(My response follows.)
If this were MY son…? This would be my response:
Dear Oldest Son,
Considering YOU were the “douche-incarnate sleep molester” in my life for countless years — waking me from the “bounds of sweet slumber” every three-to-four hours with your “hellish cries” for the first year of your life, then running into our room and jumping on our bed at the “wretched” hour of 6 a.m. for the better part of your childhood — I must tell you this: if you deign to raise even one nefarious finger in the direction of my alarm clock, nary a single morsel of my banana bread will ever pass your lips again.
Also, your letter is colorfully written, but divest yourself of the profanity please. SO pedestrian.