Gwyneth Paltrow is one mild breeze away from showing us where Apple and Moses came from.

Jessica Alba keeps it classy with a golden goddess Michael Kors number. What, no Muppet roadkill or near-vaginal slips? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT, ALBA?

There's a lot going on in this picture -- Tom! Gisele! Givenchy Haute Couture! Velvet! -- and yet all I can think is: DUDE, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR HAIR?!

A Sofia Vergara picture with no cleavage? Brace yourselves, folks -- it's a Sign of the Apocalypse!

Elizabeth Banks kindly stuck around in case Geisha services were requested.

Um, Alicia Keys...? I hope it's the fit of the tux -- and not having a child -- that's making your vagina appear to hang to your knees.

Amy Adams shows us how you can creatively use leftover holiday bows!

Debra Messing uses her easy-access dress to score some beads at the event! Sweet.

Cate Blanchett wears a black trumpet-hem Alexander McQueen gown. Bonus for the Met Ball's cleaning crew: her feather duster swept up all dirt in her path!

"I'm wearing Valentino because I love this dress. It reminded me of a different time," said Sarah Jessica Parker. Yes! A time when... "Little House on the Prairie" was on TV.

Heidi Klum wears an Escada mini with a lace overlay and Christian Louboutin heels -- you know, everyday mom attire.

Marion Cotillard, mom of almost one-year-old Marcel, wears Dior Haute Couture and little else.

Amy Poehler has made us laugh so hard that we can't breathe, so it's only fair that she wear a dress in which *she* can't breathe.

Brooke Shields armed herself with a cane because Arnold Schwarzenegger was rumored to show up. "Get your hands off of there, Schwarzenegger!"

Karolina Kurkova, mom of two-year-old Tobin, finds a creative solution for a bad hair day.