I try very, very hard not to judge other parents– unless, that is, they happen to be a celebrity posting ridiculous pictures of themselves on the Internet, in which case I feel like they’re almost asking me to giggle and roll my eyes.
Here’s a photo that Beyonce just posted on her Tumblr page — with B looking after her daughter Blue in satin bustier undergarments and four-inch heels. OF COURSE. Pretty much how I dress for preschool drop-off every day.
Everybody’s talking about how Beyonce and Jay-Z’s performance of “Drunk in Love” at last night’s Grammys was oh-so-so risque — but, as a fellow parent, all I could see was how parenthood totally influenced their style and moves. Check it out:
Poor Beyonce. No time to finish drying or styling her hair — such is the life of a mom.
Blue Ivy is thinking what as her mom, Beyonce, carries her up the plank to a yacht in Ibiza while wearing 6.5-inch heels?
If you were wondering about the contents of Blue Ivy’s diapers, you’re in luck! She apparently poops POTPOURRI — because that’s the only plausible explanation for this crazy talk:
“I love changing diapers,” Beyonce recently gushed to Anderson Cooper about her 9-month-old daughter. “I love it. I love every moment of it, it’s so beautiful!”
Hey, I love my kids and I love being a mom. Changing diarrhea-filled diapers while my kid writhes around like a wild badger? Not so much. But if Beyonce can’t get enough of that, she’s just going to LOVE these new mom moments that I recently experienced myself:
- Walking in to Blue’s bedroom to pick her up from a nap… only to discover she’s smeared her poop all over her head, back, crib and wall. SO PRECIOUS!
- Putting Blue on the children’s toilet in a public “Family Restroom”… only to have Blue miss the potty and pee all over the floor and her own feet. SO DARLING!
- Reading a book with Blue in bed… when she spies several wet spots on her new sheets. “What’s that?” she’ll ask Blue. “I peed on your bed!” Blue will declare with an evil laugh. SO SWEET!
Oh, just you wait, Beyonce. The true beauty of motherhood is just beginning!
School may be out for the summer, but that doesn’t mean we can’t continue flexing those mathematical muscles with an important logic problem…
If Beyoncé spends 3 hours weaving 243 braids on top of her head and steps out in a “mommy romper” costing 950 dollars, how long will it take for Blue Ivy to rip out 1 five-inch hoop earring from her ear?
During a recent concert Beyonce told fans, “I had to lose 60 pounds. They had me on that treadmill. I ate lettuce! Now tonight I’m gonna get chocolate wasted!” But people are buzzing — just as they were about her baby bump’s disappearing act — that she didn’t have 60 pregnancy pounds to lose. And an in-depth investigation by The Laughing Stork (in which we quickly threw up before-and-after pictures) shows that, well, they may just be right about that:
Hmmmm…what would prompt Beyonce to say such a thing when it looks like she only gained 30, 40 pounds max? As usual, the cats and I attempt to get to the bottom of this pressing mystery by brainstorming possible explanations. So here they are…
The Top 10 Explanations for Beyonce Saying She Lost 60 Pounds
10. They weren’t pregnancy pounds that she shed… she had somehow got stuck carrying friend Kanye West’s ego around.
9. She had told Solange that she gained 60 pounds to make her sister feel better about life.
8. She meant she had an extra 60 ounces remaining, not pounds. Duh.
7. She just wanted an excuse to say “chocolate wasted.”
6. Her baby bump pillow was made out of lead.
5. She wanted to steal Jessica Simpson’s future weight-loss thunder.
4. She got “chocolate wasted” during that last month of pregnancy…to the tune of 30 pounds of chocolate.
3. She really did gain 60 pounds… and was just wearing the best maternity Spanx EVER.
2. She was wasted when she said that at the concert. Not chocolate wasted. Just wasted.
1. Who cares? Better question is: Why is she wearing a figure skating costume up there? Beyonce going for gold in 2014, baby!
Beyonce recently shared this picture of her wearing a gold “Blue” necklace (on her Tumblr, where all the cool kids are these days). I assume the necklace is a tribute to her four-month-old daughter, and not her mood or Katy Perry’s hair or the state of Jay-Z’s balls (I can’t believe I went there, either). Before having my own kids, I thought wearing jewelry bearing the names of your children was a tad corny. But now that I have two little ones…? Yeah, you guessed it: I wear my personalized baby charm necklace almost every day. Because here’s the thing about motherhood: It makes you absolutely, ridiculously corny. AND YOU DON’T CARE.
“It keeps you close to my heart,” I told Skye the other day as she touched my necklace in our very own Hallmark commercial moment. (See? The corniness just naturally spews forth!)
So if any of my fellow corny mamas out there are interested in a necklace similar to Beyonce’s, I’ve hunted down another option that capture the love and spirituality of the piece…but not the undoubtedly high price tag.
My invitation to this year’s Met gala somehow got lost in the mail — No! I lie! The cats and I are convinced Leslie Bibb totally stole it — so instead of providing you with behind-the-scenes juice about Dakota Fanning throwing Skittles down the front of Sofia Vergara’s dress, all I can offer are these pictures of celebrity moms at the event, complete with expert fashion commentary below.
WARNING: Parental discretion is advised, as Beyoncé appeared to have suffered a Mommy Brain moment and forgotten the back of her dress. Whoopsie! (We’ve all been there.)
So glad I can dish about the latest celebrity family gossip here because the cats are totally sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston’s “baby bump.” (Her official bump status this week: “suspicious looking“; seriously, not a week goes by without a mention of her “bump” in the tabloids. Amazing)
The “BREAKING NEWS” in Us Weekly today: Charlize Theron, on whom both Mr. Candy and I have a crush, has adopted a baby boy named Jackson. And just because people seem to want to know these details: Li’l Jackson was born in the U.S. and happens to be black. Most importantly, he is healthy.
Also: Her flexibility will TOTALLY be an asset as a mother. Congrats, Charlize!
Drew Barrymore spotted carrying my best friend during my first trimesters — Saltines — further fueling those pregnancy rumors. Or maybe she just wanted to be prepared if she came across some clam chowder. Either/or.
I kicked off my Monday with a 5:45 a.m. wake-up call from Drew, who somehow had poop smeared down his leg and up his back, yet very little on his actual BUTT — this was after waking up with him at 12 a.m. and 2 a.m., mind you — followed by a parking ticket outside daycare for being parked in a street cleaning zone one minute too long. I am, like, not even exaggerating.
Yay for Mondays!
I would start drinking if only I didn’t have to pick up the kids this afternoon (the daycare frowns upon moms whose breath smells like appletinis…SO uptight), so I am going to drown my sorrows in another guilty pleasure instead: celebrity gossip. Let’s chat about the latest famous family news, shall we?
I opened my Us Weekly daily e-newsletter to receive some VERY important news: Vanessa Minnillo is 12 weeks pregnant and, according to Nick, craving burritos. Knowing these guys, a pregnancy sponsorship by Taco Bell can’t be far behind.
Speaking of Us Weekly…
Have you heard? Of COURSE you’ve already heard.
Oh, thank you Celebrity Baby Name Gods for blessing us with another entertaining name that people will either love or hate. Me…? I’m just happy to hear the baby is healthy — and hope against hope that Blue Ivy is, indeed their daughter’s name and not just some rumor the tabloids are teasing us with. Because I don’t want to be the only one lucky enough to have the name of a stripper.
In fact, “Blue Ivy” conjures up many possible business ideas-slash-baby announcements…
There is Blue Ivy: The nightclub.
The Blue Ivy: a poorly-Photoshopped novel about a poet and his tragedy-prone family in eighteenth-century Germany.
Finally, of course, there is Blue Ivy: The Old Lady perfume.
Congrats to those crazy music moguls and their little bundle of nightclub-slash-novel-slash perfume!
Thoughts about what Blue Ivy reminds YOU of? Please do share!