Finally! Scientists have been able to identify what, exactly, is on the mind of a mom while she’s behind the wheel…
“I know I kept you up all night, Mom,” Uma’s one-month-old daughter thinks. “But still… BUTTON YOUR PANTS, for crying out loud! I can’t bear to open my eyes ’til you are decent again.”
The only thing worse than Pregnancy Brain, I’ve discovered, is Pregnancy Brain compounded by Mommy Brain. You just never know what I’m going to do next these days, meaning: Get your valuables and breakables out of my reach. Because I may inadvertently eat them. And not realize it until I’m screaming in agony in the bathroom the next day. Even then, I’ll probably just chalk it up to pregnancy hemorrhoids.
Hello there, my childless readers! Aren’t you just CLAMORING to get knocked up now?
Two weeks ago, Baby Freedom demanded a chicken fajita, so we skedaddled to a nearby Mexican restaurant — where I was dipping my chips in Skye’s container of Cheerios for a good minute before I realized why, exactly, the “salsa” seemed to be so bland. Tasteless, in fact! SO ridiculous. I mean, why can’t my child be a fan of a good chip-dipping cereal? Like Frosted Flakes. Geesh.
Yesterday was a particularly banner day for my feeble mind, beginning with me finding the dishwasher detergent in the refrigerator (Hey, Skye! Care for a Cascade smoothie?) and ending with me ruining my iPhone and new purse (Hey, Skye! Look away while Mommy blubbers like a baby!). I had taken Skye out to eat after daycare, thinking we could enjoy some lovely mother-daughter bonding time, only my nap-deprived daughter had an entirely different vision in mind. One that involved her screaming like a banshee because I wouldn’t let her dump frozen yogurt on her head. I’m a stickler, I tell ya. In my rush to get the hell out of there and escape our fellow patrons’ accusatory “Are you murdering that kid or what?” stares, I instinctively grabbed my purse and threw Skye’s sippy cup and my bottled water in there.
Then I saw it: THE CAP to the water bottle.
The just-opened water bottle. In my brand new leather purse. Oh yes, I did.
In a matter of seconds, the bottom of my purse — not a particularly, um, cheap one (sorry you had to read that, Mr. Candy) — was drenched. My iPhone…? DEAD. Deader than Hugh Hefner without his Viagra IV drip. I keep trying to resuscitate it in hopes of recovering the adorable cell phone pics I’ve taken of Skye the past few days — you know, pictures in which she’s not doing her best banshee impersonation — but I’m getting about as much response as I would from Hugh Hefner without… yeah, okay, you know where I’m going with this.
At least, I hope somebody does. Because I totally forget.
Now pass the Cascade, would you? I’m thirsty!
via Candy’s Crapcam
You return home from a morning of running errands around town and dropping off your child at daycare, only to realize you have been wearing ONE EARRING the entire time because your child nearly ripped your earlobe off trying to grab the earring earlier in the morning, so you stuffed said earring in your pocket and forgot about it.
This has been your important Mommy Brain Update and Seemingly Endless Run-On Sentence of The Day!
ME: How was your day?
MR. CANDY: Good! The client liked our proposal —
ME: Skylar’s poop turned green today.
MR. CANDY: Green?
This is my brain…
…This is my brain after nine weeks of mommyhood: