Tag - Television

How Life on ‘Orange is the New Black’ is Easier than Life as a Mom

My nights used to end with me collapsing into bed after one too many tequila shots.  Now…?  They end with me collapsing into bed after two exhausting bedtime routines, followed by a binge-watching session of Orange is the New Black.  While I watch the lovely ladies of prison deal with their daily struggles, I can’t help but think…

You know, in some ways, life on Orange is the New Black is easier than life as a mom.

For example:

7. Meals are not only cooked for you, but they are served to you.

6. No judgment for wearing elastic waistband pants.

5. When somebody throws a tantrum, no need to deal with it — just let the guards put them in solitary, er… a time-out.

4. Actually have a 1 out of 3 chance of getting to pee by yourself with the door closed.

3. Low expectations in the beauty and grooming department.

2. Thin bed mattress is more comfortable than floor of baby’s room while trying to soothe teething infant.

1. Okay, sure, there is still somebody peeing on your floor — but at least it only happens once!

“Modern Family” Wisdom: 10 Phil-isms to Live By

phil-modern-familyIt’s that time of year when we welcome the best season of all; I am, of course, talking about the Fall TV season.  Woo-hoo!  To get us properly excited about tonight’s premiere of one of my favorite shows, Modern Family, I’ve rounded up the top 10 “Phil-isms” to live by:

 

  1. “Always keep the rhythm in your feet and a little party in your shoulders.”
  2. “When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like ‘Whaaat?!’”
  3. “If you love something, set it free… unless it’s a tiger.”
  4. “I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I’m one of them. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up a stripper.”
  5. “I’ve always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, I’ve succeeded as a dad.”
  6. “The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you, if you just lower your expectations”
  7. “Claire likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution.’ But, I happen to believe you can be both.”
  8. “I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ’em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah I am pretty much not afraid of anything.”
  9. “Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind. Just say ‘I’m looking you in the eye.’”
  10. “A Realtor’s just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere. But not me. I’m completely clueless.”

C’mon, Let’s Tweet to Help Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals!

I now interrupt your regular programming of family-related absurdity to let you know about something near and dear to my heart…

While conducting behind-the-scenes interviews for the ABC game show Bet on Your Baby, I was lucky enough to get to chat with 5-year-old Joshua Miller and hear how Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals has helped him. Joshua was born with challenges associated with a condition called Werner Mesomelic Dysplasia with Hirschsprung Disease, caused by genetic mutations. He has undergone multiple surgeries on his heart and limbs, and his feet were amputated when he was a toddler, so he relies on artificial legs. He’s also incredibly bright and was seriously 10 times more agile and gregarious than anyone else in the room. Such a beautiful spirit and inspiration.

To help other kids like Joshua, be sure to join me (@CandyKirby) and other wise-cracking moms on Twitter on Saturday from 8-9 ET, where we’ll be live-Tweeting “Bet on Your Baby” on ABC (Joshua makes an appearance!  And, oh my, he is such a ham!) and chatting about the sillier side of parenthood (as we’re prone to do) — and, for every Tweet we generate, Luvs will donate one diaper to the Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals.   Just use the hashtag #LuvsBOYB.  So we’ll be laughing and Tweeting for a great cause!

The other funny moms joining our Twitter par-tay are @snarkymommy @mamabirddiaries @annsrants @nodomesticdiva @robinobryant.

Hope to chat with y’all then!

Hugs, kisses and tweets,

Candy

My Behind-the-Scenes Coverage of the ABC Game Show ‘Bet on Your Baby’

One of the many, many glamorous perks of my job as a parenting humor blogger — besides getting to work from home and spill pasta sauce on my shirt without anyone noticing — is getting opportunities to work on other, fun projects. So when Luvs asked if I would do some behind-the-scenes coverage of the ABC game show they’re sponsoring, BET ON YOUR BABY, I did what any other parenting blogger would immediately do: wipe the sauce off my shirt and say, “Heck, yeah!”

A sneak peek into my time on the set:

If you’re not lucky enough to be familiar with the show, this is the second season of BET ON YOUR BABY. Hosted by the hilarious Melissa Peterman of Reba and Baby Daddy fame, the game show showcases the playfulness and the unpredictability of parenthood — to which we can all relate — as parents attempt to predict their child’s next move. Running on Saturday nights at 8p/7c on ABC from May 31st through July 19th, each show features four families with toddlers between the ages of two and five years old.  They’re competing for something we could all use: the chance to win $50,000 towards a college fund for their child.  But never fear, Luvs will also provide free Luvs diapers for a year to every family that does not make it to the final college round.

And if that isn’t enough to pique your interest…? There’s also pig smashing:

Yeah, um, more on that later.

I’ll be live-Tweeting the West Coast airing of BET ON YOUR BABY on Saturday at 8PM, so be sure to join me, @CandyKirby, using the hashtag #LuvsBOYB.  Not only will you get a chance to chat with me and ask for pig-smashing technique pointers, but you’ll also get the opportunity to play along at home by casting votes via Twitter on the outcomes of challenges. Poll results will actually be displayed in real-time during the show. Pretty cool.

One last bonus: my behind-the-scenes coverage features me wearing more make-up than I’ve ever worn before in my life. Collectively.

Candy-MakeUp

When I showed this picture to my four-year-old daughter Skylar, she said, “You look beautiful, Mommy! Can you make yourself look like that again?”

Ah, preschooler “compliments.”

One more time because I’m a mom and used to repeating myself: Join me on Twitter (@CandyKirby) Saturday at 8PST to chat about ABC’s adorable game show BET ON YOUR BABY

Blind Gossip Item About a “Special” Disney Star

Which “special” star of a Disney Junior show is famous for his tips about healthy eating and exercise, yet has been known to inhale two Double Whoppers as a SNACK in between takes?  Sources say he gets winded just walking from his trailer to the set, and wears just a vest because it’s the only thing that fits him.

5 Things I Learned from The Season 2 Premiere of “The Mindy Project”

I really wanted to like The Mindy Project.  It’s all about Mindy Kaling!  I love her!  I loved her on The Office!  I love to support funny ladies!  I love rom-coms and television — what a delicious pairing this will be!  But after I watched the show’s premiere last year, I was all… meh.  Then I deleted it from my already-overflowing DVR recordings and proceeded to watch five minutes here, five minutes there throughout the season without ever giving it much further thought.  Because I approach my television viewing much like I approach sex since becoming a mom:  If I stay awake to do this, is it really going to be more pleasurable than sleep?  And most exhausted mothers out there know what that answer usually is.  (Sorry, Mr. Candy.  Zzzzzz.)

However, the kids have been sleeping in later (can I get a hallelujah?) so I’ve been feeling more refreshed lately (this is where Mr. Candy shouts “HALLELUJAH!”).  Which means I’m also ready to give The Mindy Project another shot.  It just so happens that Fox posted an early preview of Mindy‘s second season premiere online — one week before its Sept. 17 broadcast debut. The episode — titled “All My Problems Solved Forever” — follows Mindy to Haiti, where she’s struck by a sudden ailment. It also features a guest turn by the seemingly ubiquitous James Franco as Dr. Paul Leotard, whose name pretty much says it all.

Here are the top 5 things I learned from the season 2 premiere of The Mindy Project:

1.  As we can see from this hair-chop, er…cut (just a wig, but a permanent style for the character), Mindy learned nothing from Felicity‘s mistakes.

2.  Watching James Franco’s sperm dance to ’70s porn music is oddly mesmerizing.

3.  Yeah, I would totally buy the “James Franco’s Disco Sperm” iPad app.

4. SPOILER ALERT:  Contrary to the title of the episode, Mindy doesn’t really get all of her problems solved forever.

5.  The premiere was cute enough to make me give the show another chance.  Until the kids start waking up at the crack of dawn again, that is.

WATCH THE EPISODE HERE, IF YOU’RE NOT TOO EXHAUSTED: