10 Ways That Teething is Like Being Pregnant
May 16, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Baby, Teething
Although he is only eleven months old, somehow our little guy has been cutting his top teeth for, oh, approximately nine years. Which got me to thinking…you know, teething isn’t all that different from being pregnant. Which got me to posting…The Top 10 Ways That Teething is Like Being Pregnant.
10 Worst Ways to Encourage Your Wife to Have Sex with You After Baby
May 14, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Dads, Sex
Many men I know — I, uh, won’t name names — complain that their wives don’t put out as much after having a baby, what with the mind-numbing exhaustion and all. So for all those amorous new dads in need of some guidance, this list is for you to keep in mind: The top 10 worst ways to encourage your wife to have sex with you after baby.
10. Reassuring your wife by saying: “I don’t care if your boobs have gotten saggy. It’s kind of cool I can kiss your stomach and breasts at the same time now!”
9. Crying like a baby because, as you tell her, “that’s the only thing that gets her attention these days.”
8. Informing her with a pout that you’ve exhausted all of your porn.
7. Telling her you don’t understand why she’s so tired, anyway.
6. Begging her to have sex with you because you’re excited she “actually has boobs now!”
5. Uttering any sentence involving the words, “Blue Balls.”
4. Giving her a coupon for “Sexy Time: Good Any Time of Day” as her only present for Mother’s Day.
3. Gazing at her nether regions with a sexy smirk, followed by your best pick-up line: “Let’s see if we can still achieve friction down there, shall we?”
2. Purring that you’ll be “waiting in bed for her” after she’s done folding the laundry, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning up all of the baby’s toys.
1. Waking her up in the middle of the first good nap she’s gotten since the baby was born and asking, “Now?”
7 Things in My Kids’ TV Shows and Books That Make Me Giggle Inappropriately
May 9, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
Don’t look at me like that. You know you do it, too.
1. When the Wonder Pets sing, “Save the beaver!”
2. Muno on Yo Gabba Gabba.
3. The Book of Pooh.
4. Barney’s sidekick named…BJ.
5. The part in the Mickey Mouse camping adventure book where Mickey and Donald “pitch their tents.”
6. The title of this acclaimed book:
He said “Big O.“ Heh, heh.
7. When Dora and Boots are told they have to climb on top of a mountain to unleash the tricks of a “magical stick.” (Oh man, how many times have I fallen for that line?)
10 Ways to Prepare Your Kids for Their First Trip to Vegas
Apr 19, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Vegas Baby
That’s right — family road trip to Vegas, baby! In the spirit of our upcoming trip, here are some ways that parents can get their young children ready for Sin City…
10. Dress your kids in the city’s native attire.
9. Be sure to have plenty of educational reading material for them.
10 Things I Do in My Car Now That I Never Imagined Doing Pre-Kids
Apr 15, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists
Since becoming a mom, my vehicle has not only grown from a two-seat convertible to a mid-sized SUV (*SOB*), but what I find myself doing in my car has also changed dramatically. Crazy things I never could have even fathomed before having kids. For example:
10. Heeding the speed limit (without a police car in sight!).
9. Doing my hair and makeup because it’s the only opportunity I have to look in a mirror.
8. Leaning over a car seat to nurse my hungry, wailing baby as my husband drives — and barely caring if anyone sees me. (Oh, hi there, Old Lady and Old Lady’s Husband in the Honda Accord!)
7. Using the floor of my car as a toy box-slash-waste basket (that rarely gets emptied).
6. Turning off The Fugees’ “Killing Me Softly” on the radio to honor a rather, um, adamant request for Fresh Beat Band’s “Go Bananas” on CD.
5. Driving around the same block for an HOUR because I didn’t want to risk waking a napping child.
4. Actually RESISTING the temptation to swear at and/or give the finger to other drivers.
3. Changing a dirty diaper in the trunk in the middle of a Home Depot parking lot. (Fertilizer, anyone?)
2. Unearthing a sippy cup with milk so old, it was last drunk by Moses. (True story.)
1. Crying “How did you guys find me here?!” as my husband and kids knock on the window of the back seat and try to coerce me out of my hiding spot.
Top 10 Worst Phrases a Doctor Could Utter During a Vasectomy
Apr 3, 2012 | Filed Under: Top 10 Lists | Tags: Snip Snip, Vasectomy Jokes
(Note to Medical Professionals: It’s important to be very sensitive to men’s anxieties and use delicate language when they’re undergoing the ol’ SNIP-SNIP, CHOP-CHOP…)
