Eden’s going to a party because somebody’s written a book about her,” Isabella notes with awe.

:07 – Full-glitz pageants ain’t cheap.  In fact, Tiffany’s dad says they had to use their entire tax refund to keep Tiffany in excessive eye shadow and glitter.  But seeing your 8-year-old child sparkle in more makeup than a drag queen…?  Priceless.

:11 – Cuteness overload alert:  Mercedes thinks she looks like a “sock star” with all of her makeup.  (In her defense, Ozzy Osbourne is about as coherent as a sock.)

:12 – Mercedes’ mom confides that she and her husband take anti-anxiety meds the day of the pageant to keep them calm.  *Sigh*  Whatever happened to the good ol’ days of teaching our kids — by example — to cope with anxiety in a healthy way (e.g., a bourbon-filled flask)?

:13 – Tiffany gets her nails done and eyebrows waxed.

Tiffany distracts herself from the pain with dreams of tiaras and a dethroned Eden Wood

:13 — In an aside, Tiffany’s mom admits her daughter will go over to another competitor and pull off her crown if she thinks she doesn’t deserve it.  Tiffany will then helpfully inform the winner, “that’s my crown.”   (See also:  Gracious Loser.)

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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: “I Prayed and Prayed and Prayed That God Would Give Me a Miss America…”

marylittleland

Break out your fake eyelashes and flippers, y’all, and join us in the world of the Fancy Faces pageant in Oklahoma…

:01 — Todd James, the pageant emcee, tells us the pageant is about “bringing glitz back to Oklahoma!”  Finally!  A long-awaited end to Oklahoma’s glitz drought.

:01 – We meet SamiJo, an ol’ pageant pro at the wizened age of 15 months.   Her mother Tricia shares just how, um, dedicated she is:

“I decided to put SamiJo in pageants because that’s the whole reason I wanted to have a daughter,” Tricia states matter-of-factly.

Well, why ELSE would you get pregnant?  Duh.  And Tricia’s winning attitude doesn’t end there:

“When I found out she was a girl, I wanted to name her America.  I wanted her name to be Miss America.”

Suddenly, “SamiJo” doesn’t sound so bad.

:03 – Bubbly redhead Jaclynn, 4,  looks at the camera.  “I love pageants,” she coos with a wink.  Then we meet Jaclynn’s family, who has a passion for… yodeling.  And… yet more yodeling.  And… [PUT TV ON MUTE FOR NEXT MINUTE, THEN:]  “We’re a great pageant family,” Jaclynn’s wide-eyed step-mom declares enthusiastically, as we learn Jaclynn’s teenage step-sister Mercedes is a seasoned pageant competitor, as well as Jaclynn’s coach and biggest supporter.  Perhaps it’s just all the yodeling clouding my head, but this family actually appears kind of sweet and down-to-earth.

CUT TO:  A touching aside with little Jaclynn.

“I love pageants and I want to win money,” Jaclynn exclaims, adding with a conspiratorial whisper: “I’m gonna win a thousand bucks!”

Okay, so they did seem down-to-earth.  I swear.

:04 – Introducing 5-year-old Alexis, who has humble aspirations:  “When I grow up, I want to be a singer, a star, a movie star, a director and, best of all, an artist.”

:06 – We learn SamiJo’s family runs a turtle farm, with the turtles bought and used for “Indian artifacts and food.”  Darn it, I wish they hadn’t mentioned that!  Now I have a hankering for turtle casserole.

But no time for turtle delicacies now!  Because 15-month-old SamiJo is clearly in this pageant to win, having splashed out money on a PAGEANT COACH.  Meanwhile, SamiJo’s clearly stable mom continues her campaign for Mother of the Year:

“I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give me a Miss America… When I found out I was having a third boy, I became depressed.  Having SamiJo was a dream come true.  I couldn’t have pre-ordered a better baby.”

:07 – Alexis’ mom coaches her daughter, instructing her to be “sharper on her ‘pretty hands’.”  (Fancy pageant term for “wave.”)  Alexis takes the criticism well, starts banging her head against the wall.

“Stop it!  I don’t want that shit on national television.  Thank you,”  Alexis’ mom grumbles as she carries a crying Alexis out of the room.

Welcome to my world, Alexis’ dad sighs with his eyes.  (Yes!  I’m a professional eye reader.)

:13 – We get to witness the coaching expertise of Jaclynn’s stepsister Mercedes and stepmother.

Ummmm…

My sentiments exactly, Jaclynn.

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