Top 10 Worst Phrases a Doctor Could Utter During a Vasectomy
Dec 18, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Snip Snip, Vasectomy Jokes
(Note to Medical Professionals: It’s important to be very sensitive to men’s anxieties and use delicate language when they’re undergoing the ol’ SNIP-SNIP, CHOP-CHOP…)
10 Tips for Creating a Memorable Family Holiday Card
Dec 17, 2012 | Filed Under: Tip of the Day, Top 10 Lists | Tags: Christmas Cards Gone Wrong, Holidays
1. Be an overachiever when it comes to humiliating your pet.
2. Haunt friends and family by morphing yourself into a feline via masterful Photoshop skills.
3. If your kids refuse to pose with you because your breast is about to fall out, simply Photoshop them into the photo. (Poorly, for revenge.)
10 Best Things About Being Pregnant with a Royal Heir
Dec 5, 2012 | Filed Under: Celebrities, Just for Belly Laughs, Top 10 Lists | Tags: Kate Middleton
Unless you have been living under a rock the size of Kilimanjaro the past few days, you have more than likely heard the big news: Kate Middleton is pregnant! Yes, one of the ten-billion-and-two pregnancy rumors finally panned out. Although the poor Duchess of Cambridge is reportedly suffering from a nasty case of Hyperemesis Gravidarum, forcing her to rest in the hospital for a while, she and Prince William still have plenty to celebrate these days, including:
The Top 10 Best Things About Being Pregnant with a Royal Heir
10. Unique opportunity to make endless “The baby is crowning!” jokes.
9. Strangers aren’t as likely to touch your belly when you’re surrounded by a dozen gun-toting security guards.
8. Free daily maternity photo sessions, courtesy of the paparazzi.
7. Guaranteed laughter every time you sigh, “This pregnancy is a royal pain in the butt!”
6 Plenty of room in the private jet for your hospital overnight bag.
5. Whenever you are struck with a pregnancy craving at 3AM, a white-gloved footman will immediately fetch you a pint of Chunky Monkey.
4. No need for maternity muumuus when you can hide your bump under figure-flattering royal robes.
3. Nobody will impart parenting advice such as, “Now make sure your baby gets enough attention.”
2. You are the only one who can get away with calling Queen Elizabeth “great grandmum.”
1. First dibs on “Daddy’s Little Princess” or “Mommy’s Sweet Prince” onesies.
Originally written for BabyZone.com
Top 10 Signs You Are the Second Child
Nov 14, 2012 | Filed Under: Sponsored Post, Top 10 Lists | Tags: Luvs, Second Child
As you know, The Laughing Stork is not always about making silly jokes — the cats and I also work tirelessly to raise awareness about devastating conditions afflicting families around the world. Such as pacifier addiction. And Fifty Shades of Grey Disorder. And, of course, Second Child Syndrome.
Second Child Syndrome happens to be a cause that is near and dear to my heart because, you see, my son… well, I forget his name right now, but I’m sure it will come to me… was born with the all-too-common condition. So, in the interest of helping other kids who wonder why the pages of their baby books are blank, here are some other telltale symptoms:
Top 10 Signs You Are the Second Child
10. Your mom’s “diaper bag” is her back pocket.
9. You think pacifiers come packaged with lint and pet hairs.
8. “Hand-puréed breakfast” = crushed Cheerios on the floor.
7. By the time your parents bother to come and pick you up from the crib in the morning, you could have read War and Peace from cover to cover. Twice.
6. You think your name is “Hey you.”
5. Your parents have more pictures of the cats than of you.
4. Your first solid food was a basket of BBQ ribs.
3. You think the Imagination Movers are your babysitters.
2. All of the tags in your clothes have somebody else’s name written on them.
1. Your parents exclaim with surprise: “Hey, wait — when did you start walking?!” Just as you’re about to accept your high school diploma.
For more laughs about first kid vs. second kid experiences, be sure to check out Luvs’ hilarious campaign celebrating us second-time moms. This short video about packing up to leave the house particularly resonates with me:
Except my rug has way more crushed crackers and juice stains.
Disclosure time: This month I’m working with a team of parenting humorists, including Kelcey, Robin, Susan, Amy and Ann, to hijack Luvs’ marketing for their clever and funny 1st Kid/2nd Kid campaign, for which I am indeed compensated. If you have a second kid story, please do share!
10 Things I Hate Myself For Thinking… But Never Say
Oct 30, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
Oh, c’mon. You know at least one of these embarrassing thoughts has crossed your mind, too…
10. Really? Only 3 likes and 1 “lol” comment for that HILARIOUS Facebook update about that cute thing my son did? Hmpf.
9. I wouldn’t mind having a wardrobe like the Kardashians’.
8. I hate it when my daughter turns the page before I’m done coloring it.
7. Why didn’t that waitress smile at my son? Didn’t she see HOW FREAKIN’ CUTE HE IS?
6. What’s the right amount of time to wait before adding someone on LinkedIn?
5. Oh dear. That kid is not very cute.
4. If I give my son a weird look, maybe everyone will think that HE’S the one who passed gas.
3. That Dave from Imagination Movers sure does have pretty eyes…
2. I’m jealous that my daughter can pull off a tutu and boots.
1. Yes! The 7-Eleven cashier carded me! I’VE STILL GOT IT!
5 Best Halloween Pranks for Parents
Oct 24, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Halloween, Pranks
Why should only the kids have all the mischief-filled fun on Halloween? If you’re looking to exact revenge on that teenager who smashed all of your pumpkins, or simply have the urge to play some pranks of your own, here are five ideas tailored just for us parents this Halloween:
The 5 Best Halloween Pranks for Parents
5. Three words: Dirty diaper bombs
4. Instead of forking lawns…
…LEGO them! (“Very painful, indeed,” most parents’ feet agree.)
10 Things People Say to New Parents—and What They Really Mean
Oct 9, 2012 | Filed Under: Babies, Top 10 Lists
When we welcome a new addition into our lives, we also have no choice but to welcome a whole slew of comments from family, friends and perfect strangers. And, as I’ve learned after having two babies, what people say isn’t always what they mean exactly. So I thought it would be helpful for new parents to translate some of the more popular coded comments. Here are:
The Top 10 Things People Say When You’re a New Parent—and What They Really Mean
10. What they say: “Bluebell Apple… what a unique baby name!”
What they mean: “Why would you torture your child with a name like that?”
9. What they say: “Don’t worry. You’re going to lose that baby weight in no time!”
What they mean: “Wow. You still look like you’re pregnant.”
8. What they say: “You look tired.”
What they mean: “You look terrible.”
7. What they say: “What a cute… baby. What is its name?”
What they mean: “I am politely trying to figure out if your baby is a boy or a girl.”
6. What they say: “I have never seen a baby spit up so much.”
What they mean: “You must be over-feeding that child.”
5. What they say: “It’s amazing how much stuff you accumulate when you have a baby, huh?”
What they mean: “Your house is a mess.”
4. What they say: “He’s really got a set of lungs on him!”
What they mean: “I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to that wailing all the time.”
3. What they say: “It’s great you’ve been able to find the time to post so many pictures on Facebook!”
What they mean: “Stop clogging my newsfeed.”
2. What they say: “Our son started sleeping through the night when he was just six weeks old!”
What they mean: “We are the BEST PARENTS EVER. You, on the other hand…”
1. What they say: “Would you like me to watch the baby while you take a shower or something?”
What they mean: “You smell.”
Originally written for Disney’s BabyZone.com…
10 Totally Embarrassing New(ish) Mom Moments
Oct 1, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
Last week on Facebook, I mentioned how I did my daughter’s preschool drop-off with my fly down the entire time. I thought that was humiliating, but no! You guys totally trumped my open fly with some mortifying mom moments of your own. Here are some that really made me laugh, all gleaned from Facebook, Twitter, e-mail and Google Plus. (Ha, ha. Google Plus. Just kidding!)
Here they are: 10 Totally Embarrassing New Mom Moments
1. I did the school drop-off with a BOOGER on my face “…note, it was NOT my booger!” — Stacey B.
2. “After my first outing with Erik (to show the baby off at my office and also a trip to the library), I discovered I had poop on my shirt. And the last poop had been before I left the house. Good initiation into motherhood….” –Hannah W.
3. “I can top that, one day I went to two meetings and then realized my shirt was not only on backwards but also inside out.” –Melanie H.
4. “I pumped gas after nursing my son…totally forgot to tuck my boob back into my shirt.” –Bethany E.
5. “Oh my, had to volunteer in my son’s class, and was doing laundry due to being completely out of undies. Realized when I got home I had been there with my fly down the whole time, while going commando. Oy, so embarrassing.” — Jennifer S.
