It’s prom season, parents! If your darling teenager is having problems choosing that special dress, be sure to share these can’t-fail fashion tips for her and her date. That’s right — what could possibly be cooler than MATCHING PROM OUTFITS? Nothing, that’s what. Learn from the style masters:
1. Despite wearing camouflage, there is no way this couple is going to blend in with the crowd. Plus, if anyone suggests a post-prom hunting trip, they can hit the ground running! Excellent forethought.
When I weaned my son with no plans for more children, I was left with a cabinet full of nursing pads. Tons and tons of nursing pads. But never fear — I found plenty of alternative ways to use them. Here are my expert tips for recycling leftover nursing pads:
1. Classic art.
If you are considering going above and beyond this Sunday to prove to the kids that the Easter Bunny did, indeed, visit the house, you may want to avoid leaving “clues” like these:
1. Having the Easter Bunny poop jelly beans.
If the kids are young enough to believe this, they are young enough to eat jelly beans out of the toilet.
My kids’ preschool is on Spring Break this week — and it’s occurred to me that experiencing Spring Break as a parent is surprisingly similar to those I enjoyed as a college co-ed.
Oh yes, it’s that time of year again — time to inhale Thin Mints by the dozen! (Well, you can’t expect me to limit myself to only one… or seven... of those tasty suckers at a time.) Heck, a little girl was even pedaling cookies at the park this weekend, pulling out all the stops by dutifully wearing her uniform and sweetest smile while hitting up all of us sucker parents with her basket of goodies. Evil genius.
But not all Scouts are so clever in their approach, as you’ll see in our list of Top 10 Worst Girl Scout Cookie Sales Pitches:
10. Don’t worry — you’ll only have to run for three hours to burn off a box of Samoas!
9. Did Tagalongs exist when you were a Girl Scout waaaaaaaaay back when? How ’bout electricity?
8. With the money we make, our troop is going to contribute to Justin Bieber’s legal defense fund!
7. Is it just me, or do Thin Mints look like skunk pellets?
6. Gary Busey has offered to oversee the distribution of our earnings!
5. To be honest, I don’t care if you buy any. My mom’s guilting her colleagues into buying a TON of boxes.
4. I think it’s cool how the Do-Si-Dos match the color of Snooki’s skin.
3. With that breath, a box of Thins Mints would do you good.
2. If you buy a box of cookies, you’ll also be automatically added to the Girl Scouts’ twice-daily e-mail distribution list!
1. My dad told me to hit you up because you obviously like to inhale cookies.
Yeah, some definite red flags here.
1. Be an overachiever when it comes to humiliating your pet.
As much as I love summer, my heart still leaps with excitement when the crispness of autumn hits the air (yes, we even get that crispness here in L.A.) — mostly, for the following 10 reasons:
10 Most Awesome Things About the Fall Season
10. Pumpkin hand soaps!
9. Pumpkin spice lattes!
8. Pumpkin bread!
7. Pumpkin pie-tinis! (Recipe to come. Oh yes, yes, it is.)
6. Pumpkin fudge!
5. Pumpkin cheesecake!
4. Pumpkin ice cream!
3. Liquor-filled pumpkin white hot chocolate! (Um, it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?)
2. Pumpkin perfume!
And I can’t forget…
1. Stylish pumpkin sweaters!
(Seriously. There is no forgetting that.)
Ever get caught throwing your kid’s artwork in the trash? Yeah, me, too. And my four-year-old, not entirely grasping that it would take a storage shed the size of Portugal to house all of her daily artwork, was NOT happy about finding her drawing of a sun underneath a pile of spaghetti sauce (and had no qualms about reaching in there and yanking it out, thankyouverymuch). I don’t remember exactly what I said when I was confronted, but it may have been along the lines of “Hmmmm. I wonder if your brother put it in there.”
Lame, I know. And here five other excuses I considered that might be even lamer:
5. “Oh, honey, that’s not the trash. It’s ART HEAVEN!”
4. “No, I didn’t throw it out. I just wanted to see if you could find where I hid it. YOU WIN!”
3. “What — you don’t like it? I thought piling cat litter on top of the drawing added a certain grittiness.”
2. “I bet the ceiling fan blew it in there. If we had one.”
1. “I’m not sure how your art got in there, but I can’t believe you just reached into that filthy trash to get it out. Go to the bathroom to clean your hands right now, young lady, and DO NOT COME BACK UNTIL YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THIS EVER HAPPENED, DO YOU HEAR ME?!”
Important life lessons that I will, no doubt, pass down to my daughter and son…
10. Medicine: 1) “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way!” 2) If you don’t stop cracking your knuckles, you’re going to get arthritis. Or worse — big knuckles!” BONUS (courtesy of my dad): “If you don’t drink more water, your insides are going to shrivel up and they’re going to have to cut you open!”
9. Poetry: “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.”
8. Suspense: “Can you guess what I found in your closet today?”
7. Optimism: “You are going to enjoy yourself at that Girl Scout Camp you begged to go to, or I am going to hit you upside the head.”
6. Finance: “Turn off the lights. We don’t own stock in the electric company.”
5. Entomology: “Keep your mouth open like that, and you’re going to catch bugs.”
4. Genealogy: “I’m not Sarah’s mother. I’m YOUR mother.”
3. Culinary Arts: “How would you like a knuckle sandwich?”
2. Realism: “Be good. But if you can’t be good, be careful.”
1. Justice: “If you ever have kids, I hope they act just like you.”
In celebration of Father’s Day being right around the corner, I’ve come up with a list of things that my dad never, ever would have said to me while I was growing up (or would even say to me now):
12. “Can you turn up that music?”
11. “Midnight’s a pretty lame curfew. How ’bout 2AM instead?”
10. “I LOVE that you got your ears pierced without asking. Such an independent spirit!”
9. “That skirt’s a little on the long side, don’t you think?”
8. “You know what your room needs? Even MORE clothes piled on top of each other.”
7. “Here, take the remote.”
Back when I was pregnant with the little chica, I was fortunate to receive a ton of gifts from loving friends and family, many of whom ignored the baby registries I painstakingly created in favor of onesies that declared, “I LOVE MY [INSERT RELATIVE HERE]!” Which I totally understand — you can never start the brainwashing process too early. Also, onesies are much cuter than bottle nipples.
Now that I have the benefit of some parenting experience, I’ve discovered a number of items that would have been SO fabulous to have received as gifts — items that I never even would have thought to have registered for. Items that, um, may not be available on BabiesRUs.com. But should be.
10. Cell Phone Flask
A “subtle,” vodka-filled way to help you get through more difficult times, such as when you get stuck talking to the Socially Awkward Mom at playgroup. And check out how realistic that phone looks! Wow. Nobody will ever guess anything out of the ordinary is going on when you stick that ANTENNA in your mouth. *AHEM*
$5.05; available at Amazon.com.
9. Male Housekeeper
When you’re an exhausted new mom, dusting and vacuuming tend to fall by the wayside — so why not ask for the gift of eye candy with a six-pack? Er… a housekeeper with a six-pack of Pledge Wipes, I mean. Of course.
Check your local craigslist.