Top 10 Worst Attempts to “Mom”-ify Words
Mar 4, 2013 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
MOMSHELL!
Apparently, once you become a mom, every descriptor relating to you must have “MOM” injected into it, no matter how forced or cringe-worthy. Because now we are defined only by being a MOM! Here are 10 of the worst “mom”-ified offenders I’ve come across:
10. Mompetition
9. Mompreneur
8. Momster
7. Momoir
6. Momversation
5. Momtourage
4. Momsemble
3. Momportunity
2. Mompliment
1. MOMSHELL!
Boy Calls 911 on Mom to Avoid Bedtime — Inspiring a Top 10 List of “Dumbest 911 Calls Ever Made”
Feb 22, 2013 | Filed Under: In the News, Top 10 Lists
My kids employ plenty of bedtime delay tactics (see: here), but I suppose I should be thankful they haven’t called the police on me, as a 10-year-old Boston boy did this week — just to complain that his mother was making him go to bed. Thankfully, the officer who was required to visit the scene was understanding and, at the request of the mom, talked to the boy to make sure he understood the consequences of his actions. And to make the boy and mom feel not so bad, we also compiled a list of other real-life 911 calls that may just be even more ridiculous:
1. The woman who called 911 to ask a police officer on a date
A woman in Aloha, Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking. After her neighbors reported a noise complaint, two sheriff’s deputies knocked on Lorna Jeanne Dudash’s door. One of them caught her eye. When they left, Dudash dialed 9-1-1 in a desperate attempt to get the deputy she described to dispatchers as a “cutie pie” to return. She said that she didn’t have an emergency; she just wanted the dispatcher to “throw the cute police back her way.” The “cute” deputy returned and, once he determined there was no legitimate emergency, he arrested Dudash for misusing 9-1-1. She now faces a fine of up to several thousand dollars and up to a year in jail.
Which is pretty much how all storybook romances start, right?
Fiance of the Year So Far: Brad Pitt Gives Angelina Jolie Breath Mints for Valentine’s Day
Feb 15, 2013 | Filed Under: Pop Culture, Top 10 Lists | Tags: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Valentine's Day
If you thought Angelina Jolie had the best Valentine’s Day ever just because she’s with Brad Pitt, well, no offense, but you were completely and utterly WRONG. According to always-totally-trustworthy tabloid sources, Brad presented Angie with BREATH MINTS this Valentine’s Day, romantic guy that he is. “It is sort of a joke — and not,” a source claimed. “He always teases her that she has bad breath.”
Something tells me Brad did NOT get a piece yesterday. Not so much as a peek at Angelina’s Leg.
However, to make Angelina feel better, we thought we would come up with a reassuring list…
Six Valentine’s Day Gifts That May Be Even Worse Than Breath Mints
Top 10 Worst Girl Scout Cookie Sales Pitches
Jan 25, 2013 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
Oh yes, it’s that time of year again — time to inhale Thin Mints by the dozen! (Well, you can’t expect me to limit myself to only one… or seven... of those tasty suckers at a time.) Heck, a little girl was even pedaling cookies at the park this weekend, pulling out all the stops by dutifully wearing her uniform and sweetest smile while hitting up all of us sucker parents with her basket of goodies. Evil genius.
But not all Scouts are so clever in their approach, as you’ll see in our list of Top 10 Worst Girl Scout Cookie Sales Pitches:
10. Don’t worry — you’ll only have to run for three hours to burn off a box of Samoas!
9. Did Tagalongs exist when you were a Girl Scout waaaaaaaaay back when? How ’bout electricity?
8. With the money we make, our troop is going to see a Justin Bieber concert!
7. Is it just me, or do Thin Mints look like skunk pellets?
6. Gary Busey has offered to oversee the distribution of our earnings!
5. I don’t care if you buy any. My mom’s forcing her subordinates at work to buy a TON of boxes.
10 Worst Ways to Encourage Your Wife to Have Sex with You After Baby
Jan 24, 2013 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Dads, Sex
Many men I know — I, uh, won’t name names — complain that their wives don’t put out as much after having a baby, what with the mind-numbing exhaustion and all. So for all those amorous new dads in need of some guidance, this list is for you to keep in mind: The top 10 worst ways to encourage your wife to have sex with you after baby.
10. Reassuring your wife by saying: “I don’t care if your boobs have gotten saggy. It’s kind of cool I can kiss your stomach and breasts at the same time now!”
9. Crying like a baby because, as you tell her, “that’s the only thing that gets her attention these days.”
8. Informing her with a pout that you’ve exhausted all of your porn.
7. Telling her you don’t understand why she’s so tired, anyway.
6. Begging her to have sex with you because you’re excited she “actually has boobs now!”
5. Uttering any sentence involving the words, “Blue Balls.”
4. Giving her a coupon for “Sexy Time: Good Any Time of Day” as her only present for Mother’s Day.
3. Gazing at her nether regions with a sexy smirk, followed by your best pick-up line: “Let’s see if we can still achieve friction down there, shall we?”
2. Purring that you’ll be “waiting in bed for her” after she’s done folding the laundry, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning up all of the baby’s toys.
1. Waking her up in the middle of the first good nap she’s gotten since the baby was born and asking, “Now?”
10 Important Lessons Our Children Learn from Princess Stories
Jan 22, 2013 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
How much do I love classic princess tales? Let me count the ways…
Feel free to add other heartwarming, princess-inspired lessons in the comments section!
Top 10 Worst Phrases a Doctor Could Utter During a Vasectomy
Dec 18, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Snip Snip, Vasectomy Jokes
(Note to Medical Professionals: It’s important to be very sensitive to men’s anxieties and use delicate language when they’re undergoing the ol’ SNIP-SNIP, CHOP-CHOP…)
10 Tips for Creating a Memorable Family Holiday Card
Dec 17, 2012 | Filed Under: Tip of the Day, Top 10 Lists | Tags: Christmas Cards Gone Wrong, Holidays
1. Be an overachiever when it comes to humiliating your pet.
2. Haunt friends and family by morphing yourself into a feline via masterful Photoshop skills.
3. If your kids refuse to pose with you because your breast is about to fall out, simply Photoshop them into the photo. (Poorly, for revenge.)
