Ways That My 3-Year-Old is More Mature Than Lindsay Lohan
Feb 22, 2013 | Filed Under: Celebrities | Tags: Lindsay Lohan
A quick survey of behavior reveals my three-year-old daughter may just be more mature than the 26-year-old actress.
End-of-Week Celebrity Reprimands
Nov 9, 2012 | Filed Under: Celebrities | Tags: Celebrity Reprimands, Diane Sawyer, Justin Bieber, Kirstie Alley, Lindsay Lohan
Scolding deserving celebrities in our best “Mom Voice”…
Justin Bieber reportedly hits on a ton of models at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show
Tsk, tsk, tsk, young man. You have a sweet girl in that Selena Gomez, so do right by her and do what all the other men in the world (except Leonardo DiCaprio) do — and JUST USE THE CATALOGS.
Diane Sawyer appears to be drunk during Election Night coverage
Diane! How awful! You were drinking… and didn’t invite ME for a toast? That’s just rude.
Lindsay Lohan Sues E-Trade for $100M Over “Milkaholic” Baby Ad
Mar 9, 2010 | Filed Under: Celebrities, Pop Culture | Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Say What?
With Lindsay Lohan’s acting career being, er, stalled, she has decided to pursue a new source of revenue: a truly stupid lawsuit.
LiLo is suing the financial company E-Trade for $100 million (!), insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby — who happens to be named Lindsay — featured in its latest commercial was modeled after her.
Fashion Police: Lindsay Lohan Works the Streets
Sep 1, 2009 | Filed Under: Celebrities, Fashion Police, Pop Culture, Style | Tags: Fashion Police, Lindsay Lohan, Sean Preston Federline, Violet Affleck
VIOLET: Ooohhh! She’s wearing the potholder I made in preschool!
SAM: My daddy wants to know how much she charges for an hour…?
Kooky Hollywood Moms: Dina Lohan
Jul 24, 2007 | Filed Under: Satire | Tags: Ali Lohan, Celebrity Parents, Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan
Illustration by 14 at Gallery of the Absurd
Dina Lohan, mom-ager extraordinaire, is many things: an enabler; cleavage advocate; fame-seeker; imaginary Rockette; and, of course, white people’s answer to Oprah. But don’t you dare call her Lindsay’s mother. Dina tells Harper’s Bazaar she’s more like a sister to Lindsay – hitting the clubs with her and wearing her hand-me-downs – and sometimes introduces herself as her daughter’s personal assistant. She even once lied about her identity to none other than George Clooney.
“I don’t want them to know I’m her mom,” she said. “It’s a whole ‘nother demographic. People just go dark.”
Don’t worry, Dina! It’s our little secret.
No word on whether George took the cougar bait; however, Dina continues to take Hollywood by storm. The 44-year-old (ssshhh!) hasn’t let her daughter’s li’l DUI debacle or any semblance of maternal instincts diminish her love for the spotlight. Nope, the intermittently present mother figure has courageously forged ahead, using her daughter’s time in rehab to score tabloid interviews and some young tail. You go, girl!
In her quest for the “Mother…,” er… I mean “Big Sister of the Year” award, Dina has even found a way to make use of future meal tickets/VIP pass providers/rehab guests, Ali and Cody, a.k.a. Lindsay’s youngest siblings. (Did you really think “A Lohan Holiday” would be sufficient, Ali? I DON’T THINK SO. Momma needs a fame fix!) Yes, Dina has pitched a show to E!, a network with a known soft spot for drug-addled train wrecks.
“The cameras will follow me as I make myself, er… make my kids famous,” Dina suggested. Or something to that effect. The suits were no doubt intrigued. With any luck, the network executives likely thought, Lindsay’s two younger siblings will also self-destruct before the cameras while under the tender tutelage of their Mom-Ager. Ratings gold!
To those who question her tireless, offspring-driven search of a red carpet, Dina gives the one-finger salute. “I’m living the American dream, and [those who don’t like it] can go…” Dina told Harper’s Bazaar (before leaning back to bask in the reflected glow of her daughter’s sullied star).
Mother of the Year, indeed.
Illustrator and collaborator/partner in satirical crime: 14 at Gallery of the Absurd
Written by: Candy Kirby
