They say men like long hair, but “they” clearly have not polled my husband. That’s right; Mr. Candy has a thing for shorter hair and, back when we first met — WAY back when there was no running water or Twitter — I did indeed have shorter hair. Apparently, this is how I lured him in. Well, that plus my dazzling ability to shotgun a beer. (Remember: we didn’t have The Twitter to entertain us back then.) Then, once I had him hooked, I pulled the ol’ bait-and-switch by growing my hair long and pretty much keeping it that way, give or take a couple of inches, for the next 17 years.
Now, Mr. Candy doesn’t typically give beauty advice or imply he would like me to look like any other way but how I currently look. Wise man. In fact, I am on the receiving end (pun intended) of many admiring butt squeezes from him on a daily basis, whether I want them or not. But the other day, he did suggest something… unwise.
“What if you cut your hair up to here?” he asked innocently, his hand karate-chopping my hair at chin-length.
I replied as any reasonable wife would:
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?!”
It’s not that I don’t like short hair. I would love to rock a pixie cut or pull off an adorable bob. However, you have to understand, I have very thick, wavy hair. And we recently moved to the beach. THE BEACH, PEOPLE. WITH BEACH AIR. This means I must approach my hair like a grenade — don’t make any sudden movements or it will EXPLODE.
My fellow curly-haired ladies know what I’m talking about. Mr. Candy apparently does not, so I have created a helpful and incredibly scientific equation for him:
Time further explains:
The investigators concluded that the biggest variable curly hair has to reckon with is weight. The longer a hair grows, the more of a burden the bottom of the shaft must carry until the strand as a whole topples over. Straight hair lays flat after that, becoming what the investigators call a 2-D hook, since it effectively moves in just two dimensions, front to back or side to side. A hair with an innate curliness to it is only beginning its adventure in multi-directional physics. If your curly hair is relatively short, each strand forms what the researchers call a 3-D local helix—growing up, down, swooping in at angles, doubling back on itself. If the hair extends the length of the head or beyond (Brave, we’re looking at you again), it’s called a 3-D global helix, and its behavior, accordingly, becomes more complex.
Which is, um, pretty much what I said. Only not as scientific.
It all boils down to physics, my dear husband. Just like shotgunning a beer.