Tag - Pregnancy Humor
Pregnancy and summertime: they go as comfortably together as skinny jeans and Thanksgiving. Having been heavily pregnant in the summer, with both of my kids, I know firsthand just how unpleasant it can be to waddle around in 80- to 90-degree temps with a nearly 10-pound butterball attached to your middle. However, contrary to popular opinion, there are advantages to being pregnant in the warmer months. So, for all of you pregnant ladies bracing yourselves for a miserable summer, here is the silver lining:
10. First Pregnancy: You devour every single weekly pregnancy milestone update from BabyCenter.com and know exactly what kind of fruit/vegetable your baby currently resembles.
Second Pregnancy: “How far along am I? Um, let me see…maybe somewhere in the first trimester? Wait, no, third. I think.”
9. First Pregnancy: You diligently avoid all caffeine, alcohol, sushi and other supposed pregnancy no-nos.
Second Pregnancy: “Make it a DOUBLE ESPRESSO. And bring it up to the bathroom where I’m going to be snorting aspirin in a steaming hot bath. Thanks!”
8. First Pregnancy: “Yay! I’m starting to show!”
Second Pregnancy: “Oh, God. I’m starting to show. AND I’M ONLY ONE WEEK PREGNANT.”
7. First Pregnancy: You play French folk music and Learn Japanese CDs before going to sleep in hopes of giving birth to a multilingual genius with an IQ of 150.
Second Pregnancy: Screw the folk music. Nothing wrong with having a child of mediocre intelligence! Because, let’s face it, you want to go to sleep as soon as you can when you already have a child with another on the way.
6. First Pregnancy: You feel the baby kick around 20 weeks.
Second Pregnancy: You feel the baby kick around 12 weeks. And why is that? “Your muscles aren’t as strong the second time around, so you feel it more,” the OB says “helpfully.” *SIGH* A simple “you’re more in-tune with your body” would have sufficed, doc.
5. First Pregnancy: YOU: Guess what? I’m pregnant! FRIENDS & FAMILY: Yaaaaayyyy! This is the best news EVER!
Second Pregnancy: YOU: Guess what? I’m pregnant! FRIENDS & FAMILY: Oh. Neat.
4. First Pregnancy: You buy a ton of maternity clothes to show off that beautiful, blossoming bump.
Second Pregnancy: It’s all about sweatpants.
3. First Pregnancy: You have outdone yourself with the nursery, which is beautiful enough to be displayed in the pages of House Beautiful.
Second Pregnancy: You’re not even sure where you’re going to put the kid. Put a blanket in a dresser drawer, perhaps?
2. First Pregnancy: You rub cocoa butter on your stomach every day to avoid stretch marks.
Second Pregnancy: You quickly throw on your sweats to avoid looking at the stretch marks caused by your first pregnancy.
1. First Pregnancy: You and your baby are celebrated at a fun baby shower.
Second Pregnancy: You are lucky if you have the time to take a hot shower.
We’ve really labored (see what we did there?) to hunt down the corniest pregnancy jokes for you…
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?
A: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A: A misconception.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: Should I have a baby after 40?
A. No, 40 children is way too many already.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don’t remember.
Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A: Brute force.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” is a concern for you.