Tag - Ouch

Today’s “Ouch” Report: Jessica Alba Credits Torture Device for Post-Baby Weight Loss

jessica-alba-eating-instagramIf you’re wondering how Jessica Alba got her rockin’ figure back so quickly after both of her pregnancies, well, let’s just say it wasn’t from popping those fried cheese balls she’s pretending to eat on Instagram. In an interview with Net-a-Porter’s magazine, Jessica revealed her apparent secret to bouncing back:

“I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.” Jessica said. “It was brutal; it’s not for everyone.”

A double corset, eh?  My ribcage would just like to say:  “Ouch.”  And I’m sure good genes and the fact Jessica started working out just two weeks after giving birth had nothing to do with her quick weight loss.  *Ahem*

Nevertheless, it’s only a matter of time before we see Jessica launch a new line of weight-loss products-slash-torture devices for new moms, including:

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Payback Hurts (Oh, Does It Hurt)

That Mother of the Year Award that I blew...?  Yeah, I may just be in the running for it now.

Hand-Foot-and-Mouth has been an unwelcome house guest here for more than a week now and Drew, his mouth completely ravaged by dozens of sores and blisters, still screams at the very sight of food.  We’re talking about the child who will eat lint if you serve it in a bowl.  But now even ICE CREAM sends him running for the hills.  Which is just so sad… that I have to console myself by eating his ice cream.

What?  It’s not like he’s eating it.

When you have a 13-month-old who is existing on occasional swigs of water and milk, you will do just about anything to get that child to eat.  Mr. Candy has performed song-and-dance routines.  I have offered him a Ferrari in exchange for a bite of yogurt.  Nothing has worked.  Except…


Thank goodness Drew was not completely weaned yet because it is pretty much the only way he’s willing to consume any nutrients (besides the bits of severely chapped lips he’s unwittingly swallowing…YUM).  The good news is, breastfeeding doesn’t seem to be uncomfortable for him, as the sippy cup and bottle are.  The bad news is, to make it more comfortable for him, HE USES HIS TEETH.

Oh my god, people.  The pain.  The mind-searing, toe-curling pain.  After last night’s 3AM feeding, which immediately comforted him, I thought to myself, “I would rather give childbirth than have to nurse him again.”  Which reminds me:  does anyone out there give epidurals for nursing a kid with a mouthful of blisters?  Besides the guy offering to administer them out of his van on craigslist?

Although we’re not above taking Van Man up on his generous offer.  –My Weeping Nipples

But, hey, such is being a mom.  Better to have mutilated nipples than a dehydrated and malnourished child.  (Now there’s a parenting mantra that deserves to be splashed across a mug!)  Keeping our kids healthy, even if it’s at the expense of our own health, is just part of our job.  And, I figure, my nipple that is so deformed that it looks like it’s sprouting another nipple thanks to Drew’s chompers, is the universe’s way of getting back at me for laughing off his symptoms at first.

Just to make sure Mr. Candy didn’t feel left out of all this fun, I sent him out on a VISM (very important shopping mission):  BUY NIPPLE CREAM.

“Uh, so I’m at the pharmacy at Target,” he called, clearly uncomfortable. “Is this nipple stuff with the Vaseline?”

“No, it’s with the other nipple stuff — in the breastfeeding aisle,” I laughed.

He called back two minutes later.

“FOUND IT!” he declared, sounding surprisingly triumphant.

Bleeding-yet-nourishing boobs and successful nipple cream shopping adventures:   all part of the small (and glamorous) triumphs of parenthood.

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The Ol’ Snip-Snip Report

With thanks to Laughing Stork reader, Karin, who was accompanying her husband to his vasectomy when they spotted this on the way:

“Not really what my husband needs to see outside the urologist’s office,” she notes.

The Top 10 Reasons ‘Modern Family’ is Recasting Lily

It’s a tot-eat-tot world in Hollywood, as twins Jaden and Ella Hiller — who play Lily on Modern Family — are finding out.  The ABC comedy is spreading the word around the casting community that it is looking for an “Asian, 3-to 4-year-old” to play the daughter of Mitchell and Cameron.   Although there is still a small chance the Hillers will stay on the show, writers want to keep their options open.

“We adore Jaden and Ella, but have started to think that they’d rather be at home playing than working as actors,” executive producer Steve Levitan tells Entertainment Weekly. “Maybe they don’t love to be on a set and have to listen to us do a scene 10 times. Maybe they would be happier being kids. We don’t want them to be unhappy. If we feel it’s not in their best interest to stay, we will replace them, and ask that people forgive us for doing so.”

Of course, producers never tell us what’s really going on behind the scenes.  Which is why The Laughing Stork presents…

The Top 10 Reasons Modern Family is Really Recasting Lily:

10.  Let’s just say the twins insist on more than just juice in their on-set sippy cups.

9.  The twins’ suggestion that Sofia Vergara dress more demurely did not go over well with the mostly male production staff.

8.  Jaden and Ella are too embarrassed to remain on a network that also airs Wipeout.

7.  The twins are counting on Ryan Seacrest to give them their own hit reality show instead.

6.  The toddlers rejected the producer’s “suggestion” that they shave off a few months with a shot of Botots (Botox for Tots!).

5.  They’re afraid of “that really grumpy man” (Ed O’Neill).

4.  According to the toddlers, the producers “do not have a proper appreciation of our deadpan take on the character of Lily; therefore, we must leave because of creative differences.”

3.  The twins are tired of begging on-set Food Services to include Cheerios.

2.  The girls would like more time to pursue “other opportunities,” like edgy independent film roles and potty training.

1.  Three words:  CELEBRITY BABY REHAB!  (See also:  #10)