Tag - Beauty

Overly Tanned Ralph Lauren Fries Brain in Sun, Fires Size-4 Model for Being “Too Fat

As you may remember from an earlier post, Ralph Lauren was under fire for the above-left ad, in which model Filippa Hamilton was airbrushed to resemble a Praying Mantis — for which Ralph Lauren has since apologized, blaming it on “poor imaging.”

Well, their image about to get a whole lot more “poor,” with the 23-year-old Filippa coming forward to reveal that, after eight years of working for them, Ralph Lauren has actually fired the 5’10”, 120-lb. model for BEING TOO FAT.

Are they kidding me? Screw Ralph and that stupid Polo horse he rode in on!

Filippa was fired in April, but decided to go public now because she was appalled to see the altered image that made her look like skin and bones.  She said she looked so “dangerously emaciated,” she was compelled to protest.

“Every young woman is going to look at [the photo] and think that it is normal to look like that — it’s not,” Filippa told “Today Show” host Ann Curry.

Unless, of course, you want to use your hip bones to slice deli meats!  Then it’s all good. Karl Lagerfeld approves.

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The Hallelujah Report: Doctors Say No Rush to Lose Pregnancy Weight

On more than one occasion, when I would tell a friend that I was pregnant, s/he would exclaim, “Congratulations!” followed soon thereafter by a supposedly reassuring, “Don’t worry.  I’m sure you’ll lose the weight quickly!”

No pressure or anything.

And it’s no wonder people have such crazy expectations these days, what with Heidi Klum walking the freakin’ Victoria’s Secret catwalk just two months after popping out her second baby and Nicole Kidman looking like she’d never carried more than a Skittle in her flat, tiny belly.

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Ode to Natural Mother-Daughter Beauty

When I think of natural beauty, I think of a shiny, lonely star against the night sky.  The sun’s rays bouncing off the season’s first snowfall. The upturn of Clooney’s mouth as he dreams of me.

And, of course, the most naturally beautiful wonder of all…

This fresh-faced mother and daughter.

The 49-year-old mom has only spent $71,000 on plastic surgery to maintain her natural good looks, and has passed on the gift to her daughter by buying her Botox injections for her 18th birthday to erase the “wrinkles” from her forehead.  She plans to instill her daughter with even more self-esteem by giving her a nose job and breast enlargement for her 21st birthday.  Under the nurturing hand of her mother and sharp edge of the doctor’s knife, the young lady should be blessed with total facial paralysis by the time she turns 25.

This is the stuff poetic Hallmark cards are made of!

Time to Laugh at Moms Who Don’t Have Washboard Stomachs!

Yay!  Good times.

The Daily Mail, which should win the Pulitzer Prize in women-bashing editorial, offers an oh-so-hysterical open letter to Julia Roberts “commending” her for daring to bare her “mummy tummy… with its crepey softness” while vacationing in Hawaii with her family last week.

Yes, this was written by a woman.  No, she doesn’t offer up a candid, perhaps even Photoshop-worsened picture of herself running after her kids in a bikini so we can have an equally good laugh at HER “mummy tummy.”

Ha, haaaaa!  Nothing funnier than busting on a mother for having a little loose skin from carrying LIFE in her womb.  Because that’s what really matters.

I think it’s about time the Daily Fail goes belly up.

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Dealing with Stretch Marks and Other Joys of Pregnancy

Moms who choose not to commemorate their pregnancy with a scrapbook, blog or what-have you still often have another lasting memento: stretch marks. Yay! A pregnancy roadmap forever etched on your breasts!  How wonderful. Or… not.

Personally, I’m not too keen on my stomach looking like the New Jersey Turnpike, although I know it may be inevitable.  Much of it depends on genes, I’m sure.  It won’t be the end of the world if I’m stuck with them (being stuck at a Jessica Simpson concert would be a far worse fate), but if I can do something to minimize the scars, you can be damn sure I’m gonna do it!

My cousin, who (conveniently for me) is a labor and delivery nurse, bought me a tube of this  Erbaorganics Mommy-to-Be Stretch Mark Cream. Apparently, one of her patients used it and her skin looked “amazing.”   Thanks, cuz!  It’s too soon to say if it totally works, but at 25 weeks I don’t have any marks yet AND my skin is silky smooth.  I’m already on my second tube of the stuff.  (Got a lot of area to cover.)

Seriously, I’d even wrap myself in gypsy moth poop if someone told me it had magical anti-stretch powers.

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