The reason Miss Skye looks so put out…? Read More
The reason Miss Skye looks so put out…? Read More
“Can’t we get something in the mail besides bills, bills, bills?” Mr. Candy had grumbled earlier this week. Ask and you shall receive, my dear hubby. Because an exciting offer just arrived for you in our mailbox!
It was that critical make-or-break point. Twenty-two years old and three months into our relationship, Mr. Candy and I were having “The Talk” at a cozy Manhattan bar over chicken fingers and too many bottles of wine. Read More
When I posted my list of favorite things, some of you asked if Mr. Candy could suggest his fave items for new babydaddies. He’s been traveling like a fiend lately (fun for him AND me… ugh), so he asked me to be his not-so-secret ghostwriter, and even gave me pointers on the jokes he would like incorporated. If I “forget” to include those jokes, well, consider yourselves lucky.
MR. CANDY’S LIST OF FAVORITE THINGS:
1. Digital picture frame. Mr. Candy misses the little one when he’s at the office, so he asked me Santa for one of these for Christmas. We have one at home, and are endlessly entertained by the digital slide show. (Simple minds and all.) Note that some frames use LCD panels with fewer pixels than others. This means they can’t display as much detail as frames with higher resolutions, such as the Kodak EasyShare D830 8-inch digital frame with its 800 by 600 resolution (currently on sale at Amazon for $129.99). I, er… I mean, Santa plans on taking the hint and loading up one of these puppies for Mr. Candy’s office with pictures of Skylar, the kitties and maybe even one of me — even though I know I rate a distant fourth in the photo hierarchy.
No office? No problem. Get a nice digital photo keychain for $17.
2. Oakley Sunglasses. Mr. Candy says nothing made him feel older than having a kid, which is why he apparently went out and got a pair of sporty Oakley sunglasses — to make himself feel “young and cool” again. A funny thing, considering when he told me he’d bought mirrored sunglasses, I was like, “Didn’t those go out of style fifteen years ago?” Turns out, they look REALLY good on him. [I’m supposed to inject a joke about how he recommends the mirrored lenses to men, so their wives won’t notice them checking out “the young hotties” — but, as you can imagine, that joke was met with *crickets* ’round here.] I see a pair similar to Mr. Candy’s on Oakley.com for $120. Young hotties not included.
3. Diaper Dude Diaper Bag. I’d bought one of these in black for Mr. Candy when I was pregnant with Miss Skye. And he was all, “Couldn’t I just use YOUR diaper bag if I need one?” And I was all, “No. You cannot.” And that was that. I think he’s surprised how often this bag has come in handy since Skylar’s arrival. It’s about as manly as a diaper bag’s gonna get. Plus, lots o’ pockets for daddy-and-me Heinekens! Awww. Currently on sale for $53.10 with free shipping.
4. Edge Wine. This one gets the Candy AND Mr. Candy Seal of Drunken Approval. We were introduced to Edge Wine on a Santa Barbara winery tour — even though it’s a Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon — and my, oh my, how we wished we’d bought several cases of it. It is, as a refined sommelier would say, f*cking good. Voted “Best Cabernet Sauvignon Under $20” by Food & Wine Magazine.
Let’s face it, if there’s one thing new parents should have, it’s alcohol. Cheers! $20/bottle.
Baby Math with Mr. Candy: In Deep Doo-Doo
I remember going shopping for Skylar before she was born. Candy picked out a giant box of diapers. As I was putting it into the shopping cart, she grabbed another giant box without hesitation. In disbelief, I exclaimed, “How much do you think this little girl is going to poop?!?!” The dad next to me shook his head and said, “More than you can imagine, more than you can imagine.”
MR. CANDY: Wow. Colbie Smulders doesn’t even look pregnant!
ME: Um, she had her baby a couple months ago.
MR. CANDY: Oh. [PAUSE] Wow. She lost her weight fast.
“We have to go out on a date at LEAST every other week after the baby comes,” Mr. Candy and I had agreed. That agreement was made was WAY back in the day, a whole seven weeks ago, when I was still pregnant, naive and showered.
Anyone who’s followed my column with even infrequent regularity knows Mr. Candy and I have enjoyed our fair share of partying. (Translation: If it weren’t for the apples and oranges in sangria, we would have starved.) Yes, we may have been drunkards, but at least we were realistic drunkards, waiting for the day we got the partying out of our systems to start a family.
Okay, so that day never came.
What can I say, we love the liquor! Almost as much as Skylar loves the boob. But we forged ahead with Operation: Baby anyway and, lo and behold, when I spied those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I developed a completely different kind of thirst — a thirst for a happy and healthy baby. You may remember that day…? It was the day distillery stocks plummeted and my liver did a jig of relief. Yes! My liver! Gettin’ jiggy with the anti-cirrhosis dance! It can viewed on YouTube to this day.
Fast forward to two days ago, when our newly expanded family celebrated Mr. Candy’s birthday with — wait for it… wait for it… — um, sandwiches and shakes at Johnny Rockets. Don’t be jealous of our glamorous life, y’all. Now it’s all about bottomless fries instead of bottomless drinks. And, as you can see, the only person who passed out at this party was Skylar. (Those boob-tinis get her every time.)
When I laughed about how much things had changed, Mr. Candy just smiled: “Skylar’s the best gift you could have given me.”
And, given the way he sucked down his Oreo milkshake, that was a close second.
Happy Birthday, Mr. Candy.
With Mr. Candy
Not being the creative one in the family, I could never hope to capture in words the joy and happiness I experienced when I first saw Skylar. The love I feel in my heart is indescribable. However, as the “economical” one in the family (some less “economical” would say “cheap”), I am unfortunately fully capable of calculating the cost of Skylar. Even though she’s of course priceless, the pain I feel in my wallet is all too calculable.
Candy will undoubtedly be sharing the joy and happiness in our hearts, so I will share something less precious: the pain in our bank account. A pain that is especially acute when thinking about the cost of college when Skylar is due to attend. As a consultant, I ask that you indulge my love for finance (some less “financially minded” would say my “inner geek”) and allow me to share that pain with you in my native tongue (that would be bullet points and charts).
Ed. note: This budget reallocation has NOT been approved by Candy. To hell with electricity and water, I say — Mama needs a new pair of shoes and margarita fix!
Candy white-knuckles the bathroom counter, breathing through her Braxton-Hicks contractions.
MR. CANDY: OUCH!
He jumps back from the mirror, wincing in agony.
CANDY: (BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT…) What’s wrong?