In today’s useless study news, new research has shown that men with full beards are rated HIGHEST for parenting ability and perceived as better fathers. Naturally, The Laughing Stork conducted a follow-up study that breaks down what, exactly, makes these bearded fellows such good dads:
Many men I know — I, uh, won’t name names — complain that their wives don’t put out as much after having a baby, what with the mind-numbing exhaustion and all. So for all those amorous new dads in need of some guidance, this list is for you to keep in mind: The top 10 worst ways to encourage your wife to have sex with you after baby.
10. Reassuring your wife by saying: “I don’t care if your boobs have gotten saggy. It’s kind of cool I can kiss your stomach and breasts at the same time now!”
9. Crying like a baby because, as you tell her, “that’s the only thing that gets her attention these days.”
8. Informing her with a pout that you’ve exhausted all of your porn.
7. Telling her you don’t understand why she’s so tired, anyway.
6. Begging her to have sex with you because you’re excited she “actually has boobs now!”
5. Uttering any sentence involving the words, “Blue Balls.”
4. Giving her a coupon for “Sexy Time: Good Any Time of Day” as her only present for Mother’s Day.
3. Gazing at her nether regions with a sexy smirk, followed by your best pick-up line: “Let’s see if we can still achieve friction down there, shall we?”
2. Purring that you’ll be “waiting in bed for her” after she’s done folding the laundry, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning up all of the baby’s toys.
1. Waking her up in the middle of the first good nap she’s gotten since the baby was born and asking, “Now?”
There are many wonderful things about my toddler getting older. The ability to communicate her needs, for one. The capacity to entertain herself for decent stretches of time. The unfolding of her personality. And what I certainly treasure most of all: the ability to go on roller coaster rides, baby!
Yeah, I love ’em. And don’t be fooled by the unsure look on Skye’s face — she was a total rock star when she took this one for a whirl at Disneyland a couple weeks ago, her very first roller coaster ride. It’s for the best that I accompany our young daughter because Mr. Candy develops Roller Coaster Tourrette’s Syndrome, wherein he cannot stop screaming “SH*T, SH*T, SH*T!” at the top of his lungs.
There must be something about dads and rides. I also remember my father turning a disconcerting shade of green after agreeing to accompany me on a particularly nausea-inducing ride THREE TIMES IN A ROW. He probably only recalls the distinct taste of regurgitated hamburger in his mouth, but what I recall? Is just how awesome my dad was for braving that ride with me over and over again.
Which is precisely what this little girl is going to remember, too. Well, that, and that her dad trended on YouTube for “HILARIOUS VIDEO OF DAD TERRIFIED ON DOLLYWOOD RIDE!”