Funny Parenting Quotes from Famous People

Sep 9, 2009 | Filed Under: From Around the Web | Tags: Funny Parenting Quotes

Here they are.  Because they say the key to surviving parenthood is a good sense of humor.  (Barring that, access to a large prescription pad…)

1. “A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes.”

~ Russell Lynes

2. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”

~ Lane Olinhouse

3. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

~ Erma Bombeck

4. “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

~ Bill Cosby

5. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”

~ Franklin P. Jones

6. “Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”

~ Doug Larson

7. “A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.”

~ Bill Vaughan

8. “In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt as injustice.”

~ Charles Dickens

9. “It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.”

~ Ben Bergor

10. “The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”

~ Author Unknown

11. “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”

~ Michelle Pfeiffer

12. “The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.”

~ Bill Cosby

13. “Mothers are all slightly insane.”

~ J.D. Salinger

14. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

~ Calvin Trillin

15. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

~ Milton Berle

16. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

~ Ed Asner

17. “Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.”

~ Peter Ustinov

18. “Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”

~ Joyce Armor

19. “Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.”

~ Bill Cosby

20. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.”

~ Bill Cosby

21. “Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

~ Erma Bombeck

22. “My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

~ Erma Bombeck

23.  “In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.”

~ Erma Bombeck

24. “Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.”

~ Phyllis Diller

25. “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

~ Phyllis Diller

26. “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

~ Phyllis Diller

27. “If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, ‘keep away from children.’”

~ Susan Savannah

28. “Adolescence is perhaps nature’s way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.”

~ Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

29. “Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.”

~ Ogden Nash

30. “A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

~ Jerry Seinfeld